I had a late night after running my illegal towing rig up and down I-75 looking for wrecks last week. I ran out of pickled sausage and cheese crackers, so I stopped by the Flying J for a steak dinner and a few more cases of Mountain Dew. Imagine my surprise when I was walking down the motor oil aisle and found who I believed to be Kirby Smart. Black UGA polo struggling to stay tucked into his khakis with a braided leather belt and brand new black Crocs. Dawg visor and everything. He was walking down the isle like a boss. He totally owned it. I knew it had to be him.
I immediately froze and could feel my palms start to sweat. My mind was racing? Do I tell him that I’m the guy that calls him Curvy Shart to all my friends? Do I ask him if Will Muschamp ever told him about the plays he drew up and drunk texted to Jeff Scott when he was head ball coach in Clumbyuh? Do I congratulate him for winning a National Championship and even tell him about how I was cited for disorderly conduct after Clemson won its third?
Honestly, what do you do if you ever come face to face with greatness in front of shelves stocked orderly with some of Americas greatest automotive achievements? I don’t know if it was because I was still a little dehydrated or if it was because my blood pressure was about to lead me to a visit of the CVS Minute Clinic, but I was positive that I was going to pass out.
I dropped to my knees just as he turned around to walk back towards me. The scene must have looked like one of those TikToks of people about to get mugged in NYC, but only potato chips and Red Bull in the background instead of political stuff. Turns out it wasn’t Kirby and just some dude.
The important part of this story is that we need to plan for the unexpected. If you haven’t thought about it, you probably should. What would you do if you ever met Kirby Smart?
When I was formulating these paragraphs entirely of my own wit and wherewithal, conceiving them ex nihilo and uninformed by any outside inputs whatsoever, I knew I could never be man enough to hold Kirby accountable for his rent checks bouncing while he sat eating Cheetos in a beanbag chair in my head.
I’m afraid to admit he’s rent-free in my head…because deep down I think I’m in love with him.
So is that a fair summary of what you wish I’d say?
"When I was young, I was sure of many things; now there are only two things of which I am sure: one is, that I am a miserable sinner; and the other, that Christ is an all-sufficient Saviour. He is well-taught who learns these two lessons." -John Newton