Pigskin Prophet: Featherless, flightless birds in Tuscaloosa edition

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The buses are rolling into Tuscaloosa, camouflaged, just in case anyone wearing Alabama colors sees who’s in town.

My main employer, the University of South Carolina, was flying high heading into last week’s home game against Ole Mess. The Gamecocks have not played a true road game since 2019 – or so it seems – and were ending the long homestand against a ranked opponent they thought they could beat.

And then they remembered they had to play the game on the field. Spurs Up, indeed. That chicken died, and the spurs went up.

Sure, Ole Mess had players running around claiming all sorts of injuries and illnesses and falling out on the sidelines and in the stands, Rebel players were falling in front of the fake train where the chicken roosts and supposedly showers these days, and claiming the train had run over them.

Lane Whiffin knows how to coach. The same can’t be said for Mayo Boy, who is staring at another losing season. So, now that the long homestand is over, where do the Gamecocks go first? Alabama. Yeah, those boys. The ones who are pissed off after losing to, check notes, Vanderbilt. VANDERBILT.

Good luck with that one. Those spurs will be up sooner rather than later and someone else is coming home. Without feathers.

SATURDAY

SOUTH CAROLINA AT ALABAMA

One thing about the South Carolina offensive line is this – maybe they can’t pass block, but at least they can’t run block, either. Alabama’s defense was torched in the second half against Georgia, was torched by Vanderbilt, and Kalen DeBoer went all PAC-12 and forgot that they can run the ball in the SEC. Another SEC loss might kick Alabama out of the Playoff Conversation – for now – and the Gamecocks are going to be on the receiving end of a whipping. ALABAMA 34, CAPONS 13

CLEMSON AT WEAK FLORIST

One thing about the Demon Deacon defense, they maybe can’t stop the run, but they can’t stop the pass, either. The Deacons and the slow mesh always seem to give the Clemson defense problems, and they’ve had no problems putting up points against the Tigers. The game is also being played in BB&T Krispy Kreme Allegiant Allergies Stadium – or whatever they’ve taken cash for this season – and the hundreds and hundreds of fans are as nice as they can be. Many of them are wearing orange. CLEMSON 41, FLORIST 17

TEXAS AT OKLAHOMA

Ah, the good old Red River Rivalry. We used to call it Red River Shootout, but people got their feelings hurt, and we had to change it. These are the same people who think a rooster wearing a dress while the fans shout about male things are doing it the right way. But I digress. Texas has been on a roll, and it’s good to see that this is once again a conference game. Texas is talented and experienced at quarterback, and Oklahoma is…not. TEXAS 31, OKLAHOMA 14

CAL AT PITTSBURGH

Cal is quickly finding out that the ACC protects its own. Miami has been the recipient of two late-game calls that have handed them wins, and now the Bears make their second trip to the East Coast in a month (FSU, Pitt) to take on an undefeated ACC program. If I were the Bears, I’d just mail this one in and stay home and protest the war or something. PITT 30, CAL 20

FLORIDA AT TENNESSEE

Tennessee was the golden child until losing to Arkansas and looks to rebound in Knoxville against an outmanned Florida team trying to get its coach fired. The Hillbillies are different than those guys that wear the electric blue in that they’re meaner. And more talented. TENNESSEE 37, FLORIDA 20

OHIO ST. AT OREGON

The Buckeyes finally have to play somebody. They’ve spent the early part of the season playing Sister Sadie Mae’s Sunday School class and the waitresses at Mel’s Diner, and once again, they think they are the best team in the country. Oregon is good and Autzen Stadium is a tough place to play. But I gotta be honest, I don’t trust Dillon Gabriel in a big game. And this is a big game. OHIO ST. 34, OREGON 31

OLE MISS AT LSU

Old Lane has had his players busy at practice this week. In fact, we’ve heard this is the most brutal week of practice they’ve seen in Oxford since The Blindside did rehearsals at the local Denny’s. They’ve practiced falling, rolling, and feigning injuries. Players have rolled out of the stands, into the stands, learned to walk with a limp, hold their jewels while screaming and grimacing, and saying, “Not tonight, Brian Kelly! I have a headache!” And it’s gonna work. OLE MISS 35, LSU 33

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