Pigskin Prophet: Mini bottles edition


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Pigskin Prophet: Mini bottles edition

Ah, the first week of November. All of your favorite teams still have a chance at winning their division, their conference and perhaps even reaching the College Football Playoff.

Unless you’re a South Carolina fan. Then you gotta hope the 12th game doesn’t get rained out so you can be bowl eligible and earn yet another holiday trip to Birmingham or Shreveport.

How bad have things been in Columbia this season? The world’s greatest receiving corpse (lol) couldn’t catch syphilis in a Bangkok cat house and the team has had to schedule a 12th game so they can maybe make a bowl game.

That isn’t the worst of it, however. We all know that the fans are more accurate with their throws than the quarterback – some of those sorority girls can hit an opposing coach or player with a mini liquor bottle from 50 yards away – but those fans are having some of the fun taken away.

It turns out that there have been so many drunken brawls at the tailgates that Greek Life has decided to abolish hard liquor. Yep. They are gonna do it. Seriously. Don’t laugh. It doesn’t help matters that local hospitals in Columbia say that drunken South Carolina students are overloading the ER and causing problems, likely by throwing medicine bottles at the nurses.

It could be worse, though. Wait..who am I kidding? It can’t get worse. Can it?

On to some picks. And don’t get offended or I will throw a bottle at you.

FRIDAY

PITT AT VIRGINIA

Holy cow. Friday night lights at Virginia with the Coastal Division hanging in the balance. That’s right, the winner of this game controls its own destiny in the ACC Coastal Division. Fun fact – the ACC Championship Game has been around since 2005 and neither one of these programs has appeared in it. The last time Pitt was relevant Dan Marino was a freshman and the last time Virginia was relevant Thomas Jefferson was writing some pretty cool documents. Both teams are fighting for something, and they’ve done it without drunken brawls and bottle throwing from the student body. I will take the home team. VIRGINIA 30, PITT 23

SATURDAY

LOUISVILLE AT CLEMSON

You know that scene in Christmas Vacation where Cousin Eddie tells Clark that the Jelly of Month is the gift that keeps on giving the year roud? That is Cards head coach Bobby Petrino, who has skulked out of town on more than occasion, leaving a job in the middle of the night, dealt with a young volleyball girlfriend and famously attended a press conference with a neck brace and road rash. Last week, a dose of karma bit him on his neck brace when a kid he pulled a scholarship offer from (at the last minute) ran for about 800 yards on him. He is…spectacular. This week he takes his outmatched ballclub to Clemson to take on Dabo Swinney’s Pickens’ Pride, and the results will be spectacular. In this case, the Cardinals will have road rash after Etienne and company run over and through them. CLEMSON 63, LOUISVILLE 3

SYRACUSE AT WAKE FOREST

For a while there, we thought that maybe Syracuse only played well against Clemson, but they tripped u NC State last week (without the use of laptops) and the Orange are actually ranked in the CFP rankings. And they’ve done it without drunken brawls and bottle throwing from the student body. This one will be wild and it will be wooly (what does that even mean) and it will be high-scoring, and all 478 fans in attendance will cheer. And they’ll do it without drunken brawls and bottle throwing from the student body. SYRACUSE 50, WAKE FOREST 45

TEXAS A&M AT AUBURN

Texas A&M is ranked in part because two of their losses came at the hands of the top two teams in the country. The narrow win over South Carolina took away points, but they are still ranked and put that ranking on the line this weekend at Clemson lite. Auburn seems to be a disaster most of the time, but this week they will rise up and play well and perhaps, perhaps, knock the Aggies out of the rankings. And they’ll do it without drunken brawls and bottle throwing from the student body. Or not. AGGIES 23, GUSBUS 20

SOUTH CAROLINA AT OLE MISS

You gotta give Jake From Flop Farm credit – he took a shot last week against The Newport Baptist Church Ladies Auxiliary Class and appeared to be injured. He popped up, narrowly escaping liquor bottles, and led his team back to the win over Sister Fannie Fae and her sewing circle. Things are a little different this week – Ole Miss isn’t outright paying players and they don’t have a certain Nigerian politician pulling strings with the government, but they are still dangerous, and they will beat the cross-dressing chicken. And they’ll do it without drunken brawls and bottle throwing from the student body. OLE MESS 38, MINIBOTTLES 33

GEORGIA TECH AT UNC

WHOOOOOOO????

GEORGIA AT KENTUCKY

The Bluegrass folks are a lot like Miami from a year ago – bad or average in so many spots but managing to get the breaks and win games. That will come to screeching halt this week against a pack of puppies who are salivating at the chance of playing this group of overachievers and knocking the silly smirk off the face of Ashley Judd. And they’ll do it without drunken brawls and bottle throwing from the student body. GEORGIA 30, KAINTUCKEE 13

ALABAMA AT LSU

Alabama finally gets a game against a varsity squad after facing off the dregs of the country in the season’s first nine weeks. Little Nicky and the boys will find things a little tougher in Deaf Valley against the Cookie Monster and his Bayou Bengals, and won’t be able to run roughshod from the beginning. This appears to be a fourth-quarter game, but Alabama will do what they always do and get a favorable call and pull away in the end. And they’ll do it without drunken brawls and bottle throwing from the student body. ALABAMA 30, LSU 20

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