Pigskin Prophet: Can Alabama survive the bad old heat edition
|Friday, September 13, 2019, 7:01 AM- -|
Maybe you live in another part of the country, like Maine, and don’t have to deal with the heat. But, in case you missed, the entire Southeast is in the middle of a heatwave. I have a friend who lives in Charleston, and last weekend he filled up a kiddie pool for his daughter. He left the pool outside overnight, and four lobsters crawled in and boiled themselves. Yep, it’s been that hot.
The Alabama football team, however, is too good to get hot.
Clemson played on the surface of the sun last week, and it was obvious that the fellas from the SEC weren’t used to the heat. They were from Texas, but they littered the field like so many condoms at a Gamecock tailgate. LSU complained because their locker room at Texas didn’t have air conditioning and a wine bar.
Alabama is supposed to kick off at 11 a.m. Alabama time in a few weeks, and head coach Nick Saban isn’t happy. In fact, he’s mad.
“Look, we are Alabama, and we deserve to play at night when it’s a little cooler,” Saban said. “When you play an SEC schedule and play against SEC competition every day in practice, you get fatigued really easy. I don’t want our guys to get hot and fatigued. Honestly, it feels like someone is out to get us and I don’t know why.
“That darn Dabo Swinney and those Clemson guys ran copycat plays that they saw Oklahoma use, and we all know that isn’t fair. That is against the spirit of competition. They are supposed to use the plays I’ve studied and will allow them to play. And now this – our students will have to sit out in the sun, and everybody knows that when you get drunk the sun makes it worse. If ESPN wasn’t giving us $40 million as part of the TV contract, I’d stomp my little size 3 foot and get really mad.”
Saban and the Crimson Tide will play in the heat this weekend as well. Kickoff against South Carolina is at 3:30 pm and the temperature is expected to hover around the mid ’90s. Saban isn’t worried about this week, however.
“Well, this is the last time we don’t play an SEC team until the end of the season,” he said. “Besides, if it gets really hot, I heard they have great ice.”
Now, onto some picks.
NORTH CAROLINA AT WAKE FOREST
Mack Brown has found the fountain of youth and beaten two bad teams in South Carolina and Miami. Now he takes on a Weak Florist team that has scored a ton of points on two really bad defenses but has confidence heading into this matchup of – wait for it – UNDEFEATED ACC TEAMS!!!! Brown was asked if he wanted to postpone the game til it gets cooler, and he said, “What, are we in the SEC now? It just means more to stay cool? No, let’s play!!!” WEAK FLORIST 35, UNC 31
ARKANSAS ST. AT GEORGIA
Sure, the SEC West plays a tough schedule. But Georgia has South Carolina and Kentucky and Tennessee and Vandy on the schedule, and this week they play their third consecutive game against Sister Sadie Dinkins Missionary Bible Class. The first two have gone bad for the sisters of the Bible Class, and this week will, too. GEORGIA 63, ARKANSAS ST. 17
THE CITADEL AT GEORGIA TECH
The Citadel knows all about beating up bigger competition, having knocked off the 1969 ACC Champion South Carolina Gamecocks a few years ago. This week, they travel to the bees nest to take on Geoff Collins’ group of Waffle House fry cooks. Collins is a bit of a flake, and has his team drag weights onto the field during pregame as a way of, what, flexing on the competition? Clemson just laughed at the poor little insects before dragging out the bug spray with a brand name of ETN. The Citadel keeps it close, but the weightlifting bugs win. BEES 33, CITADEL 20
ALABAMA AT SOUTH CAROLINA
You gotta give South Carolina fans credit. Every single quarterback that signs with the Gamecocks is the combination of Tom Brady, Joe Montana, George Washington, Abraham, Hank Aaron, Pele, and Spartacus and is PREORDAINED to lead them to the Promised Land. Except they never find their land of milk and honey, only doo doo ice, and they’ve been wandering in the desert for 120 years. All they know, all their ancestors knew, and all their progeny will know is an abject failure. That is why this week’s game against Bama is so…………………..intriguing. The guess here is that the tailgates will feature plenty of fights from their classy frat boys pregame and Failure Regeneration (what we would call making babies) after. ALABAMA 44, SOUTH CAROLINA 16
BETHUNE-COOKMAN AT MIAMI
Hey look!!! Miami can win a game!!!!!
CLEMSON AT SYRACUSE
The Tigers travel to New York – the state not the city – to take on the Pesky Citrus. Dino Flintstone has his squad believing they can pull the upset, and believing is half the battle. The other half of the battle is actually playing on the field, and the Citrus haven’t recruited well enough to stay in this one. Yes, they have the home-field advantage by playing in a high school stadium with a roof. There are reports that sometimes it gets really hot in there – Nick Saban refuses to schedule the Citrus because he heard it gets upwards of 67 degrees in the oven they call the Loud House – but Clemson will march in there and put an Orange Press on the Citrus folks and turn the Orange into pulp. Drink up. The OJ is fresh. CLEMSON 37, OJ 13
FLORIDA ST. AT VIRGINIA
I almost feel sorry for Willie Taggart. It’s obvious – to everyone – that he is in WAY over his head at FSU. Instead of making fun of him, however, I am gonna help him out. Dearest Willie: Please make sure your players drink plenty of water before and during the game, and please make sure your offensive players are facing the right way before the ball is snapped. It won’t help this week, but maybe in the future. VIRGINIA 30, FSU 26
OKLAHOMA AT UCLA
Dear Chip Kelly. Just stop. Please. Before you embarrass yourself. Oh, and y’all got any more of them free tickets? OKLAHOMA 54, UCLA 17