Pigskin Prophet: SEC East Edition


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Pigskin Prophet: SEC East Edition

The Pigskin Prophet is in high demand with the football conferences around the nation.

After lending a hand to help the ACC with its Louisville officiating complaints – we promised free mullet-style haircuts to everybody that would leave – the SEC called and said they had a problem they needed some help with.

See, the SEC East stinks. It’s terrible. Putrid. Rancid. Rotten.

Heck, it’s so bad South Carolina will make a bowl game.

So the SEC contacted me about helping change the perception of the conference and especially the East, which is without a doubt the worst division in the Power Five. I’m not gonna lie – Wake Forest would win that division going away. Who am I kidding? Appalachian St. would be the best team in the division and they actually graduate players.

So I took a look at the state of the programs, took a look at what it would take to help change the perception of the programs, and…..

Turned them down. It’s impossible.

Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Now for some picks.

FRIDAY

BOSTON COLLEGE AT FLORIDA ST.

The Eagles haven’t been very good this season against the best teams in the conference, and despite three losses and complaints about officiating the Seminoles still have as much talent as anybody. So why is the game being played on a Friday night? Boston College has a huge hockey game on Saturday against Notre Dame (I’m not kidding, they do) and they needed to free up their Saturday so they can tailgate outside the Conte Forum and then go watch some hockey. Get the puck in the crease and score!!!! FSU 27, BOSTON COLLEGE 13

SATURDAY

BAYLOR AT OKLAHOMA

Here’s the deal. If you like defense, like good, hard-hitting football with crisp execution on the defensive side of the ball, don’t watch this. Don’t even come close to watching it. The team that wins will have the ball last. Oklahoma wins on a late three-pointer by Baker Mayfield after he grabs a rebound and goes the length of the court. OKLAHOMA 68, BAYLOR 65

MISS ST. AT AL-UH-BAMA

AL-UH-BAMMAAA (in Verne Lendquist voice) hasn’t played the toughest of schedules so far, but they get a test this week in the form of the Bulldogs who ruined Texas A&M’s College Football Playoff chances last week. The Bulldogs can hang around for a bit, but when they’re successful they are running the football and AL-UH-BAMMA doesn’t allow anyone to run the football. It will be tight for a bit, Nick Saban will scream at Lane Kiffin, Kiffin will call all running plays for Jalen Hurts and Bama wins going away. AL-UH-BAMMA 34, MISS ST 16

SOUTH CAROLINA AT FLORIDA

Whooooooo????

Lol. Sort of kidding. Maybe. Will Muschamp drained The Swamp of any good will, but he has South Carolina playing well(Hahahahaha) against the worst teams in college football – the SEC East. The Gators are leading the conference – sort of – but they would finish last in every conference except the SEC. This one has the makings of a real snooze fest – if you can watch paint dry then do that – and I think South Carolina will make it closer than people think. Just because they are both so very, very bad. Like bad. FLORIDA 16, WHOOOOOO 14

KENTUCKY AT TENNESSEE

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!! EVERYBODY QUITS AFTER THEY PLAY SIX OVERTIMES AND CAN’T DECIDE ON A WINNER!!!!!!!!! KENTUCKY 57, TENNESSEE 57

NC STATE AT SYRACUSE

Dave Doeren, the kindest, most gentle and tender hearted coach in the ACC takes his players to the hot box known as the Carrier Dome to take on Sarahcuse. Sarahcuse has taken some lumps lately, and Doeren said in his weekly press conference that their best play was knocking the Cuse quarterback out of the game last week. When he was reminded the two teams haven’t played and he was knocked out against Clemson, our little angel knocked over the table, threw the microphones against the wall and went off in a corner and cried. PACK 27, SARAHCUSE 25

AUBURN AT GEORGIA

Good ole Gus Malzahn. After playing 17 different quarterbacks in the opener against Clemson, he decided on Sean White (not that guy, not the snowboarder) and the Tigers took off. Then a funny thing happened – White broke team rules and was suspended for last week’s game against Vanderbilt, what Malzahn term as an “injury.” Then another funny thing happened, Vanderbilt (remember they play in the SEC Least so they’re bad) was whipping Auburn, and White miraculously recovered/had his injury heal/had his suspension lifted in time for him to lead Auburn to the win. You can’t make this stuff up. Meanwhile, Georgia plays in the SEC East and they’re terrible. Like, really, really bad. So this one will be close. Or not. AUBURN 37, GEORGIA 20

VANDERBILT AT MISSOURI

It’s the SEC East. I can’t even deal. MIZZOU 9, VANDY 6

PITTSBURGH AT CLEMSON

Pitt head coach Pat Narduzzi (who was on Laverne and Shirley, I think, right?) told the media earlier this season that he didn’t know Clemson’s stadium was named Death Valley. Shockingly enough, he’s never heard of the Lindbergh Baby, World War II or the Rise and Fall of the SEC East. Saturday, his Panthers get to see Death Valley up close and personal – provided he’s heard of a thing called airplanes and they get to Clemson on time – and they will take a sound beating home with him. CLEMSON 42, PITT 22

UTSA AT LOUISIANA TECH

Not who. Not this time. Both of these teams would win the SEC East. TECH 38, UTSA 30

WAKE FOREST AT LOUISVILLE

The rumors are strong that LSU will reach out to Louisville head coach Bobby Petrino in hopes of enticing him to Baton Rouge when the season is over. Word on the street is that LSU is offering a new motorcycle and that Petrino is already interviewing volleyball players for a possible position on his staff………….anyway…..he was all set to head down for an interview, but wide receiver James Quick took down the directions and had Bobby turning a yard short every time. Oh, they beat Wake. VILLE 50, WAKE 20


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