I done put my thankin' cap on and this here's what I thank.

Sep 22, 2016, 10:43 AM

I thank Coach Paul Johnson wears a gummy bears onesie and sleeps in the basement of the female freshman dorm at Georgia Tech. I thank he gives out a high pitched giggle and talks to an oversized stuffed teddy bear named Francis every time he hears the sound of footsteps shimmy across the rickety old floors above. I thank he has a brass floor lamp and reads nineteenth century children's books that are stained light brown from decades of urine they've been soaking in when he falls asleep before he's finished and the book just lies there on the bed. I thank his pillowcase is filled with discarded fun sized snickers wrappers, with not a feather in sight. I thank he has an oversized bucket that is filled with Ghostbusters Ecto Cooler Hi-C juice boxes and when all the others are asleep, he tip toes up the stairs and down the hall to the ice machine like a commando crawling through the jungle in search of the Viet Cong. I thank he eats nothing but said fun sized snickers, ramen noodles and hot pockets that he cooks in an old smelly microwave that was left by some kid who unfortunately never made it past the first semester as an Engineering major. I thank he has a tie, but it's a clip on. I thank it's navy blue and has green snails on it. I thank he wears it when he showers, but only when he showers, and it's all he wears when he showers. I thank he clips that tie onto the turkey wattle that hangs loosely under his jaw and it waves like the checkered flag at a nascar race every time a reporter from Fox Sports South tries to ask him a question about his struggling offense as he's heading in for a halftime snack. I thank Coach Paul Johnson takes bubblebaths. I thank when he's finished with said bubblebath, he doen't use a towel to dry off. I thank he uses all the unfilled pages of what was supposed to be his annual offensive play book. And there's lots of them. I thank Coach Paul Johnson secretly thanks he was born to be a dragon. I thank as all those nice young ladies are sleeping just a few floors above, he's staggering around the basemenet boiler room, still nude from his bubblebath, with his arms perched into the air like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. I thank he makes funny faces with his eyebrows lowered and snarls as if he's shooting scalding fire from his mouth at the spirits of legendary ACC coaches who he truly believes live as ghosts in said Boiler Room. I thank when he's exhausted from said boiler room shennanigans, he retreats back to his dorm dungeon and digs into the bottom of his oversized, Hi-C filled ice bucket where he hides his Flinstones Push pops. I thank he has one every night, sometimes two. I also thank that after two or three licks he starts to rub said Fred Flintstone push pop in inappropriate places and whispers "Barney Rubble's in a whole heap of trouble, Fred Flintstone.". I know it's awkward to thank about, but it's just what I thank. I thank Coach Paul Johnson wears ear muffs when it's raining. I thank he does that so he won't hear the sound of running water and accidentally soil himself. I thank when all the kids move back home to mom and dad's house for the summer, well I thank Coach Paul Johnson sleeps each night in a different dorm room. I thank he talks to himself and his teddy bear, Francis, and I thank he calls himself a different name each night. I thank he plays dress up with clothes that weren't claimed in the dorm's lost & found. I thank he violently hugs ole Francis, with tears streaming down his cheek, and whispers that he wishes he could fit into that size 16 mini skirt. I thank he has an abundance of beauty care products that he's stolen from unassuming female dorm livers while they were in class over the years. I thank he applies blush, mascara and lipstick to himself and calls himself "Coach Ruby Valentine". I thank if he hadn't ripped Francis the bear's leg off in a fit of violent frustration after last year's 3 and 9 season, that bear would run like hail outta that dorm basement. I know this post has been a little unsettling, but these are just the thangs I thank.

Tigers roll....45-14.

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I done put my thankin' cap on and this here's what I thank.

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