Re: Swofford weighs in...

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This is some hilarious #### right here!

May 23, 2012, 8:55 PM

So, yeah, John Swofford is panicking over the ACC's looming collapse.

Here are 12 signs that he's losing it.

1. Late at night he drunk dials the athletic directors at UConn and Rutgers, doesn't say anything while the athletic directors furiously stammer in to the phone, then he emits a single expletive, the one dealing with fornication, that lasts eight syllables.

Then he hangs up.
2. Three days ago he signed up on Warchant.com, where 95% of members want to join the Big 12, and has been furiously posting as "ACC4ever" ever since.

Sample post: "Your crazy Weinkeswingman16, nobody, nobody!, will ever forget Petter Warric."

3. He made Notre Dame a mixtape.

That was bad.

Worse?

It included a Youtube video where he sang along to Paula Abdul's "Opposites Attract."

Still worse?

He played the role of MC Skat Cat.

4. He recently sent an angry email about the ACC title game sucking to a fan that began, "Without the ACC title game, 467,321 charity tickets that no one used would not have been distributed at the local Boys and Girls club."

It slowly descended into a rant and ended with much less vim and vinegar:

"F----- Boston College!

Sincerely,

John Swofford"

5. He recently sent a bouquet of flowers to Deion Sanders with this note, "Congrats on your recent restraining order. ACC for life! Right?"

On the same day Bobby Bowden received a tomahawk candy cane with, "Yes, no, or maybe," boxes left empty for a reply.

Bowden immediately ate the candy cane.

Swofford has retained a team of Duke literary analysts to deconstruct the significance of the move.

6. Last week he texted former Big 12 commissioner Dan Beebe and asked, "Dan, what works better when your conference is disintegrating, bourbon or sleeping pills?"

Beebe replied, "Both."

7. Every time his phone rings with a Florida area code, he squeals, climbs under his desk, and sends it straight to voicemail.

This is a coping mechanism that is designed to keep him from getting concussed again.

Last year when Mike Slive called his office he jumped through a plate glass window in the ACC's Greensboro offices.

When he was awoken with smelling salts, he extended offers to Pitt and Syracuse.

When his concussion abated and he was told what he'd done, he said, "At least it wasn't Central Florida and East Carolina."

8. In the event he is not in jail, Swofford's retained double ACC alum John Edwards as plaintiff's counsel in his potential lawsuit against the Big 12.

What he doesn't know is that John Edwards has already been retained by the Big 12 as defense counsel.

When asked why, Edwards replied, "Y'all, they pay better."

9. Big Ten commissioner Jim Delany mailed him a copy of "Silence of the Lambs."

A shaken Swofford, attempting to discern Delany's message, immediately called him back.

"If I let you eat my left arm, will you not take Virginia and Maryland?"

10. Swofford had an ACC map drawn that included these teams: South Florida, Cincinnati, Louisville, UConn, and Rutgers.

He emailed it and asked ESPN what their television offer would be for this conference.

Ten minutes later, an ESPN exec wrote back their offer: "LOL."

11. Immediately thereafter, he sent another email, "No matter what happens, you're with me Raycomm, right?"

Raycomm has still not replied.

12. Swofford called West Virginia and said, "About last year when I said, you weren't good enough for the ACC, I was wrong."

Athletic director Oliver Luck said he would consider the offer. He then sent a Fed Ex response.

Swofford tore open the envelope.

Inside?

A 2012 Orange Bowl DVD.

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Swofford weighs in...

Re: Swofford weighs in...clueless

Many people are disappointed with Swoffie, w/ good reason.***

We don't care how shocked and disappointed you would be

This is some hilarious #### right here!

Re: Swofford weighs in...

9 Game Schedule Was Big Dumba s s

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