Storytime: Toddler Ryanadidas shuts down I-95

Aug 29, 2022, 10:00 AM

Fluffhead's story about the missing kid brought up a pretty crazy story from my childhood, and as you know, I love telling a good story.

So the year was 1986. Cell phones were not "a thing", at least not for our family. The extended Adidas Family headed to the Santee Outlet Mall 'longside I-95.

Although they've since closed, this was the premier shopping experience around Lake Marion, and perhaps all of Orangeburg County. The Adidas cast consisted of GrandpaAdidas, GrandmaAdidas, Daddy Adidas, MamaAdidas, Ryanadidas, and BrotherAdidas, who was 1 year old at the time.

The outlet stores were crowded, as there was a boat show on the grounds. The whole family was together looking at boats, when the women-folk wanted to go do some shopping.

DaddyAdidas had BrotherAdidas in his arms when the groups parted ways.

Some time later, DaddyAdidas realizes that Ryanadidas is missing and starts panicking. An elderly lady on sitting on a nearby bench tells DaddyAdidas the she saw some long-haired man grab Ryanadidas and run off with him! (You don't have to know DaddyAdidas to understand his distain for long-haired men... especially ones with a penchant for kidnapping).

DaddyAdidas loses it! He hands 1 year old BrotherAdidas off to some strangers and takes off sprinting around the stores. He contacts the police and I-95 is shut down. I'm not sure how long the search took, but I imagine it felt like a life time.

The police found Ryanadidas looking at clown figurines in Royal Daulton while Grandma Adidas and MamaAdidas shopped nearby. I was none the wiser, my parents and grandparents were scarred for life, and we eventually were reunited with baby brother adidas a few years later (jk, I think we got him back after a few minutes).

To this day, when wife and I are splitting up in a mall, or store, or wherever, I make sure we both look each other in the eye and say, "I'm taking Sonadidas, you keep Daughteradidas", and it is confirmed by the other person.... because that's basically what happened. The women decided to take me with them (because boats are boring... I'd rather look at clown figurines), and my dad/granddad didn't get the memo... Plus, WTFFF is up with that old lady that told my dad a long-haired man grabbed me??? I guess she thought my mom was a man? Or maybe she was just deranged? Who knows? I know that my dad wanted to punch her teeth out, though.