Pigskin Prophet: Turkey Season Edition

Pigskin Prophet: Turkey Season Edition

by - Contributor -

Yes, it’s been a busy few weeks for the Prophet and his truck.

I have a buddy that works for the Attorney General’s office, and once he found out I was making trips to Louisville to deliver neck braces for the Clemson game he contacted me and asked me if my truck had a lock on the back. I assured him it does, and he told me that I needed to make a trip their field office in the Ville and pick up what he called “evidentiary information” and deliver it to New York.

Turns out I had to drive by Rick Pitino’s house on each trip into Louisville, and each trip he would be out on his front porch in a solid white robe, drinking his coffee and giving me the evil eye. I knew it was gonna be bad – but couldn’t tell any of you – when I got sideswiped by a Mercedes station wagon with a wine sticker on the back window early one morning.

The Mercedes almost ran me into the ditch, driven by a maniacal little old man, and turned into Pitino’s driveway. I pulled onto the street just as the little old man – who turned out to be UNC head coach Roy Williams, jumped out of the car with a dozen red roses obviously bought at a gas station.

He ran onto the porch, slammed the flowers into a dazed Pitino’s chest, kissed him on the cheek and said, “Thank you!!!! Now they’ll forget about me and the academic scandal.”

That alone made me wish for college football, and there are some good games this week. Let’s start with Friday, and remember, it’s all in fun. Unless you’re Sister Sadie Dinkins of the Maranatha Ladies Sunday School Class, she takes this stuff seriously.


How about this? A big early-season matchup in Wallace Wade Outdoor Stadium, where tens and tens of fans will show up to support a non-basketball sport. Miami is the favorite to walk away with the Coastal, and they’re used to playing in front of small crowds, so the Wallace Wade Outdoor Stadium will seem like a home game. Miami wins, but it’s close. MIAMI 30, DUKE 24


The real USC travels to Bill Pullman, Washington, to take on the crazy pirate (Mike Leach) and a snarling bunch of Cougars. The Men of Troy haven’t played their best game, and if they slip up even a little the Cougars will pounce for the kill. There is a part of me that says USC has the better quarterback and they’ll win, but the other part of me says the Crazy Pirate has been waiting a long time for this. I flipped a gold dubloon given to my great-grandfather by Edward Teach, and it came up heads. Crazy Pirate for the win!!! PIRATES 36, MEN OF TROY 31



It’s the SEC East. Which means that unless you’re Georgia you’re just not good. Both teams have good defenses but struggle offensively. So…the home team? FLORIDA 6, VANDY 5


Larry Derby and the wine and cheese take a trip down the interstate to rough and tumble Atlanta, where Pawwwl Johnson and the Yellow Jackets await. I will save you the suspense on this one – UNC is really, really bad on defense and the Tech offensive linemen will roll around on the ground for 70-plus snaps Saturday. Their version of blocking – see career-ending knee injuries in the rule book but loved by that smarmy so-and-so Johnson – will help roll up over 400 yards on the ground. They’ll be so good at it their linemen will roll right into the locker room after the game, and then roll into their dorm room after rolling through the shower. TECH 41, UNC 27


The bookies in Vegas, some of them close personal friends of Rick Pitino, have this one as a double-digit for the Pack. But I’ve seen this movie a lot. Dave Doeren and his bunch knocked off FSU last weekend, and now they’re the darlings of the league. Which means Syracuse is gonna give them all they want. Dino Babers of the Orange is a better coach, but Doeren has better talent. It’s close right until the final howl of the coyote or wolf or whatever they are. NC STATE 34, CUSE 27


Isn’t there some small part of you that thinks Butch Jones will rally his 5-stars in life and pull off the upset on Rocky Top? Yeah, me neither. This Tennessee program is in a shambles, and the Bulldogs will run into Neyland Stadium for a quick bite of Ole Smoky before sailing out of town on a stolen Volunteer Navy vessel. It gets a lot harder for Butch and his trash can of defeat this week. GEORGIA 31, TENNESSEE 16


I hafta admit, this one intrigues me. A wounded band of Seminoles leave the reservation and travel to Winston-Salem to take on Weak Florist. But look at those records – the Florist sits undefeated and FSU hasn’t won a game since beating Michigan in the Orange Bowl. Can Wake pull off the upset and send the Seminoles reeling back to Way Southern Georgia? It’s possible. But I see it…..FSU 27, WEAK FLORIST 20


The Gamecocks have proven they could be a force in the Horizon League or Conference USA, but this week they step back into SEC play with a trip to College Station. Will Muschamp’s sad-sack offense is led by a true American hero in Jake Bentley, who turns 39 this weekend but is really only supposed to be in the 8th grade. The little roosters have a shot, but something tells me Reveille the dog will have chicken for lunch, and there will be a trail of chicken feathers all the way back to Columbia. It will be a true “Spurs Up” moment. TEXAS A&M 34, FEATHERS 28


Clemson takes a trip up the mountain to Blacksburg for GameDay, and they will know they are in for a fight when those terrifying keys start to jangle and that song from 35 years ago begins to play. If that isn’t terrifying enough, once the game starts they will hear the most ferocious sound ever heard – a turkey gobble. Actually, the real fear is that that the turkey gobble will get them all laughing and the Hokies will take advantage of the moment to run a play. Close early, close late, but the Tigers open turkey season a week early in the fine state of Vuh-Gin-Ya. TIGERS 30, GOBBLERS 17

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