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Military Pron - The French Foreign Legion (2 of 2)

Oct 15, 2023, 5:56 PM

Last time we saw the birth of the French Foreign Legion by Royal Decree in 1831. The same year the electric doorbell was invented.

It was an effort to clear all le miserable ex-soldiers from the streets of France during revolution he77.

And we followed the Legion from Algeria to Spain to Algeria to Mexico and back to Algeria. They were famous for moving about at the King’s whim, and it seemed they would never stop.

We ended with the famous Axe-Murderer Brigade, a unit exclusively manned by serial-killers and criminals who had murdered their family and friends with axes.

No, not really. I lied about that. They’re actually Pioneers, the ceremonial version of the most elite members of the old Legion. And they are at the front of the Legion in every parade.

Back when folks had to storm walls, someone had to go in front, without a gun, to clear all the obstacles and assorted shid out of the way. That was the Pioneers. They wore leather gloves and aprons to protect them from flying wood chips…while they were being shot at.

Abatis

Storming the Abatis

Because the Pioneers were usually in front of the front line, their death rate was incredibly high. So they were allowed to wear beards to show they had cheated death. That is, that they had lived long enough to be able to even grow a beard without dying first.

Other members of the Legion can, with permission, grow mustaches.

But only Pioneers get the honor of beards.

Back in the desert, the Legion continued marching and fighting the local tribesmen of North Africa through the 1860’s.

But then, Prussia invaded France. And for the first time in its history the Legion was called on to protect France itself. The law was suspended to allow it to do so.

Looks shopped

In 1870 Prussia did a fullback blast right up the gut through Metz and Sedan and besieged Paris.

Germans in black, French in Red

And the Legion was there. So while the American South was undergoing Reconstruction,

the French Foreign Legion was saving Paris from jack-booted Prussians.

Paris wasn’t captured but the French did surrender. And the Prime Minister of Prussia, Otto von Bismark, used the victory to declare a new Empire in Europe.

Since the Holy Roman Empire was the first German Empire, or German “Reich”, this one was called the Second Reich. It was anyone’s guess if there would be a third empire someday.

Otto Von Bismark; politician, statesman, Prime Minister, founder of a German Empire.

William I, aka “Goldilocks”, former King of Prussia, and the new Emperor of Greater Germany.

With peace returning to Europe, the Legion went home to Algeria again. But with the 1880’s came the age of colonialism, and the Legion was called to go the road, again.

First it was off to Indochina and the new French colony there, under the famous orders: “Legionnaires, your orders are to die, and I am sending you to die!” - General François de Négrier, 1883

The French do have a nasty reputation for harshness and cruelty.

Then it was off to Sudan, and Madagascar, and even to West Africa.

Mandingo?

Maybe it was all that exotic travel, or a chance at forbidden love, but this was the start of the Golden Age of the Legion. People wrote books and magazine articles about it.

And it became as famous for the outlandish backgrounds of its members as for its fighting abilities. The Legion was said to be full of “kings who had lost their thrones, bishops who had lost their miters, and generals who had lost their stars.”

“A king in the Foreign Legion? That sounds too fantastic to be true!” “Mmm. Quite.”

All of the greatest, most accomplished people in the world somehow, anonymously, made their way into the ranks of the French Foreign Legion.

NO! It’s bullsh eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee t!

screech

Sure, there were probably only a few real kings, bishops, and generals who actually served in the Legion, but people loved the mystique. It’s a man thing.

These aren’t stories for women, they’re

Exclusively for the hardened

And the virile, young, bucking

They were horrible, yet, delicious, tales.

Was it good for you, too?

During World War I, the Legion was called on again to defend France itself and participated in all the famous big battles; the Somme, Verdun, and at the Marne with the doughboys.

In WW2 the Legion again served in France and all over the Mediterranean. They even fought at the top of the world in Narvik, Norway? Who knew?

After WW2 it was back to Indochina and disaster at Dien Bien Phu.

In the middle of the jungle you need an airstrip.

And an airstrip needs flat land.

But not flat land surrounded by mountains, and Vietnamese artillery.

We have the Iwo Jima flag raising, and the Vietnamese have the Dien Bien Phu flag raising.

More recently, wherever there is war in the world, the Legion is usually there; in Africa, in the Gulf, in Afghanistan, and in Iraq.

The French Foreign Legion guarding the coalition left flank. All alone out in the desert, of course.

So that’s the brief history of the globe-trotting French Foreign Legion. But now for the information every Lunger has been waiting for: “How do I get in?”

Here’s a half dozen things you might want to know before you ditch your current life for adventure in the Legion.

Question 1: Do they have any standards?

A 1: Yes. And they’re quite selective too. Only about 15% of applicants make the cut. There is an IQ test, but you don’t even need to know how to speak French. Grunts and rudimentary gestures will suffice. You can apply for French citizenship after your five-year stint, and you are expected to be and stay in top physical condition for your entire enlistment.

Question 2: Do I have to wear clothes?

A 2: Yes, they do have a uniform. Originally it was only specified to be blue with yellow buttons. The yellow buttons remain to this day, but the uniform has gone through many, many changes through the years. That could be a whole other post all by itself.

Question 3: Does my criminal record matter? Is it ok if I’m a desperate renegade?

A 3: You’re probably fine if you are a wandering desperado. A certain amount of violent passion from unbridled lust is expected from any legionnaire. And although the Legion does check with Interpol, as long as you fall through the cracks you should be Ok.

Question 4: If I need to express my feminine side, or have girlfriends on the side, are women allowed in the Legion?

A 4: Sadly, no. No women of any kind are allowed in the Legion. Only one woman has ever been in the Legion, and she was the private secretary and chauffeur of a Legion big-wig in WW2. Kind of like Kay Summersby and Ike.

Ike and Kay conducting business

Foreign Legion General Marie Koenig and Susan Travers conducting business. The only woman in the legionnaire, ever.

Question 5: Will the Legion take care of my sexual needs? Particularly on those warm desert nights when I’m all alone?

A 5: The Legion also provides a variety of viewing material to keep legionnaires minds off carnal endeavors.

The Legion is exclusively male, but helpful mannequins are available on a first come, first serve basis.

Alternatively, one can always reach out to others. Several of your fellow legionnaires might be willing to take you in, but it will depend on how many of them you are comfortable with in the end. Ultimately, you may find you’ll have to take your love matters into your own hands.

Question 6: Can I drink in the Legion?

A 6: Drink? He77, they make their own wine. Does that answer your question?

“The wines are served on special occasions, including the famous “cohesion meals.” Ninety percent of the approximately 9,000 legionnaires are foreign nationals from 140 different countries. But despite the legend of the drunken legionnaire in action, “On the field, you never drink. If you are drunk, you can get killed. And no man wants to be killed.”

So, is there anything else I need to know?

Well, it wouldn’t hurt to know that their emblem is a flaming hand grenade, the kind used by grenadiers in the old days. Their chosen colors are red and green, though no one remembers why.

Their mottos are “Honor and Fidelity.” “Valor and Discipline,” and “The Legion is our home.”

Officers wear black kepis, everyone else wears white. The French Army assigned all units an identification sash; theirs ended up being dark blue. And, they are the only unit in the French Army to iron creases in their shirts.

Put all that together and it looks like this.

Despite their history as fast marchers, they actually only march at 88 steps a minute, while every other unit in the French military marches at 120 steps a minute. Because of this, they are always last in any parade. And finally, their unit magazine is called Kepi Blanc (White Kepi), and every year there is a “Miss Kepi Blanc.”

Is that it?

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Best if the dialogue is read in a cheesy Looney Tunes accent

A young lieutenant arrived at his first posting far out in the desert.

After the first few weeks he asked his first sergeant, "Tell me, have you been here a long time?"
The sergeant replied, "Yes sir, almost 3 years now."
The LT leaned over and quietly asked, "And what do you do for womanly companionship out here sergeant?"
He answered "I try to wait until I go on leave but for those times when I can't wait, there is always the camel sir."
"Oh no! (or Mon dieu or some other French ###########) I would never resort to that."

Time passes and the young man's libido burns hotter and hotter until one night he slips into the stable and approaches the camel. Every time he gets close the camel tries to kick and bite him so he goes away.

Night after night he keeps thinking about needing release and that camel in the stable.

Finally, he swears the first sergeant to secrecy and asks him to help him with the camel.
"Hold it's head while I mount the camel sergeant."
The sergeant does as he is told and the lieutenant drops trow and goes to town on the camel.
Finishing in glorious fashion, the lieutenant pulls up his pants and says "Thank you sergeant, that was much more satisfying than I expected."

The first sergeant replies "That was most impressive sir. We usually just ride the camel over the dunes to the brothel in the next village."

I can't believe I took the time to type that all out.
Bored on this gray day I guess.

Military Pron - The French Foreign Legion (2 of 2)

Bravo. Jadore le Legion etrangere!***

Favorite Foreign Legion Joke

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Re: Favorite Foreign Legion Joke

Re: Military Pron - The French Foreign Legion (2 of 2)

Bravo, many thanks!

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