Pigskin Prophet: Mayo Boy Is On the Loose Edition |
Pigskin Prophet
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- Friday, September 20 2024
“Mayo Boy is one the loose. This is not a drill. Mayo Boy is on the loose.”
Those words echoed in my walkie-talkie during last week’s LSU at South Carolina football game and I immediately vaulted into action. Okay, maybe not vaulted. And not really much of a run. I ambled. Ambled is a good word.
A little backstory………me and my crew were working the game – keeping the water lines clear, keeping students out of the porta johns (you know why) and generally trying to keep calm while those people watched football. And then the officials started throwing flags and all heck broke loose.
My first call was from the President’s box, and I was told that we needed to find a way to get the officials out of the stadium safely. I met with my crew – we gathered inside the train down below the student section – and we discussed our options.
I quickly sent one of my crew into the student section to pick up discarded surrender towels and then sent another member to grab some t-shirts with the Gamecock logo. As soon as the game was over, we told them to change into the t-shirts and their regular pants and leave their luggage and uniforms. As the crowd’s anger began to boil over, we had them wave the towels and say abusive things about themselves and moved them easily through the henhouse.
But as moved them towards a waiting van, those words echoed. “Mayo Boy is on the loose.”
Yow know how the Secret Service has a code word for the President and their family members? Well, we have that, too. And you can guess who Mayo Boy is. And he was on the loose, on a rampage, snorting and whimpering and crying and stomping his little feet. I had another team member move the Gatorade buckets out of his office – can’t have him break his widdle biddy foot kicking one again – and we moved the officials.
I grabbed a flashlight and started shining it on the floor and walls and he followed the light for 10 or so minutes until he got bored chasing it and forgot about the game. The officials were moved safely. He was playing with lights, and a crisis was averted.
They just don’t pay me enough.
FRIDAY
STANFORD AT SYRACUSE
Congrats on being in the ACC Stanford. You get to fly to Syrcause (5600 miles round trip) for a Friday night ACC special, and then turn around and fly to Clemson next week (over 5000 miles round trip) for a night game in Death Valley. How much fun is that???? Go ACC!!! Syracuse is off to a good start (but we always say that), and Stanford will be in awe of the heat and the noise inside that incredible dome (dripping with sarcasm). SYRACUSE 30, STANFORD 21
SATURDAY
NC STATE AT CLEMSON
Red solo cup drinkin’, cigar smokin’, laptop hatin’, put-a-hit-out-on-opposing-players Dave Doeren brings a true freshman quarterback into Death Valley. Clemson found its offense a few weeks ago and the hope is that they didn’t lose it during the open date. This one should be tight and close with all of the drama of the Tigers and Wolfpack, right up until it isn’t. And I do have to say this about Doeren, who I met last year. Out of all the people I’ve ever met, he’s one of them. CLEMSON 38, NC STATE 14
FLORIDA AT MISS ST.
Winning head coach gets to keep his job another week!!! FLORIDA 34, MISS ST. 28
USC AT MICHIGAN
The Trojans take their act on the road to the Big House, which was more like the Big Disappointment when Texas rolled through a few weeks ago. The Wolverines are changing quarterbacks – cause that always helps – and this one should be fun. Trojans escape the Big House. USC 24, MICHIGAN 16
GEORGIA TECH AT LOUISVILLE
Louisville’s schedule is almost as bad as the Ohio St. schedule. However, the Louisville offense looks to be legit. Tech’s Haynes King and company are physical and want to control the running game and the line of scrimmage, and they will be intimidated after walking through the Cardinals' train set of copy-cat Cockabooses outside. That alone is worth 10 points, and that’s about how much Las Vegas is giving Big Red. LOUISVILLE 34, GEORGIA TECH 24
CAL AT FLORIDA ST.
Cal makes its second cross-country flight in three weeks to take on shell-shocked DJFSU. In case you missed it, if Cal wins the Bears will be 4-0 and FSU will be 0-4. One was picked to finish 10th in the ACC and one was picked to finish first. Can you guess which is which? Gimme Cal. Those nerds and liberals from Berkeley are gonna come in firing it up, and when the smoke clears, the Chief will be giggling all over himself. CAL 27, FSU 20
TENNESSE AT OKLAHOMA
Dear Oklahoma, welcome to the SEC. Sorry, there is no Texas Tech on the schedule this year. The Sooners welcome the high-flying Vols into their part of the world. I think Brent and his crew will have a little something for the Hillbillies, but their offense just won’t be good enough. TENNESSEE 35, OKLAHOMA 24
AKRON AT SOUTH CAROLINA
Look, just keep everybody safe and send some officials that know what they are doing. That’s all I ask. And don’t make babies in the porta johns. And stay out of the little train during halftime. And don’t mess with the fire extinguishers or surrender towels. SOUTH CAROLINA 40, AKRON 10
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