Pigskin Prophet - Week 3

by Pigskin Prophet - Contributor - Thu Sep 12 15:23:41 GMT-04:00 2013

ISLAND OF MISFIT WRITERS – The Pigskin Prophet has been benched by the Ol’ Ball Coach. Sort of.

In case you missed it, South Carolina head coach Steve Spurrier whined and complained his way to having Ron Morris – a fine columnist for The State newspaper in Columbia – removed from covering his football team. Morris, who has been critical of Spurrier in the past, had to sign a written agreement that he wouldn’t write or even talk about the Gamecocks to anyone, including his family or people on the street.

In case you missed the story – it’s a true story – here is a link. http://www.sportingnews.com/ncaa-football/story/2013-09-11/steve-spurrier-ron-morris-the-state-south-carolina-football-off-the-beat

Well, the Pigskin Prophet also poked fun of Spurrier a few weeks ago, and I have now been removed from the state entirely, and Morris and I are working side-by-side on the Island of Misfit Writers. Spurrier got to Crump and told him he wouldn’t give him anymore “Spurrier takes a jab at Dabo” updates and Crump crumbled under the pressure.

I guess you can do that and you have that kind of influence when you win multiple SEC Championships with the Gamecocks (snicker snicker).

Anyway, the picks must go on. And remember, it’s all in fun.

THURSDAY

NO. 24 TCU AT TEXAS TECH

The Horny Toads (look It up, that’s what we call them in Texas, and they are neither a toad nor a frog but a lizard) take the trip to Lubbock for a Thursday night. Actually, college football is the only way you can get people to go to Lubbock, which is kind of like Columbia, only with more cactus. The last time the Horny Toads played in Lubbock, Mike Leach and company put up a 70-35 whipping on them. This one turns out different with no pirates on hand. HORNY TOADS 33, KINGSBURYS 30.

FRIDAY

AIR FORCE AT BOISE ST.

The Blue Broncos got hammered in week one, but responded against somebody called Tennessee-Martin last week. This week, the Falcons fly up from Colorado Springs, and are immediately blinded by the blue turf. This one won’t be close, but does anyone else wonder if Chris Petersen sits back and thinks maybe he should have gotten out while he was a hot commodity? BLUE TURF 40, AIR FORCE 17

NO. 7 LOUISVILLE AT KENTUCKY

Louisville begins its march to the National Championship with yet another tough game on the schedule – the Kentucky Wildcats, yet another team that adds to the aura (snicker snicker) of the SEC. However, to be honest, Kentucky is one of the best teams that Louisville will play this season – next week is Boy Scout Troop 12, and then that is followed by the Brownies of Lexington. LOUISVILLE 35, KENTUCKY 23.

GEORGIA ST. AT WEST VIRGINIA

Hey Neers, still glad for that move to the Big 12? Is sending your varsity girls couch burning program to Manhattan, KS, gonna pay off for ya? The good news for The Mullett is that Georgia St. is not a program that will give them any trouble. Heck, they might even score 70. In jubilation, 16 sets of cousins get married, and rename their children Dana. COUCHES 60, GEORGIA ST. 10

VIRGINIA TECH AT EAST CAROLINA

If there is one thing we know about the Hokies after last week’s win over Western Carolina, it’s that Logan Thomas is still tall and that Frank Beamer’s squad could win the Southern Conference. Other than that, it’s a tossup on what we know. The Hokies get Eastern Carolina this week to finish their directional school part of the schedule, and then get Marshall next week. Thomas averages six completions per game, Heather Dinich faints and Thomas jumps Jadeveon Clowney on the Heisman watch list. HOKIES 30, EAST CAROLINA 23

BOSTON COLLEGE AT USC

Poor Lane Kiffin. First of all, his dad is Monte Kiffin, and if that isn’t bad enough, nobody likes him. Not even his own players. Maybe not even his hot wife. There have been rumors that he wrecked a rental car and left the scene of an accident, had liaisons with co-eds at Tennessee, had a player switch jerseys during the middle of a 50-6 romp over Colorado and then threw a team manager under the bus for ball deflation last season. And that’s the good stuff he has done. Boston College might be a little better than people think, but it won’t be enough to beat the ball deflaters, which is a shame. DEFLATERS 28, CATHOLICS 14

NO. 1 ALABAMA AT NO. 6 TEXAS A&M

This is the revenge game we’ve all been waiting for. Nick Saban is sure to be smarting after letting little Johnny spank the Tide in Tuscaloosa last season, and little Johnny responded by having a classy off-season, spending it feeding the poor in third world countries and delivering babies on some island nation (snicker snicker). Saban has the Tide marching to another title, and they’ve already faced one dynamic and playmaking quarterback in Logan Thomas (snicker snicker), so they might not have the trouble people think with little Johnny. In fact, the guess here is that Johnny can text LeBron and have Jay-Z in the locker room and even an awkward Marshall Mathers on the sidelines, and it won’t matter…he finally gets the spanking the spoiled brat deserves. BAMMER 30, TEXAS A&M 23.

NEVADA AT NO. 10 FLORIDA ST.

The only way Nevada wins this game is if Colin Kaepernick comes back and brings the rest of the San Francisco offense with him. Little Jimbo Fisher continues Florida St.’s strong out of conference schedule with Bethune-Cookman next week, and the entire country admits that for the 23rd year in a row, FSU is back. Of course, with Jameis Winston, they may actually be back. The kid had a fantastic game against a bunch of slow white guys up at Pitt, and Heather Dinich fainted. She may faint again this week. FSU 50, NEVADA 14.

TENNESSEE AT NO. 2 OREGON

Take heart Oregon fans – you are no longer with the wine and cheese crowd at VAH-GINN-YA and can actually enjoy your tailgating and pregame festivities unlike last week. In case you missed, VAH-GINN-YA fans got mad at Oregon fans for throwing the football at a pre-game tailgate. True story. Heather Dinich reported it, right before she fainted when a tall student threw an interception (he is third on her Heisman list this week). This week, however, the Ducks won’t have too much trouble with Tennessee fans or the Vols, and the footballs will be flying fast and furious before, during and after the game as Oregon takes out the SEC. OREGON 55, TENNEESSE 23.

LAMAR AT NO. 12 OKLAHOMA ST.

WHO????? Lamar? I don’t know who Lamar is, and why he is playing an entire team, but the Cowboys might be in more trouble than even T. Daniel Boone can get them out of. Of course, you look at what happened at UNC with academic fraud, and they were punished by actually having to go to class. In this case, Daniel Boone buys out their punishment, and there are no worries in Cowboy land. SEX, DRUGS AND DANIEL BOONE 56, LAMAR 10

VANDERBILT AT SOUTH CAROLINA

This one will feature body blows, jabs and uppercuts. It will be a brawl. A fight of epic proportions. And that is just South Carolina’s coaches in the locker room and on the sidelines. In the actual game, James Franklin has actually assembled a pretty good little football team, and if they can push the tempo they could hang in for a little while. South Carolina looks to protect their Heisman candidate, and he plays just one out of every seven snaps. His shoestring tackle on a Vanderbilt running back late in the third quarter (his ninth actual play of the game) makes everybody’s top ten plays, defensive coordinator Lorenzo Ward is kissed by Spurrier in a “look how we get along” gesture and South Carolina wins. SOUTH CAROLINA 31, VANDERBILT 20.