Pigskin Prophet: UNC penalties edition

Pigskin Prophet: UNC penalties edition

by - Contributor -

Football has had to take a backseat this week. If you’ve heard the rumors that the University of North Carolina will learn their punishment this week, well, I can tell you they are true.

My transportation service was called in by the ACC, and I’ve had to make sure that ACC Commish John Swofford made it to all of the meetings. If you’ve been living under a rock for the past six or seven years, the Tar Heels took athletic cheating into the realm of academics and gave players passing grades for classes not really taken.

For example, Player A took Music Appreciation, and when he walked into class the first day the instructor played a song, Player A said, “I appreciate that” and walked out with an A, having spent just two minutes in the classroom.

I’ve heard Swofford on the phone, endeavoring to lessen UNC’s punishment, and he told the NCAA that he sent a “sternly-worded” letter. When he was told that wasn’t enough, he told the NCAA that he went over to the basketball offices and “really gave those guys a good talking to.” When he was told that wasn’t enough, he said, “Hey, I even shook my finger at them.”

It’s about to get bad in Chapel Hill. But onto football, because let’s be honest, football pays the bills in the ACC these days. And don’t be offended, it’s all in fun.



Louisville led last year’s game 44-0 at the half and went on to win in a laugher. Louisville is 4-1, but the Cardinals have been tested just once and got blown out at home. The Lamar Jackson Show will make enough plays to keep the Cardinals in this one, but old Neck Brace Petrino will find a way to screw it all up. Let’s face it, Pack head coach Dave Doeren hasn’t had the best track record in big games and even managed to lose to South Carolina, but the Pack finds a way to win this one. PACK 38, NECK BRACE 27



The Demon Deacons take their church show on the road for a nooner against the champs. Weak Florist came close to beating Florida St. last weekend, but still found a way to lose. Their offense won’t find much room against Brent Venables’ pack of slobbering dogs, who give up yards and points as begrudgingly as Todd McShay hands out compliments to Clemson players. This one will be competitive, for a while, but the Tigers cover the spread, even if all the students leave midway through the first quarter. The Tigers win going away….CLEMSON 37, WEAK FLORIST 13


Don’t look now, but Kirby Smart has the Dawgs playing as well as they’ve recruited. Of course, the biggest key to Georgia’s turnaround is the fact that they’ve managed to keep the majority of their roster out of prison this season. It helps when your star players are raising the bar instead of at the bar or behind bars. Vanderbilt beat Jawja last season, and they might be competitive for a while, but other than Georgia the rest of the SEC East is garbage, and it’ll be garbage time for the Dawgs by the third quarter. DAWGS ON PAROLE 34, VANDY 13


Ole Miss was throttled by the Alabama juggernaut last week, and they know they need a win this week so they are bringing out the big guns. That’s right – Mama Nkemdiche will be the honorary captain when the Rebels take the field at Auburn. It won’t matter – Gus Malzahn is crazy and his wife is even crazier, but he’s learned that playing just one quarterback is okay. The War Eagles slash Plainsmen slash Tigers with their giant chipmunk mascot Alvin win the day in Jerdin-Hair. AUBURN 41, OLE MESS 9


Florida St. played exactly one game during the season’s first three weeks, and barely knocked off Weak Florist last week. How will the Noles and their 98-pound quarterback fare against the Hurricanes? The Canes are getting a lot of love and people see them as a candidate for the playoff, forgetting that they are coached by Mark Richt, who isn’t fond of winning championships and loves finishing 9-3. This will be a defensive struggle for much of the day, and it helps that Florida St. is at home. They get a lot of emotion when their WASPish frat boy who puts on war paint and a Seminole costume throws a flaming spear in the ground, but I am thinking the Hurricane blows that flame out. CANES 23, NOLES 20


My guess is that the start of this game will be delayed while Jake Bentley finds his helmet. No one can blame the youngster for losing it, however. The 34-year old sophomore is still supposed to be in the eighth grade, so life is a struggle. The struggle is also real for the Gamecock offensive line, which is about as offensive as it gets and couldn’t block Sister Sadie Dinkins, even when she got a run in her hose. The difference in the two teams is that Arkansas can run the ball and South Carolina can’t. And South Carolina can’t block. Or kick. Or catch. Or really even tackle. And even though Arkansas is not better if better at all, they still win. ARKY 24, LOST HELMETS 17

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