Godzilla vs. Kong - Thoughts, recap and a review

Apr 2, 2021, 11:37 AM

There will obviously be spoilers in this post, so if you are really worried about having this very clear Oscar contender about a giant monkey and a giant lizard fighting each other spoiled, read no further.

You've been warned. Turn the #### back now.

But if you're good, let's go.

Watched this last night with some of the hood bros in the garage with someone who has HBO Max. so, you wanna know how wins?!?! Which big creature dies?! Neither of them. Predictably, the story takes a PC route so both monsters can bro hug it out. And if this is TL <img border=

">R, whatever.

-The movie starts with a sleepy Kong waking up on Skull Island and having his morning stroll. He meets up with some deaf little girl who has a Kong doll, and then after greeting her, he gets mad and throws a tree into the sky. It smashed into a VR roof. Kong is actually trapped in some Hunger Wars type of dome where they can study him and, apparently, protect him from Godzilla, according to lead female scientist and mom of deaf girl. Because Godzilla has monster sensing radar or something and wants every monster on the planet to be his #####.

-Meanwhile, Godzilla glasses some research facility in Florida. Some crazy conspiracy employee there survives and says on his Podcast or something that he had to have been provoked. Anyway, Godzilla winds up killing 8 people (just 8 ####### people in this whole giant plant) and the world freaks out, saying he's not our protector anymore or something. But they didn't freak out when he probably killed tens of thousands while beating up other monsters. They also try to stop Godzilla with fighter jets, which has failed about a dozen times before but you know, it'll probably work this time.

-The CEO of this company and his stereotyped as #### "cool Japanese sidekick" find some brilliant scientist and hire him to navigate to the center of the Earth because, well, they all believe in hollow Earth theory and believe there are monsters there and there are wormholes to take you there and somehow this will save us all from Godzilla. Brilliant scientist talks about losing his brother to his attempt. His bro was apparently turned inside out when gravity shifted. CEO says, nah, it's good, dude. We built this craft that looks like a jacked up Prius and it'll handle all that gravity. Scientist says the only way to pull this off is go visit female Kong woman and convince her to take Kong on a field trip.

-Scientist convinces Kong woman to take Kong on the trip in about five minutes, even though she built this giant research facility to protect him and she is super adamant that Kong can't leave. But when the bro who played Sgt. Colbert in Generation Kill bats his eyes at her, she's all in.

-Meanwhile, Eleven from Stranger Things links up with the conspiracy guy to investigate this corporation. She brings the fat little kid from Deadpool 2, who clearly has a hard-on for her but that story line doesn't get explored. He's just fat comedy relief. Together, they all break into the mega tech company with a screwdriver.

-Somehow, they have sedated Kong and chained him to a giant cargo ship. They have a whole U.S. Navy fleet to escort him. "Hello, Pentagon? Yeah, it's Kong woman. Listen, I gotta transport the giant ape. Need y'all to send over a carrier fleet. Need it tomorrow. Yep, taking the big guy to Antarctica because this really shady mega corporation wants him to go through wormholes for this really specious theory about hollow Earth. Yep, by tomorrow. Oh yeah, make sure there are brand new F-35s on that carrier."

-While on the ship, little deaf girl goes to see sedated, sad Kong. When her mother goes to retrieve her, we learn that Kong has gone all Koko the Gorilla on us and has picked up some remedial sign language. He can sign "home". Meanwhile, hot sassy chick from the corporation shows up on a chopper and says she has the baddest ### choppers and wormhole craft and they just need to do what the #### she says. Her neckline is well placed.

-Kong woman says Kong can't leave the bubble because Godzilla will find him. Wanna guess what happens when he leaves the bubble on a ship?

-So Godzilla shows up and wipes out all the Aegis cruisers with his tail. Have fun filing that report, Pentagon. Then he flips the ship Kong is chained to. The cargo ship does a couple of barrel rolls, winds up upside down, Kong gets freed, and the ####### ship rights itself and still functions. A cargo ship. But hot corporate chick gets wet.

-Kong ape leaps to the aircraft carrier. Godzilla climbs on top, and they have a platform battle. Kong has a mean right cross but Godzilla ##### slaps him with his T-Rex arm. Kong knocks the lizard in the water, so he slices the carrier in half with the atomic breath. Then he drags Kong underwater and tries to drown him. One of the few ships left fires depth charges and manages to get Godzilla to let Kong go. He climbs back on the cargo ship and vomits out water the way I do beer on St. Paddy's Day.

-Uh oh, but Godzilla is coming back. What are they gonna do? They're all screwed! But wait. Shut it all down, hollow earth scientist says. LOL wut, the captain asks. If you shut down all the power on all the ships, Godzilla will think he won.

Wait... wut. He can track giant monkey across the world with his monkey trackingdar, and the solution is to... turn off the power? That'll make him think he won? Godzilla literally watches them sail away with a grumpy face and he's all like, "Well, they shut off the power so that means I'm winner winner chicken dinner even though I can still see the monkey on the boat."

-Meanwhile, Eleven, Tin Foil Hat, and fat kid accidentally hop into a transport that goes through a wormhole and takes them very quickly from Florida to Hong Kong. Almost as easily as calling up a carrier fleet to escort you. Once they arrive, they explore the facility and find a giant kill pit. #### starts happening, doors open and, TA DA! Mechagodzilla is revealed! Yep, conspiracy dude was right. The company is evil and they've built Mechagodzilla to rule the world. Mecha then slices a big creature from Skull Island in half with his laser breath. Eleven and Co. discover that slick Tokyo drift guy is controlling Mechagodzilla using the telepathic skull of a monster Godzilla killed. Seriously. They've converted it into a VR type of vessel.

-Kong gets to Antarctica, and now suddenly his ASL vocabulary has improved. Little girl tricks him into guiding them down a wormhole. They do and, yep, it's a whole new world down there. Scientist was right and can now sell his books. Kong kills two random flying monsters and drinks the blood out of the head of one in a really random power move. "Not sure W T F I just killed, but lemme drink his juice."

-They explore the world and Kong leads them to a massive temple structure with a throne and an axe made from a Godzilla back spike. The temple has statues of other Kongs. So, yep. Kong's ancestors were actually pretty good architects and statue builders, and they made weapons, and this Kong is just a big imbecile.

-Godzilla shows up in Hong Kong. He makes sure to wait to emerge until there's a massive bridge under him, then he splits that ######. Obviously, he's here to #### up the mega corporation. He pauses for a moment to breath his atomic breath straight down into the ground. This is a crucial plot point.

-Eleven and her crew are caught by security. Rather than call their parents, they take them straight to corrupt CEO. Evil CEO, rather than go, "W T F are high school kids doing here? Look, let's call your parents and send you home," he goes all Bond villain on them and explains his Mechagodzilla plan.

-Meanwhile, in Journey to the Center of the W T F, hot corporate chick reveals that she is evil CEO's daughter and they now own all the center of the Earth. When the scientists object, she has her minions point guns at everyone, including the little deaf girl! Seriously, how did that plan go down? Some guy spoke up and said, "Yo, I'll draw down on the little girl because I'm a bad ###.". But suddenly, some bat creatures attack and eat the guards. Hot corporate chick tries to escape with her troops in one of the flying Priuses, but they shoot some worthless missiles at Kong and he gets pissed and squashes their vessel. Bye, hot chick.

-Bat creatures are about to eat the good guys, but oh ####! Godzilla's atomic breath breaks through the crust and PRECISELY hits them in some major deus ex atomic breath machina. Because Godzilla knew exactly where to blast through thousands of miles below to entice Kong to come up to the surface. Kong grabs his new axe and says, "Let's go, #####." He jumps down the hole and falls back to Hong Kong.

-Godzilla and Kong engage in round 2 in the LED-lit buildings of Hong Kong. They battlin' up in the club. Lotta buildings crush, lotta axe blows, lotta atomic breath. Eventually, Kong knocks Godzilla the #### out.

-In the CEO Bond villain headquarters, while he's throwing back some bourbon on the rocks and explaining his plot, Mechagodzilla suddenly becomes self aware with the monster skull. It fries Tokyo drift, and then, as Eleven and her team watch, reaches into the CEO's headquarters and smashes him.

-Godzilla wakes up and goes in for another fight with Kong. Eventually, he triumphs, makes Kong dislocate his shoulder, and pins him to the ground. They roar in each other's face, but if you speak monster, it basically boils down to Godzilla saying, "You're my #####. Accept it." Then he walks away as a defeated Kong loses consciousness.

-But here comes Mechagodzilla! He lays into Godzilla in a crowded market area of Hong Kong because apparently these dumb mother ####### are still shopping despite the business district getting smashed a few miles away. Godzilla starts getting his ### kicked.

-Little deaf girl feels the ground and says Kong's heart is slowing down. Male scientist has an idea to turn one of the Priuses into a giant automated external defibrillator. Yeah. Really. So, they shock Kong in the chest, wake him up, and he has a full conversation with little deaf girl. She tells him Godzilla isn't his enemy and he should help him. Wait... wut. You could speak full conversations with this ####### monkey the whole time and you didn't share that with us back on Skull Island? As Adam Sandler once said, information that I could have used yesterday!

-Before fighting, Kong knocks his shoulder back into place like Martin ####### Riggs in Lethal Weapon. Kong then grabs the axe and joins in the fight. He and Godzilla start to beat Mecha's ###, but eventually Mecha starts to beat them back. Eleven and her crew figure out that they can shut down the satellite link and weaken Mecha if they can just hack the password. But eventually fat kid just pours bourbon on the controls and that does it.

-With Mecha weakened, Godzilla charges the axe with his breath and Kong goes Obi-Wan to Mecha's Anakin. All the limbs are cut off and evil corporate power is destroyed.

-All the people start hugging but then Godzilla screams and they all worry there's about to be another fight. The two monsters stare at each other for a moment, then Kong drops the axe. The two bro handshake and then bro hug it out, knocking down a few more buildings and killing a few thousand more. Nah, just kidding. They just roar for a moment, then kinda have an awkward goodbye, and Godzilla swims away.

-The movie ends with Kong in Middle Earth and the scientists are researching him. He's happy and bouncing around and he and deaf girl have daily chats.

So, yeah. I give it a 3.5 out of 5 beers because that's how many I drank during the film. When the Oscars happen next year, I nominate Kong for Best Actor, hot corporate chick for Best Supporting Actress, and the 13-year-old who wrote the ###### for Best Screenplay.

Message was edited by: Catahoula®

Message was edited by: Catahoula®

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Godzilla vs. Kong - Thoughts, recap and a review

Good God, you're weird

Re: Godzilla vs. Kong - Thoughts, recap and a review

Def TLDR.*******

Might be faster to just watch the movie***

Have you ever considered quitting your job and becoming a

Thanks for ######## on my dreams.***

Glad I could help

Well he did write a book back in the day. Just sayin.... *****

Tiggity and quozzel thinking they write the longest posts.

Re: Tiggity and quozzel thinking they write the longest posts.

Looks like you put way more thought into that movie than

I swear I tried to read it all. Probably got around 80%

I read the title.

T I T L E

Your review is longer than the entire movie S C R I P T***

Cliff notes - as in "I jumped off the Cliff"

TigerBoard POTD