Pigskin Prophet: Gamecocks are the Jelly of the Month Club
|Friday, November 22, 2019, 7:37 AM- -|
The Gamecocks are kind of like the Jelly of the Month Club from the iconic movie Christmas Vacation. They are the gift that keeps on giving.
It seems like I spend the majority of my life putting out the proverbial fires that come out of the Wastelands of South Carolina. This week has been no exception, so let me catch you up on everything. See, the university has hired an independent source (ME!!) to handle all of the communications coming out of the school.
New university president Robert Caslen, a retired general, has to think of me as his new PAO (Public Affairs Officer). I will communicate the correct message that the school wants to send to the public and media. Why am I needed? Because this week has been a disaster.
First, Caslen went to the Greenville News and said that head coach Will Muschamp was his coach through the end of the season and then said, “then we’ll see what’s up.” Sorry, coach, you say you needed to recruit?
Then AD Ray Tanner made a statement saying that Muschamp was going to be in Columbia for the long haul, refuting Caslen’s statement. Then Caslen went to another paper and said that Tanner was asking schools how to buy out Muschamp. Then he came out and released a statement and said nothing he said to either paper was right.
Then the school had to release another statement saying all was well with the world. Nothing to see here, folks. Move along, now. Nothing to see here. Ignore the dead body in the street. Move along.
Then we hear that a South Carolina staffer was fired after he assaulted a Gamecock fan dressed up as Will Muschamp on Halloween. Wait, aren’t we supposed to dress up as something scary on Halloween?
Then, to top off the week, the Voice of the Gamecocks (Todd Ellis) suggested that perhaps Clemson’s Walk of Champions triggers South Carolina students into throwing objects, flipping birds and generally behaving like criminals. He then said maybe, just maybe, Clemson could avoid this tradition so they wouldn’t trigger the little garnet-colored snowflakes. Add in the fact that The State paper called Gamecock fans braying donkeys and the general's sons started attacked media types on Twitter, and it's that special time of year.
The. Gift. That. Keeps. On. Giving.
You serious, Clark?
PENN ST. AT OHIO ST.
Penn State once held a spot in the top four of the College Football Playoff rankings. We all laughed because we knew that they are a good football team in a weak conference. They are slow, and make too many mistakes. This week they get Ohio State, who has played two Sunday School Classes, the Little Giants, East Mississippi Community College, South Fork High School, and the under-10 rec league team out of Sandusky. This one might be close for a quarter. Maybe two quarters. But it’s in the Muleshoe and it will get as ugly as the Nittany Lion road uniforms in the second half. OHIO ST. 38, PENN ST. 16
BOSTON COLLEGE AT NOTRE DAME
It’s the Catholics vs. the Catholics, even though Boston College is really a Jesuit school and Notre Dame is more conservative. Still, this is an intriguing matchup because BC has forgotten about the forward pass but runs the ball really well. Notre Dame can’t stop the run. Even though that particular matchup might favor the Jesuits, Notre Dame is simply more talented across the board, they are at home, and really, Boston College isn’t very good. NOTRE DAME 37, BOSTON COLLEGE 20
OPEN DATE AT SOUTH CAROLINA
Nah. I can’t. It’s too easy.
Or is it? (Jelly of the Month!!)
Several thousand mullet-wearing followers of the Gamecock football program hear about “Open Date” connected with Gamecock football, and they all use their best Gamecock gear (the girls wearing GO COCKS!) because think it’s some kind of dating program put on by the university. The lack of teeth and the smell doesn’t deter anyone – some even show up with flowers – and somebody wearing Gamecock colors FINALLY scores inside the stadium (JELLY OF THE MONTH!!!) OPEN DATE 30, FANS 30! WE ALL WIN!!!
PITT AT VIRGINIA TECH
Look at what we have here. An ACC Coastal Division showdown. Pitt heads to Virginia Tech this weekend, and if the Hokies win it sets up an even bigger game between the Hokies and Virginia next week. If Pitt wins, they win the Coastal if they beat BC next week and the Hokies get by the Cavs. So yeah, in terms of the ACC Coastal, this is kind of a big deal. The Hokies have been playing a lot better as of late, and it’s the last home game for Bud Foster, the defensive coordinator who escaped the volcanic eruption in Pompeii with this family in 79 AD and made his way to Blacksburg. Except for a short stint in the Revolutionary War, Foster has been at Tech since 1534. They will win it for Bud. VT 23, PITT 17
TCU AT OKLAHOMA
The Horny Toads head to Norman to see if they can derail the Sooner Schooner’s Playoff hopes. Twice, the Sooners have watched as their season started to slip away – once in the loss to K-State and last week at the half at Baylor – and they now know they have to play perfect to win. The Horny Toads are good enough to throw a scare in them, but they won’t win. SOONERS 37, TOADS 24
DUKE AT WAKE FOREST
Both of these teams were beaten like a Gamecock fan dressed like Muschamp last week (Jelly of the Month!!!). Duke is never great, usually pretty good, but the Blue Devils have slipped this season as the payroll for the Mike Shafeski roster continues to bloat while the other sports are ignored. Wake does enough to win this one. WAKE 34, DUKE 10