Pigskin Prophet - Week 5

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Ok, you have to admit it - that was a fun week last week. If you are a Clemson fan and watched from home, you went from the high of watching Georgia Tech head coach Paul Johnson blow yet another game to the low of watching Clemson lose a lead in primetime.

This week, it gets a lot better as more and more of the real dud games go away and we see more of the matchups that we really want to see, like Toledo at Western Michigan and Stony Brook at Army.

Last week, I think I went 8-1 straight up with my picks, which is pretty good as long as you don’t pay attention to things like facts and point spreads. Heck, if a local radio host had that kind of success, he wouldn’t have to block people on Twitter and constantly replay the one pick he did get right. Maybe, just maybe, I will teach him how I make picks. And how to say words with consonants in them. It’s one HUN-DRED, not wa hun-red. But I digress…

Before I get into the official picks [I can make good ones because I’m tall!!!] I do want to talk for just a minute about the NFL and the replacement officials that are out there. In case you haven’t seen them, these boys make Ron Cherry look like the best official I have ever seen. In fact, as I watched some games Sunday, I wondered aloud if maybe ACC officials are better than these guys. And then I sobered up and realized that would never be the case.

One thing I did learn from watching that Packers game Monday night is this…if you are holding your baby, and I come up and put my hand on it, it is now officially my baby. Now take it back. It stinks.

As for writing this week’s article, I really didn’t want to do it because my shoulder hurt. But Coach Spurrier told me I HAD to write it or I didn’t get my fifth place ring at the end of the year. So here goes...and remember - don't take any of this too serious. It's all in fun.


HAWAII AT BRIGHAM YOUNG – This matchup features those Rainbow guys against the Mormons. There is an interesting side note to this game – if BYU wins, they get to send the entire football team to Hawaii for one of their missions at the end of the year. If Hawaii wins, they get to take extra wives home with them. Advantage Hawaii, right? And BYU – their poor kicker got like 19 chances to beat Utah recently, and he missed all 19. As a result, he has to go on a mission to Jersey Shore and try and convert Snookie or Snooki or Pooki or whatever her name is. Mormons win…..MORMONS 40, GRASS SKIRTS 13

CINCINNATI AT VIRGINIA TECH – The Logan Thomas Heisman Trophy campaign chugs right along this week as the Hokies host the Bearcats. Virginia Tech hasn’t looked very impressive so far this season, but ESPN’s Heather Dinich told us last week that we should take it easy on Logan Thomas [he’s so tall!!!] because the NFL scouts just LOVE his completion percentage (13 percent) and touchdown to interception ratio (3-42) and his height (he is now listed as 8 foot, 3 inches). The Hokies get this one at home, and it won’t be easy because the Bearcats throttled the same Pitt team that choked out the Hokies. In fact, this one is close late because a Hokie fan throws one of those ginormous turkey legs at Thomas in frustration. Thomas picks it up, tries to throw it back into the stands but is intercepted by a Cincinnati player, who returns the turkey leg for a touchdown. In the meantime, Thomas and the offense take the real football and with no defenders standing in front of them, score in 13 plays to win the game. TURKEY LEGS 26, BEARCATS 23

MIDDLE TENNESSEE AT GEORGIA TECH – This game features some bad news for Buffalo Bills fans, simply because Paul Johnson has now realized that he can’t with his own players, and is trying to bring Chan Gailey back to Atlanta to recruit for him. After all, he won all those games early in his career with Gailey’s players, and since they’ve graduated, his record is something like 3-22 with two of those wins coming against Clemson. The rumor is that Gailey is perfectly content in Buffalo, however, as he tries to find ways to keep C.J. SpillerC.J. Spiller
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on the bench. For Johnson and the Bees, they get an easy game this week against Middle Tennessee, a team that might actually have more talent but doesn’t have that genius of a coach on the sideline..you know, the one that goes for it on fourth down in overtime instead of kicking the field goal. Yeah, that genius. His brilliance doesn’t matter as the Middle Tennessee St. players hear so much of that annoying “Gamblin Wreck” song by halftime that they all sneak out of the stadium. Despite not having any players, Middle Tennessee still scores 30 points on the Tech defense, but the Bees hold on……BEES 42, NOT THE BEES 30

ARKANSAS AT TEXAS A&M – I have seen some seasons turn into train wrecks in my time, but nothing like what has happened to John L. Smith and the Pigs from down Wal-Mart way. Arkansas got in trouble back in the spring when their head coach took a young lady he had “hired” for a ride on his own Hog (snicker, snicker, see what I did there?) and got in trouble with everybody but his wife, who likes how much money he makes and decided to stick around. Arky went out and hired some really old guy who was a good coach back in 1938 but can’t relate to today’s players. This week, he gets to take his team out of Wal-Mart and into the heart of Texas, where a suddenly speedy Texas A&M (they are now in the SEC, and TALL!!) team awaits. My advice to John L. is to go get that pig girl from the video and have her ride your Hog…you’ll still lose but you’ll never look at a pork sandwich the same way again….A&M 27, WAL-MART 14

DUKE AT WAKE FOREST – This game is interesting because..well, you see…see there is this…..yeah, I got nothing. ONE TEAM 28, ONE TEAM 27

TENNESSEE AT GEORGIA – Derek Dooley takes his band of volunteer firefighters (or something like that) to Sparta for this matchup of SEC foes. King Leonidas turns back the angry firemen with just 300 bulldogs (EDITOR’S NOTE: The prophet obviously has Sparta mixed up with Athens, but he’s special, so we’ll see where this goes) in a fight Between the Bushes. The best thing about this contest is when Georgia’s legendary broadcaster, Coach Don Munson, tells the 300 to “hunker down, boys, hunker down” when the game gets tight late. The turning point comes when the Georgia mascot, a bulldog named UGLY 19 or something like that, bites a firefighter on the leg, causing a rabies scare (John L. Smith might have to get a rabies shot as well if he goes with pig girl). BULLDAWGS 37, VOLUNTEER NAVY 20

CLEMSON AT BOSTON COLLEGE – The good news for Clemson this week is that the game against Boston College isn’t in the state of Florida and it isn’t on prime-time national television. However, Boston College head coach Tom Selleck does have warm bodies on his offense, and Clemson’s defense last week was kinda like that girl your mother didn’t want you to date in high school – you know, the one that made sure everybody scored. I am certain that the 13 Boston College fans in attendance will help their team keep this one close for a half, but Clemson’s talent on offense wins out in the end…TIGERS 45, EAGLETS 33

IDAHO AT NORTH CAROLINA – The Potatoes head down to Chapel Hill to earn their degree in AFAM and try and win a football game in the process. UNC has been hot and cold so far this season in The Hat’s first year as a Belly, and he tries to get his team back on track with a win over Idaho before getting back into ACC play. The University of North Carolina has a rally planned for Friday night on Franklin St. to try and rally around their players, and a special surprise is that Tyler Hansbrough’s mom – who now needs money – will be dancing for tips at John Swofford’s party that night. Referee Ron Cherry, who rents a room from Swofford at a reduced rate, almost gets arrested for giving Hansbrough’s mom “da bidness” but still makes it to the game the game the next day. North Carolina’s talent – and dignity – win out. HEELS 44, IDAHO 20

UTSA AT NEW MEXICO ST. – Wait..WHO???? Lol..I will probably become a writer for UTSA one day, karma’s retribution for making fun of them for so long.

SOUTH CAROLINA AT KENTUCKY – The Gamecocks’ march to the Super Bowl with their 22 Heisman candidates continues this week in Kentucky, the land of thoroughbreds and mint juleps. South Carolina head coach Steve Spurrier’s toughest job so far this season has been making sure that the Richland County Detention Center work release program has his players released in time for the games. South Carolina has a perfect record, beating SCSDB (look it up), Sister Sadie Mae Dinkins and the Pickens First Baptist Church Ladies Bible Class, Sunnyside Day Care and 11 mannequins donated by the Salvation Army (the mannequins did manage to fall on Connor Shaw and break his shoulder, however). Listen to Gamecock fans, and they will tell you that THEIR strength of schedule so far is No. 1 in the country, and they could win the NFC West. The sad truth is that teams like Vanderbilt, Kentucky and Missouri are less talented than the mannequins….RICHLAND COUNTY DETENTION CENTER 41, JOKER-DON’T-FIRE-ME-YET-PHILLIPS 13

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