Pigskin Prophet - Week 7


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It’s time for yet another edition of the Pigskin Prophet, and yes, he has listened to you.

What? You thought that because Clemson had a bye week, so did the Prophet? Nary a chance of that. There are just way too many games on the docket this week, and way too many people that we can make fun of.

And yes, we listened. More games. Less analysis. Or maybe I will get tired halfway through and need Heather to make me a sammich. Either way, we are going to take a look at some of college football’s biggest games, and pick at least two of the winners correctly.

It’s getting down to crunch time – where we separate the contenders from the pretenders- and we’ll have a better idea of who those pretenders are by late Saturday night.

On to the picks…..and remember, it’s all in fun. But if you don’t like it, I will get you fired. And if they don’t fire you, then I’m just going to the beach because I don’t need the aggravation. What do you want me to do, Ron????

TEXAS VS. OKLAHOMA – It’s Red River Rivalry week. I am from that part of the world, and this will always be the Red River Shootout to me, the name this game held until 2005 when corporate wussies decided to change it so the name would sound “less violent.” In the meantime, Texas and OU fans are chasing each other around with six-shooters in the parking lot, Bevo is inside the stadium trying to gore the little ponies that pull the Boomer Schooner and the players are trying to rip each other’s heads off. Yep, makes perfect sense to me. No violence here folks. Move along. Nothing to see here. Oklahoma 30, Texas 28.

SYRACUSE AT RUTGERS – We care about this game because one of these teams is going to be in the ACC and the other is a projected member somewhere down the road. Except we all know that Rutgers doesn’t have a great basketball program, and they have a pretty good chance at hanging around the top 25 in football most years. That means they are NOT a good fit for the ACC and ole Johnny Swofford…if they want in the ACC, they need to put all their money into basketball. In the meantime, who really cares what team wins this one…..RUTGERS 27, SYRACUSE 17

NORTH CAROLINA AT MIAMI, (FL) – Ladies and gentlemen, we have our first bowl game of the season, the First Annual Academic and Athletic Integrity Bowl, played in front of an excited crowd of 83 fans, most of them Al Golden’s family and ex-strippers. Ole Johnny will wear his baby blue coat and tie to the game in the hopes that his Blue Bellies can “beat those cheaters. After all, we never had strippers at UNC.” Except I’m pretty sure Tyler Hansbrough’s mom did a little stripping for her boss. The winner gets a trophy, while the loser gets the strongest penalty possible from the ACC and ole Johnny – a strong reprimand. UNC 38, MIAMI 31

AUBURN AT OLE MISS – Poor Gene Chizik. Two years ago, Cam Newton won the National Championship and took ole Gene along for the ride. The bad news is that he didn’t take Gene to the NFL with him, and Chizik now has to stay in Auburn and listen to people talk about how he is on hot seat. Pat Dye – who honestly has never made a lick of sense, anyway – says Chizik is worth 10 Nick Sabans…snort. Yep, I actually laughed out loud on that one. In the meantime, ole Gene has been preparing himself for the onslaught of questions about his job security – in order to not be impeached, he has come up with a brand new, original slogan..”Read my lips, I did NOT have sex with that woman.” OLE MISS 20, AUBURN 17

DUKE AT VIRGINIA TECH – Don’t look now, but Duke is actually leading Virginia Tech in the standings. Well, don’t sit there and think that Superman, aka Logan Thomas, is gonna take that. Thomas has actually improved in recent weeks (has to be because, yep, HE’S SO TALL) and his completion percentage has now crept to just over 50 percent. And he has now thrown more touchdown passes to his own receivers than to the other team. That’s progress folks. VIRGINIA TECH 27, DUKE 20

CLEMSON VS. OPEN DATE – The Tigers get a much-needed bye week. However, the safeties blow two more coverages and the defense still gives up 329 rushing yards. Not good. Not good at all.

MARYLAND AT VIRGINA – I am sure the folks at the ACC would have you believe this is a big game. It’s not. Virginia has a pretty little stadium, but they have a slow New Year’s Eve song as their “fight” song and their fans show up with their little sweater vests (that’s just the women) and wing tips (again the women) and cheer not so loudly. Honestly, I don’t even think the players’ mothers want to watch this one. VIRGINIA 24, MARYLAND 22

ALABAMA AT MISSOURI – Alabama played Ole Miss last weekend, and after the game the Ole Miss defensive linemen – looking out of their one un-swollen eye – told the media they swore they heard Bama’s offensive linemen talking about the game needing to hurry because they were working second shift at the mill, and their wives needed them at home to help take care of their six kids. Yep, Bama has some grown-a** men on their line. Missouri doesn’t, and they find the move from the Big 12 and the swinging gate defenses to the SEC is not as easy as they thought. BAMA 38, MISSOURI 6

WEST VIRGINIA AT TEXAS TECH – You are gonna think I’m joking, but I’m not. What team sits squarely in between Alabama and LSU at No. 2 in the nation in total defense? Texas Tech. I kid you not. Go look it up. The Mullet takes his couch-burners down to Lubbock to see just how good the Red Raider defense is, and he finds out they actually do have a little bit of bite. Then the game starts, and Geno does his thing. WEST VIRGINIA 40, TEXAS TECH 28

STANFORD AT NOTRE DAME – This is actually the premier game in the ACC this week, except for the fact that neither school is in the ACC. Notre Dame needs to win now, because once ole Johnny gets a hold of them, they turn into a basketball school. I am predicting that the Irish continue their Farewell to College Football Tour in grand fashion, beating the smart liberals from the Left Coast in true Catholic fashion – no, they don’t send priests after the boys or burn somebody at the stake – they just beat ‘em on the scoreboard. NOTRE DAME 24, STANFORD 16

UTSA AT RICE – Who??? And why are they playing a starch????

BOSTON COLLEGE AT FSU – Awww, poor FSU. You knew they were gonna do it as soon as Heather Dinich started calling them a National Championship contender. I mean, she single-handedly derailed Logan Thomas’ Heisman campaign with her gushing praise. And now she has done it to Florida St. Remember the Madden jinx? If a player appears on the cover of Madden he automatically blows out a knee the next season. Maybe the ACC has a Dinich jinx…just sayin’. In reality, though, little Bimbo Fisher was destined to lose. It’s what he does. And raise your hand if you think the best quarterback in Tallahassee is Clint Trickett……FSU 38, BOSTON COLLEGE 14

KENTUCKY AT ARKANSAS – I know, the SEC is good. But there are some really bad, bad teams in that conference. Here are two examples (and you can throw Vanderbilt and Ole Miss and Auburn and Missouri in there, too). This one has the married cousins traveling down to Wal-Mart to see what they can find on sale (or steal), and they find that the Pig Girl actually stands outside the gates of the stadium – Wal-Mart greeter style – to welcome fans to the stadium. John L. Smith got another shot of embalming fluid last week (he almost looked life-like) and they whipped up on Auburn (not hard to do). This week, they get Joker Phillips and his band of Southern Conference back-ups. This one is much like Maryland and Virignia…who wants to watch this? Brutal. Just brutual. Unless you ask a South Carolina fan, and they will tell you these two teams would win the Big 10 or Big 12 or ACC. Or the NFC West. ARKANSAS 31 KENTUCKY 17

SOUTH CAROLINA AT LSU – The Gamecocks continue their march towards their fifth place rings this week, traveling down to the Bayou to play a team that has actually earned the right to chant “SEC” at football games (you know, because they’ve actually won the conference). Steve Spurrier has been his usual 13-year old girl self this week, which means he is feeling good about his team and their chances of maybe even ascending to fourth place. He takes on the most clueless coach in America – Les Miles – who wins by not out-coaching anyone but by having more talent. And talent he does have - in abundance. Especially on that d-line. The Ole Ball Coach may actually wanna head to the beach when this one is done…LSU 12, SOUTH CAROLINA 10


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