How about...Dear Mr. Neff,
From the bridge of the Titanic:

Please be advised that Captain Brownell says that the iceberg just cut a "tiny, little scratch" on the side of the ship, but with a couple more years, he can fix it and all will be well. He's currently on deck rearranging the lounge chairs and getting the band together.

Chief mate,

Clemson basketball fan

Ps: No need to sent out an SOS...it's been the SOS for 13 years now!