Pigskin Prophet: Barnyard Fight Edition |
To me, it seems like it has been about six weeks since we’ve seen a college football game. This week has been a long one and I’ve been on the road since early Monday morning.
Good old Crump ran out of Burger King coupons and tried to sneak me some AOL startup disks as payment, but I’m too smart for that. I demanded something more tangible and he gave me a bunch of South Carolina football schedules to sell on eBay. The thing is, these are the schedules that have the real USC’s schedule on them, so they are quite valuable. I’ve even sold a bunch to South Carolina who don’t know the difference. That doesn’t pay all the bills, however, so I took the job of carrying South Carolina’s Privacy Pods to Lexington for this week’s game against Kentucky. I had an argument with the member of the Gamecock athletic staff, who said he had printed out directions on MapQuest to give to me. The directions were from Columbia, Missouri, to Lexington, Mass. Once I realized you can’t win an argument with those people, I hit the road for Kentucky. South Carolina did a study and they’ve said that the Privacy Pods have cut down the coitus events in the tailgate parking lots at Williams-Brice by almost 20 percent. The hope is that by taking them to Kentucky, we can also save a bunch of first cousins from reproducing. Now onto the picks, and if you get your feelings hurt, I’m sorry. They sell Tucks Pads for that. THURSDAY UNC AT MIAMI UNC slipped up and won a game last week, which had to be a concern for head coach Larry Fedora. I am convinced that Fedora’s idiotic statements at the ACC Kickoff in July were designed so the school would be forced to fire him, but the school held onto Roy Williams despite multiple incidents of academic fraud, so they are determined to keep Fedora. Perhaps Fedora wants to go someplace that really cares about football, like UConn. This week the Heels get Miami, whose fans don’t care about football at all. They prefer to glorify a piece of jewelry and dress in sparkles and leave before the game starts for South Beach. But this is a big Thursday night game, so there might be 40 or even 50 people in the stands. MIAMI 34, UNC 13 SATURDAY LOUISIANA AT ALABAMA Alabama is favored by 50. The Tide Rolls on. ALABAMA 63, LOUISIANA 10 SYRACUSE AT CLEMSON The Orange make the trek to Clemson, leaving the friendly confines of the extremely hot Carrier Dome (temps almost reached 67 degrees in there last week. The horror!!) to the extremely hot and loud Death Valley. Clemson head coach Dabo Swinney remembers last season’s debacle in the garage those Yanks call a stadium and he’s unleashing The Hair on Dino Flintstone. The Orange find out what hot really is, and they find out what it’s like to play on grass in a stadium not named after a company. CLEMSON 45, SAIRACAUSE 20 WEST VIRGINIA AT TEXAS TECH Talk about a contrast in styles. No, not the offenses or defenses. The head coaches. West Virginia’s Dana Holgersen has been known to favor a mullet at times and doesn’t care what he looks like, while Kliff Kingsbury spends more time in front of the mirror adding moisturizer and hair gel than he does coaching football. All that time primping is gonna cost him. MULLET 47, HAIR GEL 37 VIRGINIA AT NC STATE How bad is the ACC? This game – yes this one – looms as an ACC Showdown as the Fighting Thomas Jeffersons take their laptops to take on the Fighting Doerens. Let’s face it, unless you are a fan of either school, no one will really care. NC STATE 30, VIRGINIA 23 BOWLING GREEN AT GEORGIA TECH Look PAWL!!! A team you can beat!! Knock off Bowling Green and you’ll once again be the greatest coach in the history of college football. TECH 40, BOWLING GREEN 25 TENNESSEE AT GEORGIA The only question here is how much will the Hairy Pups score on the down-and-out hillbillies? How bad are things on Rocky Top? I’ve heard Tennessee fans are so disgusted with the direction of the program that they’re actually getting their teeth fixed. This one will be ugly. Just…ugly. GEORGIA 49, TENNESSEE 17 SOUTH CAROLINA AT KENTUCKY The 1969 ACC Champions are hoping to avoid a 5-peat at the hands of the Wildcats, who actually find themselves ranked for the first time since, well, since some time long ago. The Gamecocks and Jake From Flop Farm dispatched Gloria Vanderbilt last week, but unlike Gloria these Wildcats actually have some teeth. As any good Southerner knows, it’s not good to let the hen out of the barnyard, cause a wildcat will surely eat it. KENTUCKY 27, 1969 ACC CHAMPS 24 FLORIDA ST. AT LOUISVILLE All you need to know about this game is that one of them lost to Virginia and the other tries to motivate its players with backpacks. Seriously? Backpacks. Poor Bobby Bowden can’t believe the monster he built down in Florida has been replaced by this current version. First came someone called Jimbo and then someone named Willie. Hey, didn’t you used to be Florida St.? Didn’t you at one time wish you were relevant Louisville? FSU 27, LOUISVILLE 20 VIRGNIA TECH AT DUKE Duke, widely known as a basketball school, hosts a big game this weekend at Wallace Wade Outdoor Stadium. The Hokies traveled to Old Dominion last week and got ran over by a bunch of kids whose other offers were Georgia Tech. Things won’t get any better this week, because Duke can throw the football, too. DUKE 31, TECH 24
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