Orange Blooded [2837]
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Joined: 11/30/98
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Gamecock Football V1.1(Bigtime Upgrade)
Nov 22, 1999, 12:00 AM
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Gamecock Football 1999-2000
##### RULE !!!!!!!
The only USEC prognostication sanctioned by the Fighting Gumby Forum. This article is for entertainment purposes only, and past results are not a guarantee of future performance.
NOV 20, 1999: Clemtek defeats Carolina 31-21. Clemtek tight ends carry Brad Scott onto field. FGF declares boycott of tight ends. Gamecocks win "Defend the Logo Bowl". $500 reward offered for Arturo Freeman's jockstrap, last seen near the goalline. Only 363 days until Carolina beats Clemtek.
NOV 21, 1999: Gamecocks win "OOC-Scrub Basketball Bowl" as Clemtek loses to Wofford in basketball. Nobody in Clemson really cares, since they are too busy reserving hotel rooms in Atlanta. Goalposts torn down in Williams-Brice.
NOV 22, 1999: Atlanta Omni declares all rooms booked. FGF announces boycott of OMNI hotels.
NOV 24, 1999: Court grants Keith Adams petition for parental custody of Phil Petty on the grounds that Mr. Adams has proven beyond a reasonable doubt that he is Phil's Daddy. FGF declares boycott of South Carolina courts.
NOV 27, 1999: Georgia Tech beats Georgia and claims Gator Bowl bid. Clemson and Georgia to Peach Bowl. FGF declares boycott of Bowl Games. Early FGF betting line on Clemson-Georgia is Georgia -35. Vegas line is Georgia -3.
NOV 28, 1999: FGF publishes official power ratings of 2000 opponents. 1. UT 2. UF 3. Bama 4. MSU 5. UGA 6. Arkansas 7. Kentucky 8. Vanderbilt 9. NMSU 10.(tie) Eastern Michigan/ Clemtek. FGF line moves to Georgia -38.
NOV 29, 1999: FGF line moves to Georgia -43. Vegas line moves to Georgia -7 as Gamecocks fans max out credit cards.
DEC 2, 1999: Suggs and Ellis break down Clemtek-Georgia game. Clemtek's ricepaper defense and pattycake smoke and mirrors offense stand no chance against USEC's Athens Daddy. Should be an easy win for Georgia because South Carolina has exposed Clemson as a fraud. Vegas line moves to Georgia -10 as Gamecocks put January rent money on the line.
DEC 4, 1999: Planocock reports that Lou is closing in on a bigtime QB, but Akron, Kent, and Rutgers are also pushing hard. Rumors circulate that Mike McGoo is on the verge of making a monster hire that will put Clemson football in the rearview mirror.
DEC 5, 1999: Lou Holtz begins work on Clemson gameplan.
DEC 6, 1999: Mike McGoo one-ups Clemson's hiring of Brad Scott by bringing in Ken Hatfield from Rice as Skip Holtz's assistant. Rally around the Gamecocks held to welcome the new disciple. Brad Scott hung in effigy. Ken rouses the crowd with a fiery speech on the powerful, high-octane flexbone, and promises to ironout any BUGABOOS in spring practice.
DEC 7, 1999: In a day that will live in infamy, Ken Hatfield reneges on his deal and returns to Rice, taking Derek Watson with him. FGF declares boycott of Texas. Ken Hatfield hung in effigy next to Brad Scott.
DEC 9, 1999: Lou Holtz grows tired of Gamecocks fans mobbing him in his office with declarations of undying love and devotion. Orders a goalline painted in front of his door so he can work on his Clemson gameplan in peace.
DEC 10, 1999: Mike McGoo pulls off another hiring coup when he lures Daryl Moody away from UNC to assist Skip Holtz in opening up the Gamecock offense. To avoid a reprise of Ken Hatfield's treason, McGoo insists on a ten-year contract with a two million dollar buyout.
DEC 11, 1999: Vegas line moves to Georgia -4 as professional gamblers jump in with Clemson getting 10 points. FGF declares boycott of professional gambling.
DEC 20, 1999: Faced with the prospect of huge financial losses in 2000 when 80,000 USEC faithful will take advantage of the gamecocks special after each of at least nine wins, Hardee's regretfully ends it's sponsorship of USEC football. FGF declares boycott of Hardee's.
DEC 21, 1999: Mike McGoo saves the day again when he signs Seven-Eleven as the new corporate sponsor. Seven-Eleven offers two specials to anyone presenting a Gamecock Club membership card: The Gamecock Special- One Case of Milwaukee's Best for $4.99, and the Hardcore Gamecock Special- Milwaukee's Best Beer Ball with IV Drip for $15.99.
DEC 25, 1999: Gamecocks celebrate Lou Holtz's birthday with a Rally around the Gamecocks in Williams-Brice stadium.
DEC 26, 1999: After a big Holtzmas dinner, Pinnock weighs in at 305 pounds.
DEC 28, 1999: Bowl Memorial Day at Williams-Brice. Mike McGoo and Steve Taneyhill bring down the house with a powerful rendition of "We are the Champions" in remembrance of USEC's epic Carquest Bowl victory. In a moving ceremony, Williams-Brice Stadium is renamed Steve Taneyhill Field AT Williams-Brice-Carquest Memorial Championship Stadium. Brad Scott turns down an opportunity to be inducted into the USEC Hall of Fame with the entire Carquest Championship Team, and is hung in effigy.
DEC 29, 1999: USEC Hall of Fame is renamed the Carquest Hall of Sparky Woods' Players. Vegas line moves to Georgia -6 as Gamecocks dip into their kids' college funds.
DEC 30, 1999: Rally around the Gamecocks for the Georgia-Clemtek game. Goalposts torn down in Williams-Brice-Carquest in anticipation of easy Georgia victory. Clemtek gimmicks their way to a 42-28 victory, as Woodrow Dantzler rolls up over 400 yards in total offense. Gamecocks turn off TVs at halftime and go to 7-11 to take advantage of the Hardcore Gamecock Special.
DEC 31, 1999: Gamecocks declare moral victory. UGA moved to 9th in Opponent power ratings. FGF initiates an internet petition to have Georgia kicked out of the SEC. USEC gears up for the "Recruiting Bowl". Donnan-in-effigy joins Hatfield and Scott on the scaffold.
JAN 03, 1999: Thousands of Gamecocks fans evicted from their homes for failure to pay rent. A shantytown named "Donnanville" grows up around Williams-Brice.
JAN 04, 1999: Internet connections installed in cockabooses and at "Donnanville".
JAN 05, 1999: Phil Petty Heisman campaign kicks off. ESPN adds Dantzler to list of potential Heisman candidates but snubs Phil Petty. FGF declares boycott of ESPN.
JAN 06, 1999: Shortage of refrigerator boxes becomes critcal as gamecocks continue to be evicted from their homes.
JAN 07, 1999: Pinnock returns from the Holtzmas break weighing 340 pounds.
JAN 08, 1999: Planocock predicts top ten recruiting class for Lou Holtz. Clemson expected to get the castoffs.
FEB 01, 1999: Rally around the Gamecocks held in anticipation of a big signing day.
FEB 02, 1999: Pandemonium in Williams-Brice as Lou Holtz annonces heralded recruiting class. The twenty-five fullbacks, tight-ends, and linemen stolen from topnotch programs like Vanderbilt, Ball State, and Iowa will insure that USEC can compete against the other smashmouth programs in the talent-laden SEC. Goalposts torn down as USEC notches another convincing win in the "Recruiting Bowl". In unrelated news, Columbia, SC SAT proctors receive $500 cash bonuses and a copy of Lou Holtz's "Do Right" ethics courses from an anonymous benefactor.
FEB 03, 1999: Concerned with the escalating cost of replacing goalposts, Mike McGoo orders the groundskeepers to paint goallines around them.
FEB 04, 1999: Clemtek's recruiting class ranked a consensus top-twenty haul by national recruiting analysts. USEC recruits unranked except by Phil Kornblut who names the USEC class top fifteen. FGF declares boycott of national recruiting services. Bronze statue of Phil Kornblut on horseback erected in front of Williams-Brice-Carquest.
FEB 05, 1999: Mike McGoo orders 2000 SEC Championship Rings.
FEB 10, 1999: Pinnock's diet paying off, as he tops the 400 pound mark. Lou Holtz states that he finally has an SEC caliber tailback.
FEB 17, 1999: Mike McGoo, to universal FGF acclaim, initiates the Carolina Pride Campaign, setting a fundraising goal of $2,650,000 to dramatically upgrade the Williams-Brice-Carquest Memorial Championship Stadium football experience. Planned improvements include: Adding two lanes to all roads leaving the stadium, drive-thru liquor kiosks at all parking lot exits, a new twelve-effigy capacity scaffold, toilet paper dispensers, and a state of the art security system to protect the precious Carquest Bowl Championship Trophy.
SPRING, 1999: Gamecocks win the "Spring Game Bowl". 25,000 screaming Gamecock faithful watch Garnet defeat White 9-6 as a svelte Pinnock rumbles for 250 yards. Phil Petty goes 2-2 for 15 yards, and the Heisman Hoopla is in full swing. Mike McGoo's prescience pays off as the goalposts prove invulnerable from both directions.
SUMMER, 1999: Gamecocks claim 8th consecutive SEC summer championship. SEC rings issued to the proud gamecock players.
AUG 26, 1999: FGF picks USEC to win SEC East and to be in the hunt for a BCS bowl. Clemtek expected to finish 5-6, with gamecocks to administer the coup-de-grace.
AUG 27, 1999: Clemson ranked #23 AP, #22 ESPN Coachs' Poll. Gamecocks unranked. FGF declares boycott of polls.
AUG 28, 1999: Lou Holtz continues feverish work on Clemson gameplan.
AUG 29, 1999: Beano Cook predicts that Phil Petty will win the Heisman two years running and will bring home a National Championship to Columbia. FGF names Beano Cook as their "Man of the Century".
SEP 02, 1999: Williams-Brice-Carquest endzones remain inviolate as USEC drops a heartbreaker to New Mexico State 15-3. Daryl Moody's genius shines through as Pinnock rushes for 84 yards on 40 carries, and Phil Petty goes 5-8 for 42 yards and only 3 interceptions. Gamecocks win second straight "Defend the Logo Bowl". Brad Scott hung in effigy. Moral victory declared, and 1st place in SEC east still up for grabs. 77 days til Carolina beats Clemtek.
SEP 09, 1999: In a nailbiter, USEC falls to Georgia 42-7. Pinnock rushes for 67 yards on 44 carries and bulls his way into the endzone against the underrated Georgia scout team. Phil Petty continues to pad his Heisman numbers with 7-11, 88 yards passing. The improving Carolina defense holds Georgia's first team offense to only 14 points, but two Petty passes are returned for TDs in the first quarter. USEC is second in the SEC East.
SEP 16, 1999: USEC celebrates Holtzmas early as the Gamecocks rout a scrappy Eastern Michigan team 20-13. Pinnock rushes for 99 yards on 52 carries and scores two touchdowns, and Phil Petty continues his assault on the record books with 102 yards passing. When questioned about the RUTS, Lou Holtz piously declares "Hey, it's not my job to keep Daryl Moody from scoring". USEC football has turned the corner, and a BCS bid is virtually a done deal. 7-11 does land office business in Gamecock Specials.
SEP 23, 1999: Another heartbreaker as MSU squeaks by a hardfighting Gamecock football team 38-6. A brilliant Daryl Moody rally falls just short as Pinnock is stopped on the goalline late in the fourth quarter. Phil Petty looks impressive as he goes over 300 yards passing for the season.
SEP 30, 1999: USEC gives Bama all they can handle as Pinnock blasts the Bama reserves for two late scores and the Gamecocks take Bama right down to the wire 58-14. Recruiting is really cooking as underrated linemen and fullbacks throughout the rust belt list USEC in their top five. USEC ranked #3 in the nation in 4th quarter scoring behind only Buffalo and Kent State.
OCT 07, 1999: USEC holds Kentucky to 37 points in a narrow 37-3 setback. FGF predicts an easy victory over Clemtek since they run the same gimmicky offense as Kentucky, but without SEC caliber talent. Pinnock gets 67 yards on 44 attempts against a swarming Kentucky defense and Petty eclipses the 400 yard passing mark for the season. At 1-5, a BCS bowl is probably unlikely, but still possible due to the tough SOS rating for playing in the SEC.
OCT 14, 1999: USEC is ambushed by Arkansas 28-6 as they are caught looking ahead to the Clemtek game. A bowl bid is now a mathematical impossibility, but that will merely give Lou more time to put together a top five recruiting class. There is shock and dismay as USEC is nowhere to be found in the BCS rankings, while Clemtek, because of wins against weak ACC teams is ranked 14th. Brad Scott is hung in effigy, and FGF declares boycott of ABC and the BCS.
OCT 21, 1999: The intense preparation for Clemtek is really taking it's toll as USEC comes up just short in a desperate fourth quarter rally and loses to Vanderbilt 27-13. Petty vaults over 500 yards passing for the season, and has only 17 interceptions to go with his two touchdown passes. Despite all the national hype for other players at schools with winning records, Phil Petty is surely in the mix for the Heisman.
OCT 28, 1999: In an effort to break the Gamecocks out of their doldrums, Mike McGoo has a replica of Touchdown Jesus erected in Williams-Brice-Carquest. Unfortunately, Tennessee is just a bit too strong as they escape with a 42-9 victory.
NOV 11, 1999: Two weeks of preparation really pay off for master motivator Lou Holtz, as the fired-up gamecocks hold Florida to 54 points in the Swamp, frustrating Visor-Boy's promise to put a RUTS on USEC. The gamecocks have turned a corner by hanging with the Gators 54-6 despite looking ahead to the looming clash with Clemtek. USEC is now ranked #1 nationally in 4th quarter pass defense. Mike McGoo rewards Charlie Strong with a $50,000 bonus.
NOV 16, 1999: Brad Scott is hung in effigy as the Gamecocks prepare to deny 8-2 Clemtek an opportunity for a BCS bowl.
NOV 18, 1999: Lou Holtz shows that with a year to prepare, he can get his team ready for anybody as the Gamecocks embarrass the overrated Tigers at Death Valley in an edifying 45-7 loss. Woodrow Dantzler is held under 600 yards of total offense, and the Gamecocks roll up over 170 yards on the hapless Taters. Pinnock breaks the Taters' backs when he bowls his way into the endzone late in the 4th quarter to cut the Clemtek lead to 38 points. Tommy Suggs and Todd Ellis lambast the Taters for their weak offensive schemes and total lack of SEC caliber talent.
NOV 24, 1999: Clemtek is denied a BCS bowl, as they drop out of the BCS rankings due to the hit their SOS took from playing USEC. Unfortunately, USEC is cheated out of a bowl bid entirely, despite their dismantling of the Taters, because the NCAA doesn't count moral victories towards the six wins requirement. FGF declares a boycott of the NCAA. An appeal to SEC commissioner Roy Kramer results only in a suggestion to stop wasting money on football scholarships. FGF declares a boycott of the SEC, and Roy Kramer is hung in effigy. In other news, 3-8 Notre Dame is also shut out of the bowl picture when Big East commissioner Mike Tranghese pressures the Gator Bowl into inviting 8-3 Miami instead.
NOV 26, 1999: Notre Dame, NBC and Lou Holtz jointly petition Pope John Paul II to excommunicate the commissioners of the Big East and SEC, and Clemtek coaches Tommy Bowden and Brad Scott. The complainants also demand that the Big East be placed under Papal Interdict.
NOV 29, 1999: Lou Holtz loses a tight race for SEC coach of the year, despite votes from Tommy Suggs, Gene Sapakoff, and Phil Kornblut. FGF declares a boycott of out of state sportswriters and newspapers.
DEC 06, 1999: Phil Petty is gypped out of the Heisman, despite votes from Beano Cook and Lee Corso. FGF declares a boycott of the Downtown Athletic Club, and hangs Brad Scott in effigy.
DEC 07, 1999: USEC remembers the Day of Infamy by holding a rally around Ken Hatfield hung in effigy.
DEC 09, 1999: Still no news from the Pope, but rumors swirling around The Vatican City suggest a compromise is in the works.
DEC 10, 1999: Disappointing news out of the Vatican today. Pope John Paul II refuses to take action against Tommy Bowden, declaring that he is a fan of high-tempo offenses. Mike Tranghese is excommunicated and the Big East is placed under Papal Interdict, meaning that no Big East Bowls will sanctified and games involving Big East teams will not be figured into the Sagarin Ratings. The Holy Father declares that Roy Kramer, as the head of a different denomination, is beyond the pale of Papal Law, but that he is in imminent danger of damnation for the SEC's laughable OOC scheduling. Finally, his bull declares that he will sanction the Torquemada Bowl on DEC 26, 1999 in Seville, Spain, to reward USEC and Notre Dame for their admirable devotion to Big Ten football doctrine. FGF, while delighted at the prospect of a bowl game, declares a boycott of the Catholicism anyways.
DEC 14, 1999: Tommy Suggs and Todd Ellis come through with their usual sharp analysis, picking Notre Dame to keep it close early, but then to get a Daryl Moody RUTS laid on them as USEC's superior SEC talent wears out the Irish. Pinnock tips the scales at an imposing 440 pounds, and Beano Cook anoints him as the frontrunner for the 2001 Heisman.
DEC 15, 1999: Lou Holtz takes advantage of the extra practice time to begin installing the gameplan for the 2000 Clemtek game.
DEC 23, 1999: The Notre Dame Fighting Irish arrive in Seville, sporting "Heretic vs. Catholic" T-shirts. FGF declares a boycott of Ireland, and Touchdown Jesus is hung in effigy.
DEC 26, 1999: Daryl Moody and Skip Holtz take Bob Davies to school, jumping out to a 3-0 lead, before lucky plays and bad officiating propel Notre Dame to an lackluster 42-9 win in front of a sellout crowd of 2,500 bewildered Spanish soccer fans,and the orangeclad Holy Father, who is promptly hung in effigy. Gamecocks declare a moral victory. Pinnock runs all over the befuddled Irish for 74 yards on 42 attempts. Petty caps his Heismanlike season by picking apart the BBhead secondary to the tune of 8-10 and 65 yards passing. Suggs and Ellis opine that Clemtek would have been shutout by this surprisingly strong Notre Dame team.
DEC 27, 1999: In an effort to make amends to offended Gamecocks fans, and to beef up the SEC's OOC schedule, Roy Kramer arranges for USEC to meet Nebraska in the preseason Kickoff Classic. Interviewing Nebraska Head Football Coach Frank Solich about the matchup, Tommy Suggs asks Solich his feelings about having to face an SEC powerhouse like USEC in the first game instead of the usual ACC-caliber creampuff. Solich laughs til he starts crying, and is promptly hung in effigy at Williams-Brice-Carquest. FGF declares a boycott on corn, and the color red. Gamecocks tout another moral victory, and prepare to trounce the hated Taters in yet another "Recruiting Bowl".
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