Pigskin Prophet: We Are Here to Help Edition

Pigskin Prophet: We Are Here to Help Edition

by - Contributor -

Maybe you’ve noticed and maybe you haven’t, but the Pigskin Prophet is a little late this week.

It turns out that the government wanted our company to help with some booths they wanted to set up ahead of South Carolina’s home football game with Tennessee Saturday night. The national government figured this petri dish of fandom was a great place to try some new programs, and I’ve been on the road picking up all sorts of equipment. After each pickup, I was even more convinced that the government understands its audience with a bunch of Volunteers and Gamecocks getting together in the urban sprawl that is Columbia.

The folks from the mountains have been trickling in all day – they still have to use either hand-drawn maps or the old Rand-McNally Atlas – so the going has been rough. One fine gentleman with a corncob pipe and a stovepipe hat was actually carrying a globe – he was coming to the game two years ago and just arrived.

Anyway, the booths are set up and these fine fans – if they can stop the parking lot coitus, fraternity fights, and talking about who loves their, ummmm, chicken more, have plenty of government-sponsored programs to check out, tailor-made for them.

1. How to divorce your sister and take custody of your nephew/son.

2. Turning your mullet into a modern-day hairstyle.

3. Getting rid of your Sparky Woods tattoo

4. Introducing a new SEC Dating App where you are matched up by Harvey Updyke

5. The Dentist: What they do and how they can help you

6. Penicillin – Your best friend once the game is over

7. Why bottle throwing is not good for the environment

8. Why c**k fighting is illegal

9. A bleeding lip and infectious diseases – how you can help your coach

There are others, but those are the highlights. Now onto some picks:


Willie Taggart’s offense is named Lethal Simplicity, but it’s his offensive line that has been lethal to its own quarterback. Those boys couldn’t stop a 3-year old girl with both hands full of cotton candy, much less the Power Rangers. The Seminole defense has shown signs of life – it helps when they stay out of jail – but that won’t be enough to stop the Pride from Pickens, who roll in a big way. CLEMSON 44, FSWHO 12


We woke up earlier this week to the fake news that Bobby Petrino had gotten his side chick pregnant and was on his way out the door (yes, we sent him an invite to the programs at Willy-B). Too bad those rumors are, for now, false, because we could have had a lot of fun with that over the next several decades. Word on the street is that Petrino – who authored the Wakey Leaks scandal a few years ago – has a big surprise up his sleeve for Dave Clawson and the Down Deacons. The Louisville band is going to play the entire game, rendering Clawson and Wake ineffective for three quarters. Won’t matter. Wake is better, which isn’t saying much. WAKE 30, LOUISVILLE 24


The World’s Largest Outdoor Redneck Soiree is back. Honestly, the government considered putting the booths at this game but didn’t wanna get dog pee on the workers. The Prophet has been riding around all week thinking about this one, and one thing stands out – Georgia can’t rush the passer and they are weak on the defensive line. That will be the difference as the Gators win in the upset. GATORS 26, PUPPIES 22


Everybody had the Brittany Lions penciled in as a potential Playoff candidate, but with James Franklin at the helm the only Playoff they will see is if they buy a lottery ticket. Franklin is a good recruiter but he’s turned Happy Valley into Sloppy Valley with his inexplicable play calls. This is actually my second upset of the day, simply because Kirk Ferentz is a better coach than ole James. IOWA 27, PENN ST 20


No lie. If Pitt wins this game they have a good shot at winning the ACC Coastal. Seriously. You can look it up. Duke fans have already turned the page to basketball season, where they’ve invested a lot of money with Zion National Bank and the Brotherhood, but that doesn’t mean David Cutcliffe won’t have the Dookies ready to play. In fact, the Dookies are favored. But this is another one that kinda feels like the underdog will win the day. Pitt wins. PANTHERS 23, FIGHTING ZIONS 22


NC State has talked a big game once again, saying how they intend to get plenty of Syracuse players on their back. The Orange have countered with threats of laptops everywhere and now Dave Doeren is running around wondering how to get away from the madness. The Carrier Dome will be loud – those four or five thousand people can be loud – and it will be HOT at almost 67 degrees. I am not sure if the Pack can survive laptops and heat and noise. Or can they? SYRACUSE 30, NC STATE 28


The Vols have been using plenty of cream on their rear ends, which they had handed to them last week by Alabama. The Gamecocks had a tussle with the Open Date that they BARELY survived. Many of the fans will be late-arriving – some of those booths promise to be popular – but the Gamecock student section will show up ready to throw everything from water bottles to batteries. South Carolina wins big on Government Day. SHAKY JAKE 31, TENNESSEE 16

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