Pigskin Prophet: Thumb Edition |
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone, Tiger and Gamecock and Bulldog and everyone else around the country.
This is one of the best weeks of the year – rivalry week and Thanksgiving all in one. The Tigers and the Gamecocks knock heads in Death Valley Saturday night, and the Tigers are overwhelming favorites to stick a thumb in the eye of the chickens. I’ve almost felt sorry for them this week – Never Again sounds pathetic, their mascot is a cross-dressing chicken that takes showers in front of people, the entry music is from a 50-year old movie and they are too dumb to recognize that their slogan of “Spurs Up” means the chicken has died during a blood sport. Yikes. If that isn’t enough, when you look in Webster’s Dictionary under “mediocre” there is a picture of Wil Muschamp, veins popping and spit flying. Never Again and Not Much Better Than Us and all that noise doesn’t mean anything – take your thumb and pick your score. Could get ugly under the lights in Death Valley. Now onto some picks, and if you get offended, I get more Burger King coupons. MISS ST. AT OLE MISS The Egg Bowl, which is usually on sale at Denny’s for $1.99. This iteration features a team with no defense and a good offense (Ole Miss) against a team with a good defense and an offense that struggles at times. Mama Nkemdiche has taken her political power away from Ole Miss, and because the money from the Nigerian prince has dried up, the Rebels have fallen on hard times. At the end of the day there will be egg all over the Land Shark Rebel people. MISS ST. 41, OLE MISS 31 FRIDAY TEXAS AT KANSAS In case you missed it, Longhorn head coach Tom Herman has been implicated by former Ohio St receivers coach Zach Smith as a guy who likes strippers and massages. Kansas, in the meantime, has hired Les Miles, who can’t really manage a clock during a game and he’s really weird, but won’t have an impact on Friday’s game. The Longhorns in a runaway, and strippers and massages for everybody when it’s over. Thumbs up for massages!! TEXAS 31, KANSAS 14 ARKANSAS AT MISSOURI Hey, there are in the SEC, so they are like THE GREATEST TEAMS EVER, right? Am I doing it right? Thumbs down. MISSOURI 51, ARKANSAS 27 OKLAHOMA AT WEST VIRGINIA Kyler Murray and the Oklahoma offense are flying high, and the defense acts like its high all the time. That means this game could wind up as one of the highest-scoring affairs of the year. Honestly, you have to pull for Oklahoma in this one because if the mullets win, there will be cousins getting knocked up and couches burning for weeks. No one needs couches burning for weeks or more cousins getting married up that way. Keep your thumb on the remote for this one. OKLAHOMA 58, WEST VIRGINIA 50 VIRGINIA AT VIRGINIA TECH I hate to laugh at them, but things have been sour at Virginia Tech since the days of Logan Thomas (he’s so tall!!!!). Here is how bad it’s gotten for the Gobblers – if they win Friday’s game, they have Marshall waiting to play the next week so they can maybe win and go to a bowl game so they can keep some silly bowl streak alive. If they lose, Marshall can take the week off. That, my friends, is almost as pathetic as thumb spurs. VIRGINIA 24, GOBBLERS 17 WASHINGTON AT WASHINGTON ST. We have to include the Pirate in this week’s edition. He has the Cougars playing really well, and part of it is because his quarterback has a mustache worthy of a pornstar from the 1970s. Washington was a favorite heading into the season, but the Huskies have been just a few plays away in some big games. The Pirate throws his Cougar stank all over the Huskies, who pee all over themselves. I think this one is Thumbtastic, WASHINGTON ST. 37, WASHINGTON 30 SATURDAY MICHIGAN AT OHIO ST. Urban Meyer did his best to set the stage for future health problems last week, even dramatically bending over at one point. When he noticed that the TV cameras were focused on the players, he walked away from the group, put his hands on his knees, and grimaced for the cameras, keeping one eye open to make sure someone was looking. My ex-wife used to do the same thing. Let’s face it, Ohio St.’s defense is bad and Michigan wins one in the series. MICHIGAN 30, OHIO ST. 24 FLORIDA AT FLORIDA ST. Hey, maybe the Noles figured out some things last week in the win over BC. The defense looks legit, and we know that Florida has problems scoring on anyone that has thumbs instead of spurs, so this one should be interesting. I think the Noles in the upset, cause the SEC East is garbage. FSU 27, FLORIDA 20 SOUTH CAROLINA AT CLEMSON Jake from Flop Farm revisits the scene of the crime – the Tigers broke off two of his spurs two years ago and thumbed him out of the stadium. He has a better offense and a better offensive line, and he hopes that’s enough to get the win. However, the Gamecock defense couldn’t stop a nerd from getting laid in a sorority house at Five Points, and they won’t have an answer for the Clemson offense. At the end of the night, the thumbs will be out as they hitchhike back to Columbia. CLEMSON 63, SOUTH CAROLINA 7
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