Oculus Spirit [43490]

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Posts: 21968

Joined: 2022

Time to get a murder pole.

May 15, 2025, 8:59 AM

Gentlemen, tragedy has struck. Last night, as my family slept, a pack of ravenous, tick-infested assbags broke through the fortifications that protected my weeping redbud, and pillaged every last leaf their grubby jaws could find. I feel...naked and violated. Just like my tree.

For years I have lived in peaceful coexistence with these creatures who heretofore I considered friends and noble neighborhood companions. We lived side by side, happily, and even occasionally I would invite LKN Tiger up to do his deed for a small price — and the humble request to keep his grunts to minimal volume so as not to disrupt the neighbors. But, it seems instead they were simply building around me a false sense of security, tricking me into transitioning from stronger mesh netting to more clandestine, but obviously weaker, fishing line. Then, at the moment of peak spring growth, they swept in to rob me of what I consider to be the crown jewel of my front yard.

Daily I would stand at my window, and gaze upon the majesty of the growing redbud. I would turn to my lovely wife, and proudly ejaculate. "Look ho, woman. Look at how our tree grows proudly! Behold its beauty, that dare I say dims yours!" I would say.

Now, it cowers with a forlorn lilt, like a beauty queen slashed by a jealous rival.

The last creature to cross me in such a way was the squirrel. The tree rat chewed its way into my attic, and made a home for its filthy progeny. And, after the pest control professional was only able to eradicate the brood, and not the matriarch, I sat patiently with a pellet rifle for it to make its way back through the hole, before popping it right in the noggin.

I fear the same course of action now must taken. It is with much regret I choose this course, but no other option is left to me. The trust has been broken; a seal which never again can be mended. I shall now acquire a murder pole -- a 10ft. crafted aluminum rod of God that American natives would bow down before. I shall hide in the bushes, quiet but shaking with anticipation, until I see the yellow of their eyes and at just the right moment it will be as if I hear the feminine voice of Tom Cruise whispering in my ear:

proceed...

I will then thrust my dagger deep into their flesh — much like, but much differently, than LKN does when he comes to visit — and take them down.

Then, I will rejoice, and leave their carcass hanging from the gutter as a warning to all others that Jimmy will not be crossed.

Only then will I have peace. Only then, will I have justice.

Only then, will I feel the sweet release. Much like LKN has when he comes to visit.

Thank you.

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drunk at the putt putt.

Last night, while I was sleeping and drooling on my pillow, EVIL MONSTER ANIMALS came into my yard and ATE MY TREE.

Not the whole tree. Just the leaves. But still. THEY ATE THEM. ALL OF THEM.

It was my favorite tree. I named it Mr. Redbud. He was beautiful. Now he’s just a stick with sadness.

I used to like the animals. I even gave one of them a cool name: LKN Tiger. I thought we were best bros. I let him do weird raccoon stuff in the yard and didn’t even tell on him.

But they TRICKED ME. They waited until I used the dumb fishing string instead of the strong net. And then... they ATTACKED.

I looked out the window this morning like I always do, ready to say, “WOW, LOOK AT THAT TREE!” But I saw... NOTHING. Just branches. Naked, bald, tree bones.

I screamed. My mom said, “What’s wrong?” and I said, “THE WORLD IS WRONG.”

One time a squirrel broke into our attic and my dad got a BB gun and waited like a secret agent. It was awesome. That squirrel never came back.

So now it’s MY TURN.

I’m gonna get a GIANT STICK. Like a 10-foot lightning rod of doom. I’ll hide in the bushes and wait. And when I see those furry jerks again, I’ll jump out like HIIIIIYAAAAA!!!

WHAM. BAM. NO MORE TREE-EATERS.

Then I’ll hang their dumb little tail on the fence as a sign.

It will say: “DON’T MESS WITH JIMMY OR HIS TREE.”

Then I’ll feel better.

Maybe.

The end.

Time to get a murder pole.

How often do you use

This one was actually all Jimmy.

Re: This one was actually all Jimmy.

I do think a key element of humanity that differentiates a genuine story from an

Hey pssst you need one of these

THE SADDEST DAY EVER

Out at THE WORLD IS WRONG.***

Look man the only thing I can say about this is

Re: Look man the only thing I can say about this is

Excellent use of the medium***

Re: Time to get a murder pole.

Yes, and I'm gonna need some deets on that DIY hose hider***

Personally, I appreciate the subtle contrast between the 2 year old mulch and

There sure seems to be a lot of murder in Charlotte over the last few days.

Re: Time to get a murder pole.

Wife had to close her studio because the public humiliation was too much.***

your porch is an FBCoach type of porch

We just got our new door, too.

Pro tip ... they don't eat Hickorys.***

Re: Time to get a murder pole.

whooooaaaaa does that actually work?***

no

Re: whooooaaaaa does that actually work?***

Looks just like my weeping cherry tree.

I had an arborist over once and mentioned them going after it before

netting has been restored.***

Netting has been penetrated.

Re: Netting has been penetrated.

Ahem you need one of these sir.

I skipped water and have gone straight to electricity.***

How's that working for you?***

I'LL LET YOU KNOW WHEN THE AMAZON TRUCK GETS HERE, KEN.***

Wait I thought it was the deer eating your bush.***

Re: I'LL LET YOU KNOW WHEN THE AMAZON TRUCK GETS HERE, KEN.***

What sort of varmit was it?

Re: Time to get a murder pole.

Done good sir, they aint coming back tonight. Of course theres nothing to eat.***

re: re:

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