Pigskin Prophet - Week 12

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Well, folks, this might indeed be my last column for this Clemson website.

As everyone knows, I have been struggling to find consistent work, and even though the Marcus Lattimore-inspired candles gig seemed like it would work out, a lot of people found out he wasn’t actually dead and candle sales dropped off.

However, I was contacted by Texas Tech and Ole Miss last week. I went for an interview at Texas Tech to see if I could help out there, but their head coach slapped me across the face instead of shaking my hand when he first met me, so Texas Tech is out. Just an FYI – he later told people he was brushing lint off my shoulder, but I know the difference.

Then Ole Miss contacted me, and that looks like a pretty good gig – they promised my girlfriend a job in their hospital as a nurse making $50,000 a year. No, she isn’t a nurse, but she did stay at a Holiday Inn on the trip and she did put a band-aid on my finger when I cut myself a couple of weeks ago. According to them, that is enough.

Not only that – my best friend is thinking about going to Ole Miss, so I have to go. Right?

But you don’t wanna hear that – let’s get to the picks. And remember, it’s all in fun.



So UNC has a shot at the Coastal Division title, right? No, they are on probation cause they cheated. But they can go to a bowl game, right? No, they are on probation cause they cheated. However, that doesn’t mean I am going to take my AFAM degree from UNC off my wall, because it will help me get that job at Ole Miss. The UNC defense leaves their own AFAM classes in time to help out….UNC 34, VIRGINIA 30


Florida St. was the recipient of the gift that keeps on giving last week – yes I am looking at you Logan Thomas. This week, they get Maryland, the school that is starting one of the cheerleaders at quarterback, and she propels herself into first round NFL draft consideration by having a better week than Logan Thomas. And Maryland, they still lose big to Free Shoes University. FSU 52, MARYLAND 10


No word on whether Harvey Updyke has snuck across the border into Texas and tried to poison any of the trees around Texas A&M, and he can take a breather this week as the Tide plays yet another overmatched opponent. Western Carolina is a nice little Southern Conference team, but they don’t have Johnny Manziel…aka Johnny Football….throwing footballs around and giving Nick Saban an aneurysm. The Tide Rolls as Saban takes out his frustrations on the Catamounts. ALABAMA 56, WESTERN CAROLINA 6


Another product of the SEC hype machine bites the dust. Miss. St. vaulted into the Top 25 after wins over such college football icons as Jackson St., Troy, South Alabama and Middle Tennessee. By virtue of those convincing wins and the fact that ESPN loved them, they were deemed a contender. Not so fast, my friend. They are bad. And so is Arkansas. This one will be brutal to watch, and might get so bad that the Pig Girl sings both of them a song by halftime. Wal Mart doesn’t have enough in the tank to beat Miss St., however, and Pig Girl seeks professional help. OVERRATED MISS. ST. 27, ARKANSAS 21


Let’s face it…Clemson has one job on Saturday and one job only. Stop Mike Glennon? Nope. Keep the Wolfpack defense away from quarterback Tajh BoydTajh Boyd
RS Jr. Quarterback
#10 6-1, 225
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? Nope. Clemson has to – and I mean this – has to keep this guy from pole dancing in Death Valley.

I understand that N.C. State fans might like their pole dancers a little hefty, but I am not sure that Clemson has any poles that will support this dude. Keep him off the poles, and the rest will take care of itself. After the game, Tom O’Brien shows a ton of emotion and almost frowns. CLEMSON 48, NC STATE 24


The good news for Boston College fans is that the season is almost over, and they don’t have to act like they care anymore. The fans up in Bahston care more about pahking the cahh in front of the new Bahston Gahden or watching what happens with the Red Sahx and Patriots. However, they can send Tom Selleck out on a high note because they play Virginia Tech this week, which has Santa Clause (aka Logan Thomas, the gift that keeps on giving) at quarterback. Maybe, just maybe, Santa Clause (he is so tall!!!) finds a way to help his team this week. SANTA CLAUSE 30, TOM SELLECK 20


Ahhh, another member of the SEC hype machine, a team that celebrated like they won the Super Bowl after having to win at the last second against a Sun Belt team last week. This week, Florida’s really bad offense won’t wait that long to put this game away….they throw a touchdown pass with TWO minutes remaining to eek out the win and keep their BCS hopes alive. GATORS 10, JAX ST. 9


Don’t laugh, but the Terriers might just give South Carolina a tussle this week. Granted, the Gamecocks have played a tough schedule, with the likes of Kentucky and Arkansas and Tennessee, and they need a breather. However, someone might need to point out to Jadeveon Clowney that Wofford doesn’t throw the ball, so he might not have a lot to do on Saturday. The yard birds still have a lot to play for – they get 5th place championship rings down there – and head coach Steve Spurrier needs to tell his players that all of their goals are still attainable, except for the national championship, the SEC championship, the SEC East championship and maybe even a BCS bowl. Other than that, though, they still have things to achieve. Wofford holds onto the ball and uses their experience (they have players old enough to vote, Steve) to keep it close for a little while. And Connor Shaw, who has more in common with Logan Thomas than he realizes, might get the jerseys confused. But superior talent wins out. SCAR 40, WOFFORD 17


The SEC continues to play strong out of conference opponents this week as Georgia plays the Eagles, another Southern Conference foe. But let’s be honest, these SoCon schools are better than Missouri and Tennessee and Arky and Kentucky, right? (snicker, snicker). GEORGIA 50, SOUTH GEORGIA MILITARY CORRECTIONAL COLLEGE 16


Gene Chizik almost had a stoke when he saw that his opponent this week had “A&M” in the name. Then he remembered that Johnny Football has already torched him for 63 points this season. Chizik, however, understands that A&M is no pushover, and he begins to get to the idea that Scam Newton is now sulking in the NFL and won’t be coming back to save the day. With that in mind, he hatches his most ingenious plan to date….he doesn’t come up with a slogan for the week and instead has Newton steal the laptops of the A&M coaches. It works. AUBURN 42, ALABAMA SOUTHEASTERN DIRECTIONAL MIDWESTERN TECHNICAL COLLEGE 12


This is just one of the big games on the West coast this weekends, and congrats to the Pac-12 for actually scheduling games that matter this late in the season (yeah, I’m talking smack at you SEC peeps). Lane Kiffin’s team has underperformed this year, and it must be hard trying to keep his dad Monte employed at age 113 while trying to keep himself employed. He knows the Trojans are on the verge of becoming an also-ran in the Pac-12 behind Oregon, and this week he pulls out all the stops – he has the ball boys keep the game balls inflated. SOUTHERN CAL 34, UCLA 31


Ole Miss knows they can’t win this game, but they are building for the future as Ole Miss head coach Hugh Frozen and his staff meet with Tyrann Mathieu before the game and promise his family jobs in the admissions department at Ole Miss if he will just sign on. The news gets old Les Miles fired up, and he demands that his players throw a beat down on Ole Miss. In turn, his players ask that Miles actually put someone who knows how to manage the clock in a tight game in charge of timeouts, so Miles puts a 7-year old girl in charge (no, not Gene Chizik). She does a masterful job and LSU wins, and then she transfers to Ole Miss where she is now chief of surgery at the medical center. LSU 37, OLE MISS 17


WHO???? UTSA, that’s who. They beat the frozen potatoes into the ground and actually get a pick this week, because the SEC sure as heck isn’t playing one. UTSA 34, IDAHO 27


Is this one for the Coastal Division championship???? HAHAHAHAHA!!! I just don’t even care.


Hey look!!! Kentucky might win a game and save the reputation of the SEC!!! Has basketball season started yet? SAMFORD 14, CAINTUCKY 13

Pigskin Prophet - Week 11

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