Pigskin Prophet takes a look at some spring games


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Ah, spring in the South.

For those of us lucky to live in the southern part of the country, spring means the azaleas are blooming and we get to watch The Masters. It means there are warm afternoons (even though those haven’t appeared too frequently) and we get to call the cops on the people wearing Gamecock hats who are trying to steal lawnmowers out of our backyards.

Life is renewed.

However, it also means spring football and spring games, so Crump has dug deep in his pockets to find a lint-covered piece of gum in order to pay me to take a look at some of the games of the teams in the area and that are on Clemson’s schedule.

Enjoy. And remember, it’s all in fun, so when you’re reading this to your University of South Carolina friends, make sure they understand it. Then signal for the guard that visiting hours are over and you need out of CCI.

VIRGINIA TECH

The first thing the Virginia Tech coaches did before spring ball started was measure all of their quarterbacks. Any quarterback that was below 6-feet-11 was moved to a different position or had their scholarship yanked. Incumbent starter Logan Thomas VOWED to the media and his teammates that he would be more accurate this season than last – and he will go out and have a spectacular spring game. Thomas will complete 3-of-17 passes for six yards and five interceptions. ESPN raves about his accuracy and makes him a Heisman front-runner. He is so TALL!!!

GEORGIA

Quarterback Aaron Murray says the Bulldogs aren’t concentrating on the opener with Clemson, and instead are focused on making sure they have enough players eligible once the season starts. A nasty rumor that is growing out of Athens is that Mark Richt has almost all of his players taking Concealed Weapons Permit classes in the hopes that at least half of the summer arrests will be avoided. Gene Chizik is called in to make sure those players pass the classes. UGA MCMXXII dies of heat stroke during the spring game, and the Bulldogs ponder whether the season will be a success or not. Stay by your computers!!!

UTSA

WHO??????

GEORGIA TECH

Paul Johnson hauled in another stellar recruiting class in February, signing three 2-stars, nine 1-stars and seven other kids that no one has ever heard of. A local radio host here proclaims it to be the best recruiting class of all time. Johnson’s assistant coaches have gotten all wild and crazy this spring, and have tried to introduce Grumpy to the forward pass, but he goes away from it in the days leading up to the spring game, and vows he can win five whole games this year without it. As a result, his offense piles up 424 yards on 121 carries in the spring game, and the local radio host declares them National Championship material. However, what is overlooked is that most of the yards came when the defense was still on the sidelines getting instructions on how to line up.

SYRACUSE

ACC Commissioner John Swofford made the trek up to upstate New York recently to help the Orangemen kick off spring practice. Taking sled dogs from the airport, Swofford finds out that the football team isn’t allowed to practice because the basketball team takes priority this time of year and has the Carrier Dome all booked up. Swofford immediately congratulates everyone involved on their fine thinking – he loves basketball - and leaves. Meanwhile, the football players conduct spring practice in their dorm rooms using NCAA Football 13 on PS3 and Xbox. No new starters are found, because EA Sports hasn’t released the new rosters. Could get ugly.

N.C. STATE

New head coach Dave Doeren’s first task as head coach was to find the rather large student who hung on the pole during last year’s win over Florida St. and install him as the starting center. Five practices into the spring, it was learned that the large kid is actually N.C. State’s best lineman, and he announces his intention to switch to Clemson. Doeren keeps him around by having State start a new classwork program called Caucasian American Studies, which takes a deep look at why very obese and very white college students hang onto poles during college football games. The spring is considered a true success when the kid marries the Pig Girl from Arkansas at the spring game.

SOUTH CAROLINA

The biggest news of the spring comes when it is announced that Jadeveon Clowney will not prepare for the draft but instead will be taking extra coursework this spring. It is called Music Appreciation. He walks in, they play music, he says he appreciates it, and gets an A. Meanwhile, Alabama’s National Championship banner is hung in Williams-Brice, but hardly anyone is there to notice because most Gamecocks are attending Alabama’s spring game, and proclaiming yet another championship for The Cocks. In an effort to boost attendance, head coach Steve Spurrier takes off his shirt early in the game, and the South Carolina media calls him the “Classiest Coach Alive.” Despite 14 turnovers by the offense, Spurrier redirects attention away from the awful showing by saying, “My moobs are more impressive than what that little boy up at the other school has.” Carolina fans swoon with emotion, and chant “Roll Tide!!!!”

WAKE FOREST

Wake head coach Jim Grobe has gone away from his usual plan of playing older players recently, and it has resulted in less-than-winning football in Winston-Salem, much to the chagrin of their 12 fans. However, he has gone back to his “older players only” program, and this year’s team promises to be the oldest he has had in a while, with an average age slightly younger than Miami’s basketball team had. That’s saying something, because the Hurricanes had three grandfathers playing. However, having such old players has caused a bit of a schedule change – the spring game will be held on Sunday this year, to make sure that all of the players can get off work after the third shift at the mill on Saturday, have time to rest up, and get the wives and kiddies to the stadium on Sunday. They’re still bad, but at least they’re older.

MARYLAND
The Terrapins entered spring practice with 13 quarterbacks on scholarship. However, 12 of them had torn ACL’s and will watch spring ball from the sidelines. Head coach Randy Edsall announces that he will prepare for Big 10 play by playing none of his scholarship quarterbacks next season in an effort to keep them healthy. Instead, he will let converted tight ends run the option and throw the football. One former tight end, who is 6-7, is made a Heisman front-runner by ESPN after completing more passes than Georgia Tech and Virginia Tech combined – four.

FLORIDA ST.


Jimbo Fisher is walking a little taller these days. Not because he won the ACC, but because he bought platform shoes. The Noles will be mixing and matching this spring after having to replace most of the defense and quarterback E.J. Manuel. ESPN’s ACC blog reporters, however, insist that Florida St. FINALLY has the talent to win it all, and will immediately anoint them as the favorites to win not only the ACC next season, but perhaps make a run at winning it all. However, the high hopes are dashed when Jimbo’s grand play-calling turns into a dumpster fire, and something happens that has never before happened in college footall – the Noles lose their own spring game. They immediately drop from 5th to 6th in the preseason rankings.

AUBURN

There have been many reports out of Alabama about wrong-doings at Auburn, throwing a bit of a dark shadow over Auburn’s spring game. However, ESPN, which will hunt down and actually kill coaches at schools not in the SEC, announces their own investigation turns up no wrong-doing and that Auburn fans can breathe easier. Meanwhile, former head coach Gene Chizik becomes a speech and slogan writer for the Obama administration.

P.S. Thank you for reading, and please be safe this spring – hide your lawnmowers.

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