Pigskin Prophet - Week 13

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Can you believe it’s the last week of the regular season for many conferences and teams?

Neither can I, even though the search to find a meaningful and lucrative job has seemingly gone on for forever, even though Crump has agreed to double the amount of Burger King coupons he uses to pay me.

Well, the end of the regular season has coincided with my finding an actual job, one that not only pays the bills but gives me a certain level of satisfaction.

The Atlantic Coast Conference has hired me to be the liaison between the conference and teams that want to leave the conference for more money elsewhere.

I was hired after a quick vetting and interview process Monday – I told Commissioner John Swofford I had my degree in AFAM from UNC – and hopped a plane to Maryland to see if there was any way I could convince the Terrapins to stay in the conference.

I had to fight my way through a throng of Maryland athletic supporters – all three of them – to get to the Maryland officials, but I caught them counting wads of cash in a back office and I knew it was too late.

I pushed my way back through the throng – there were two left by the time I was leaving – and now I am headed to Florida St., where Jimbo Fisher has been traded to Auburn for $10 million and a coach to be named later.

On to this week’s picks as I wait for the plane to be fueled, and remember, it’s rivalry week so it’s meant to be mean.


Mack Brown’s Texas team has turned it around after a couple of embarrassing mid-season losses, while Gary Patterson’s TCU squad has performed remarkably well considering half of his team has moved to Colorado in order to enhance their “business opportunities.” Brown needs another win so he can stay around for another year and lose to Oklahoma by 60 points for something like the 10th time in 11 years. He gets the win this week. TEXAS 35, TCU 27


I really am surprised that Arkansas decided to play this game on Black Friday considering that Wal-Mart will be open all day. That leads me to believe that most Hog fans will be working instead of at the game, and this could turn into an LSU home game. It won’t be pretty, and Arkansas head coach John L. Smith rides off into the sunset on his motorcycle after the game with the Pig Girl seated safely on the back. LSU 34, ARKANSAS 20

The best thing about this contest is that it isn’t in Morgantown, which brought a new supply of couches after early-season wins had the Neers thinking BCS bowls and Heisman Trophies. Alas, the couches might get burned anyway when they find out The Mullet is looking for another gig as well. And, as well all know, Ames is where dreams go to die…..IOWA ST. 38, MULLETS 37

Both teams really, really wanna win this game. The winner gets a leg up on leaving the Big East. CINCY 41, SOUTH FLORIDA 28

South Carolina has won three in a row in the series, and the rumor is that if they win four in a row they all get new necklaces, new homes for their parents and their police records expunged. Head coach Steve Spurrier is also working on allowing his players to be able to vote when they turn 18 (for some reason, SCAR players can’t vote til they are 21 or out of jail). Those rewards allow SCAR to stay close early, but the Ole Ball Coach starts throwing his visor by midway through the third quarter and looking for beach front property midway through the fourth. CLEMSON 38, SCAR 28

Paul Johnson has solidified himself as one of the nation’s top coaches (snicker, snicker) in getting his proud (snicker, snicker) Georgia Tech team to respond to his great coaching and EARN a spot in the ACC Championship Game. Actually, they didn’t earn it. The ACC would probably rather give Maryland a nice parting gift and let them in to play FSU than let Johnson’s group in, but the two teams that deserve to be there are on probation because the ACC is a fine academic league (snicker, snicker.) Does anyone else think this will either be a Georgia blowout, or Georgia looks past this slovenly crew and has a scare late? The good news for Mark Richt is that he has run out of suspensions to hand out, and all hands should be present and accounted for. GEORGIA 35, GEORGIA TECH 23

Someone really, really needs to get some hunting company to endorse this game and call it the Lame Duck Bowl – Rutgers is headed to the Big Ten and Pitt to the ACC. If a team moves conferences and nobody cares, does it make a sound??? PITT 24, RUTGERS 21

If the winner of this game gets to join the ACC, PLEASE let it be Louisville. It will be. LOUISVILLE 34, UCONN 17

Every week I get a text from ESPN telling me if Michigan’s Denard Robinson is going to play or not. Like I care? The only thing people need to know about this game is that the best quarterback on the field won’t be the over-rated Robinson, who has garnered big numbers while out-running Polish farmboys in the Big Ten, it will be Braxton Miller. Both teams have new coaches, but the result is the same, a Buckeye win. In celebration, Urban Meyer lets the Ohio St. players sell their jerseys for tattoos. TATTOO OHIO 35, BRADY HOAX 27

In all honesty, I was actually offered the chance to coach both of these schools in this game, but turned it down. I need a job with some job security, like chasing down schools wanting to leave Swofford’s conference. Same thing applies here, however…if they play a game and no one is around to watch it, does the score count? TENNESSEE 40, KENTUCKY 20

All 12 of Miami’s fans travel to Duke to watch their team take on Duke. They join forces with the 19 Duke football fans in attendance, and talk ACC basketball, not watching what goes on down on the field. Somewhere, Swofford smiles as he hears the word “basketball.” In the meantime….MIAMI 37, DUKE 28

How fitting is it that what could be Tom O’Brien’s last game at N.C. State is against his former team. However, his Wolfpack squad is just way more talented than what Tom Selleck brings to town, and O’Brien gets the win in a big way. As a sign of relief, he breaks down in front of the cameras after the game and in an almost unheard of display of emotion, almost smiles. N.C. STATE 38, BOSTON COLLEGE 24.

Now, on to some REAL football!!! Well, at least it’s better than Tennessee and Kentucky. WHO?????

Let’s see, we have two founding members of the ACC. One is on probation and can’t go to a bowl game, and further investigations are waiting in the future. The other team is on a long losing streak, has a freshman linebacker playing quarterback and decided this week they don’t want to be in the league anymore. Oh boy, this is a MUST-SEE GAME (snicker, snicker). The good for North Carolina fans is that they have plenty of wine and cheese to keep Buffy, Brentley, and Charles Worthington Blossombottom the Third occupied until basketball starts. UNC 41, MARYLAND 17

Go Cowboys!!!!!!! Unfortunately, Sooners win. BOOMER POOPER 40, OKLAHOMA ST. 36

No conference wins, no Scam Newton, no big wins, an NCAA investigation looming and Alabama on the schedule – poor Gene Chizik. The only way this one is close is if someone pulls a reverse Harvey Updyke and poisons Alabama’s first, second and third strings. Even then it might not be enough. Ole Gene coins his last phrase before he heads out the door, however…”Turn out the lights, the party’s over.” BAMMER 40, AUBURN 7

Both teams have great defenses. Only one has a pulse on offense. This one, folks, might not be close. However, little Bimbo Fisher still coaches FSU and he will find a way to keep Florida in the game. The more talented team wins…FSU 24, FLORIDA 10

If this were the junior USC, I would be worried about the Catholics getting lost in Columbia’s ghetto. Fortunately, this one is at the REAL USC and feature palm trees and beautiful girls and sunshine aplenty. Southern Cal has a coach that left Tennessee on probation, a dad that has Steele’s Syndrome (must give up 70!) and a quarterback out of the game. The Irish have luck and a kid from the Palmetto St. at quarterback. IRISH 30, KIFFINS 23

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