Pigskin Prophet: End of Times Edition
|Thursday, October 27, 2016 1:40 PM- -|
Growing up in a family that always went to church, I was taught that there would be signs and wonders in the last days.
That’s why I became a little curious and concerned earlier this week when I heard a strange, whining noise coming from what seemed like thin air. Was someone testing airplane engines over in my neck of the woods? Or was some apocalyptic event about to occur, like South Carolina winning a conference title? I didn’t know. I woke up Wednesday morning, and the whining noise I was hearing got even louder. Then I went on some college football message boards, and realized the loud whining we are all hearing is still coming out of Louisville, their coach and their fans. Those people don’t let things go, do they? Well, except Petrino. He ditched them once before and will again, because, you know, Bobby Petrino.
That’s why I became a little curious and concerned earlier this week when I heard a strange, whining noise coming from what seemed like thin air. Was someone testing airplane engines over in my neck of the woods? Or was some apocalyptic event about to occur, like South Carolina winning a conference title?
I didn’t know.
I woke up Wednesday morning, and the whining noise I was hearing got even louder. Then I went on some college football message boards, and realized the loud whining we are all hearing is still coming out of Louisville, their coach and their fans.
Those people don’t let things go, do they? Well, except Petrino. He ditched them once before and will again, because, you know, Bobby Petrino.
On to some picks.
VIRGINIA TECH AT PITTSBURGH
Tech is a hard team to figure out. They get blown out by Tennessee earlier this season, but respond with big wins over UNC and Boston College where they look dominant. Then they lose to Syracuse, which has the football pulse of a Walking Dead zombie. Which team will show up at Ketchup Stadium this week? Keeping with their Jekyll & Hyde theme, the good team shows up this week and knocks off Pitt. Barely. TECH 34, PITT 27
KENTUCKY AT MISSOURI
You’re gonna laugh, but……here is how pathetic the SEC East has become. We all know Kentucky is not very good. Wait, that’s being generous. They stink. They’re bad. But if they beat Mizzou (everybody else has) and Florida loses to Georgia and Tennessee beats South Carolina, they are tied with Florida and Tennessee atop the SEC East standings, even though Florida owns the head-to-head matchup. That’s strength right there…hahahaha. But this is the SEC East, and Kentucky will lose to a bad Mizzou team. Cause, you know, SEC East. MIZZOU 34, KENTUCKY 28
DUKE AT GEORGIA TECH
Noon. Duke. Georgia Tech. Bobby Dodd Stadium. Hey, if they play a game and no one is there to see it, did it really happen? The actual sucking sound you’ll hear is both of these teams playing football, and not doing it very well, even though they’d both win the SEC East going away. The only reason we’re posting this game is because Pawwwwl John-un is the best coach in the country and deserves better. Right? GEORGIA TECH 28, DUKE 24
LOUISVILLE AT VIRGINIA
The Cardinal football team had an early Halloween party this week, and all of the players dressed up as an old man with a neck brace driving around a bimbo on a Harley. That made people mad, and a letter of protest was sent to the Clemson University President claiming it was his fault. Once it was learned that Clemson was at fault, the team then settled in to prepare for Virginia and head coach Bronco Mendenhall, who might be casting a fond eye back towards Utah. The Cavs will use the Duke approach against the Cards – milk the clock and take away possessions – but it won’t matter in the end. The Cards are just too strong, even though they have to watch out for those pesky yard markers manned by people who pull for Clemson. And Clemson officials. And Clemson weather people. And Clemson engineers who design the stadiums, which might hurt Louisville. And….of you get the drift. WHINERS 44, CAVS 14
WEST VIRIGNIA AT OKLAHOMA ST.
The last time the Neers were relevant, Geno Smith was their quarterback and The Mullet was the hottest coach in the biz. Well, Geno is out (a lot) for the Jets, but Mullet still paces the sidelines for the Neers. His hair is a little shorter, and his team is playing extremely well in a bad Big 12 (not SEC East bad, but close). Playing at Warren Buffett field isn’t easy for anybody (their coach is A GROWN MAN!!!!) and this one promises to be a typical Big 12 affair, with points, points and more points. Will the Neers retain control of their own destiny? Do cousins legally marry in West Virginia? Are couches safe from immolation after a big win? YES TO ALL!!! WEST VIRGINIA 114, OKLAHOMA ST. 112
MICHIGAN AT MICHIGAN ST.
The weird coach known as Captain Khaki Pants takes his crew to East Lansing this weekend, and even though Sparty has five losses it will be a true test for the Maize and Butter. For a half. Sparty’s defense has been about as good as a South Carolina cheerleader against a man promising a good set of crayons, and the Wolverines have been scoring in bunches on inferior competition. Captain Khaki Pants gets a big lead, and then remembering last year’s incredible loss on a bad punt, proceeds to never punt and run up the score. Midway through the fourth quarter, he ditches his shirt and starts running routes on the field, promising to sleep in kids’ bedrooms and he’s escorted off the field. ESPN later calls him a genius. MEECHEGAN 44, SPARTY 20
BOSTON COLLEGE AT NC STATE
I am not sure what’s happened to the ACC. Boston College players got in a brawl with Syracuse players last week (kinda like watching a couple of Star Wars fans have a fake lightsaber fight, entertaining but not dangerous) while NC State’s head coach has gone rogue and is paying bounties on opposing players. But his players do attend school in Raleigh, and they think a Bounty is a paper towel, and they don’t see the need so don’t play as hard. Meanwhile, Boston College hasn’t won an ACC game in years, and unfortunately the trend continues. BOUNTYGATE 27, HOCKEY SCHOOL 20
FLORIDA AT GEORGIA
This promises to be some bad, bad football, even though Verne Lundquist will make you think it’s the nation’s two best teams and Gary Danielson will tout the superiority of the SEC. However, it’s the SEC East, and Lundquist gets all twisted up after a big play and screams, “FIRST DOWN!!! AL – UH – BAMMMMA!!!!!!” while drooling into the microphone (you know you’ve heard him do it). However, reality sets in and his pants get a little more comfortable when he realizes Nick Saban isn’t around and both of these teams stink. FLORIDA 14, GEORGIA 12
CLEMSON AT FSU
Clemson has trouble getting to Tallahassee because there is apparently no police presence at the school or in the town (snicker, snicker), but finally make it into Doak Campbell by kickoff. The Noles keep this one close for more than a while, using the crowd and the rich white kid who dresses like a Seminole as motivation to keep flopping their arms up and down like a parking lot barricade. Florida St. has plenty of talent, especially at cheerleader, but Clemson has more talent across the board and begins to pull away late. This one could be another classic. CLEMSON 30, FSU 20.
TENNESSEE AT SOUTH CAROLINA
South Carolina put together a heroic effort (hahahaha) In beating a one-win UMass team last week, and now have their 43rd consecutive savior at quarterback ready to go. However, the previous 42 saviors didn’t work out, because, you know, South Carolina, and this one gets his first loss at the hands of a broken a bruised Vol team that has taken its share of lumps, especially against the SEC West. South Carolina’s best hope might be that Steve Spurrier shows up and starts calling plays again, because Kurt Roper does a worse job than Mr. Roper from Three’s Company. In this case, three might be all the Gamecocks score. TENNESSEE 31, SOUTH CAROLINA 14