And South Carolina's next five head coaches ARE....

Nov 11, 2004, 6:36 PM

For the "Graveyard of Coaches" we take a brief glimpse into the crystal ball to find the proud University of South Carolina's next FIVE coaches and their eventual fates....

1) Steve Spurrier (2005-2006)... The ole Ballcoach lasts for almost two disheartening years. Following a 54-17 beatdown at the hands of the Tigers to end the 2005 season, Spurrier is quoted as saying, "Was Holtz even aware of the forward pass?? He didn't leave me one D#@& person on this team who could throw a football." Spurrier fired at the end of the following season when an errant visor toss accidentally cuts of the right hand of Mike McGoo.

2) Joe Paterno (2007-2008)... Gamecock fans rejoice at the announcement that USC has just signed its third consecutive coaching "legend" and clever fans invent the "Coaching Legend National Championship" to go with the annual "Recruiting National Championship". Paterno goes 5-17 over the course of two seasons before it is discovered that Paterno has actually been dead for three years and his body had been stuffed. Fans are further stunned to learn that Mike McGoo himself has actually been calling all the plays for the past two season. Both McGoo and Paterno's corpse are fired on the spot.

3) Ken Hatfield (2009)... Following Paterno-gate, USC is forced to hire a "B-list" legend, effectively ending their quest for another Coaching Legend National Championship. Hatfield says that USC will "fit my system perfectly b/c I've never had a good quarterback either." Hatfield is terminated later that season when it is discovered that he is using a psychic to communicate with Lou Holtz' ghost in an effort to call plays. (Holtz, sady, had passed away during Steve Spurrier's regime. He died of a heart attack watching the old Ballcoach try to throw on every play)

4) Nobody (2010)... Once again, USC is on the cutting edge of football strategy, as they announce that they will actually not hire a coach for football. Instead, they announce that the professors of their #1 ranked International Business program will lead the players in a series of "self-management" seminars. Unfortunately, this plan backfires when players on the team mistake these seminars for actual college classes and do not attend. The team goes 0-11 on the season and even worse, the International Business school loses its #1 ranking and falls out of the polls for the first time in 22 years.

5) Bobby Bowden (2011)... Yes, in the coaching coup of the century, USC lures legend Bobby Bowden away from FSU, reasoning that finally Clemson will go down b/c "we hired the man that taught Tommy everything he knowed!!" The season ends in controversy, however, after Clemson once again beats USC. In the post game press conference, Papa Bowden is quoted as saying, "Ya'll know when you accused me of letting Tommy win on purpose in 2003?? Well, you were right!! And guess what? I just let him win again on purpose." Following the press conference, I defeated USC president announces that Carolina has just signed on to become the latest member of the Southern Conference, where they expect to compete with Wofford and App State for the championship on a yearly basis.

So there you have it!! The next five coaches at the School Where Legends Go to Fizzle... presented free of charge for your entertainment. GOOOOOO TIGERS!!!!!!!!

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And South Carolina's next five head coaches ARE....

Re: And South Carolina's next five head coaches ARE....

What does it matter?

Your name fits you!!!*********

This is priceless!! Kudos in order and

Sometimes it's too easy, isn't it?***

Classic...***

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