Pigskin Prophet - Week 4

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Yes!! College football starts this week!!!!

I know, I know. We’ve had three weeks of games already, and there have been some good ones mixed in with all the bad ones. And there have been a lot of bad ones, as some of the nation’s FCS schools take on their big brothers in money games.

These games are designed for the FCS schools to come in and take a beating in exchange for a lucrative amount of money. In the real world, that is called prostitution. In college football, however, it’s called prostitution.

But we all know that the smaller schools need the big payday, so they can take their check back home and invest the money where it really matters – in the women’s lacrosse and badminton programs.

Thankfully, schools are now beginning to get into league play, and many of the unevenly-matched contests are going away. Unless you pull for Kentucky, and then every contest feels that way….

Anyway, on to the picks this week, and remember - don't take any of this too serious. It's all in fun.

CLEMSON AT FSU – We will go ahead and get this one out of the way first, simply because it’s the biggest game of the week. The Seminoles finally play a team with a pulse, and head coach Bimbo Fisher will have the best view in the house – standing on a stepstool behind his players. The Tigers have plenty of offensive weapons, but part of the problem over the past few seasons is that the defense has been offensive as well. The Noles have a great defense, led by former tennis great Bjorn Borg, but this one looks like a shootout to me. FSU 34, CLEMSON 30

MARYLAND AT WEST VIRGINIA – The Terps have two wins on the season, which is two more than many people thought they would have at this point. However, the long losing streak of the season begins this week when Randy Edsall runs into West Virginia, where head coach Princess Dana Holgersen and his mullet fit in nicely. The Neers have been scoring in bunches on offense, and the smoke from all of the couch fires in Morgantown will begin to darken the sky by halftime. WEST VIRGINIA 48, MARYLAND 16

KENTUCKY AT FLORIDA – Kentucky is much like Duke and North Carolina in the ACC…football is just an excuse to drink during the daytime until college basketball practice begins. How serious can a school be about the sport of football when more people show up to the season’s first hoops practice at midnight than show up for a football home game? Unfortunately, they play in the SEC, where people kill their rivals’ trees, for crying out loud, and the sports of football is taken seriously. Florida has put together a couple of good wins on the road and return to the friendly environs of the swamp, where new head cheerleader Troy Landry grabs a microphone and shouts, “CHOOT ‘EM CLINT!! CHOOT ‘EM” for an entire game. SWAMP PEOPLE 31, ASHLEY JUDD 13

BOWLING GREEN AT VIRGINIA TECH – Raise your hand if you know that Bowling Green gave the Swamp People fits in the opener…..however, the Falcons find themselves double digit underdogs to Heisman front-runner Logan Thomas [He’s so tall!!!]. Thomas completed more passes to Pittsburgh last week than he did his own receivers, prompting ESPN’s Heather Dinich to name her 13th child after him. Thomas actually improves this game – tossing three TD passes against just three INT’s – and the Hokies get back to winning big. VA. TECH 9, BOWLING GREEN 8

NORTHWESTERN OKLAHOMA ST. at UTSA – HAHAHAHA!!!! WHO??????? But seriously, I would rather watch this one than see Army at Wake Forest. Yuck.

NEVADA AT HAWAII – Nevada head coach Chris Ault is known as the innovator of the famed Pistol offense, but finds the going tough in Hawaii. It turns out the Transportation Security Administration won’t let him take the Pistol on the plane to Hawaii, and he has to run a normal offense in the land of the rainbows. Won’t matter….GAMBLERS 37, RAINBOWS 25

MIAMI (FL) at GEORGIA TECH – The Hurricanes blow out of southern Florida, happy that they get to play in front of more than 32 fans this week. The bad news is they get the world’s greatest coach – just ask him and his biggest fan, the local radio host – and the bumblebees. The bees have been really buzzing along since losing to the world’s greatest tall quarterback in week one, stinging Virginia and Mike London last week. The Miami booster club didn’t make the trip to Kansas a few weeks ago, and the Hurricanes fell flat. This week, the booster club makes the trip, the Cheetah club makes a killing, and it still doesn’t matter……BEES 34, MIAMI 16

OPEN DATE AT BOSTON COLLEGE – Boston College head coach Tom Selleck finally gets a team he can beat, even though Sister Sadie Dinkins of Open Date throws for 250 yards and three scores and makes it close late ….CATHOLICS 24, BAPTISTS 23

MISSOURI AT SOUTH CAROLINA – The battle of Columbia takes place in this one. No, not the one where William Tecumseh Sherman burned Columbia to the ground, earning an Associate’s Degree from Clemson in the process. [HISTORICAL NOTE: The University of North Carolina later bestowed an AFAM degree on Sherman because he also marched through North Carolina.] One Columbia is a proud city with culture, history and clean air. The other one is in South Carolina. This is how this one will play out - Shaw gets hurt early, sees Spurrier frown, comes back in; goes out; the backup throws an interception; Shaw comes back in and gets hurt again; Ray Tanner comes in at quarterback; Tanner gets benched for having actually won a real ring; Danny Wuerrfel comes in; Wuerffel is benched for Rex Grossman; Grossman steps on Spurrier’s visor and is benched; Shaw’s shoulder is carted off the field; Shaw wins the game with one shoulder. Spurrier announces after the game that Shaw’s shoulder will be amputated and then surgically reattached at the end of the season [I’m guessing they pack it in doo-doo ice]. SOUTH CAROLINA 31, MIZZOU 17

EAST CAROLINA AT NORTH CAROLINA – The Pirates make the trip into wine and cheese country, hopeful for a nice reception hosted by Brantley, Buffy, Kennedy, Barrington, Brennan and Summer. In all seriousness, though, if you haven’t ever been to a UNC tailgate, you need to go once. First thing that happens is Roderick, the butler, brings the Mercedes to the front of the house, packed with the wine and cheese. Roderick then makes sure that little Biff and Buckley have their sweaters draped over their shoulders correctly, and the fans get to the field just in time to drink wine. The fans then enter the stadium by mid-second quarter, where they gleefully watch UNC basketball highlights on the scoreboard. What football game? In the meantime…UNC 34, PIRATES 21

LSU AT AUBURN – Prior to last week’s game, Auburn head coach Gene Chizik was found in his office, curled up in a fetal position and cradling a picture of former quarterback Cam Newton. Chizik was crying uncontrollably and muttering something about ‘daddy misses you, please come home.’ The assistant coaches got him up, dried his tears and propped him on the sideline in time for his team to overcome a strong UL-Monroe team that DEFINITELY has SEC speed. Now that he has a win, the old Chizik is back, and this week he gets to take on No. 2 LSU. Good luck with that. He’s already made up T-shirts with his newest original slogan – Where’s the Beef – but it doesn’t do any good. LSU 45, AUBURN 13

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