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Pigskin Prophet: The Fantastic Thumb Edition


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Pigskin Prophet: The Fantastic Thumb Edition

I spent most of last weekend in Lexington, Ky., waiting for the game to end so we could load up all of our privacy pods and make the trek back to Columbia.

In case you missed it, the Kentucky Wildcats won their fifth consecutive game over the South Carolina Gamecocks, meaning South Carolina not only has to fear the thumb, but they were also given the thumb and thumbed all the way back to South Carolina.

Of course, as luck would have it, one of our trucks broke down somewhere around Knoxville, and our driver had to thumb a ride to the nearest truck stop. Once there, he had to thumb through the Yellow Pages until he found a good truck mechanic. The mechanic met him back on the highway, hooked his thumbs in his overalls and diagnosed the problem. Turns out the mechanic carries all of the truck maintenance information on a thumb drive.

You can’t thumb your nose at that kind of information.

Now, on to some picks. And if you get your feelings hurt, press your thumb. It’s supposed to be a nerve center. Whoa.Did I just hit a nerve with all the thumb jokes?

FRIDAY

GEORGIA TECH AT LOUISVILLE

Ok, let’s get one thing straight – both of these teams are bad. Louisville had a chance to beat FSU and it’s stupid backpack last week, but Bobby Petrino thumbed his nose at conventional wisdom and threw a pass when he should have tried to literally run out the clock. This week, he gets Paul Johnson and his swarm of angry bees, who will remind Petrino of why running the football is so important. BEES 34, LOUISVILLE 26

SATURDAY

TEXAS AT OKLAHOMA

Ah, the Red River Rivalry because we can’t say Shootout anymore because someone will get their feelings hurt. With that in mind, this one promises to be a shootout. Texas has gotten it’s thumb out of you know where and has been playing really well, while Oklahoma has beaten its usual cast of nobodies in rocketing to the top of the polls. Texas is gonna make this one interesting and might actually beat the Sooners, but Kyler Murray of Oklahoma is better than anyone on the field and it will show up in the end. OKLAHOMA 34, TEXAS 31

MISSOURI AT SOUTH CAROLINA

The last time Missouri traveled from Columbia to Columbia, quarterback Drew Lock was hit with a water bottle. Let’s face it, most of the South Carolina students are far more accurate throwing water bottles than Jake Bentley is throwing passes, and it’s a cause for concern as the Gamecocks stare down a sub-.500 record. If Bentley can’t go – he has had ankle issues this week – the chickens could be in a world of hurt. The good news for South Carolina is that this isn’t a thumb game. Missouri wins by an eyelash. MIZZOU 27, SOUTH CAROLINA 24

BOSTON COLLEGE AT NC STATE

Boston College has a secret weapon – they are taking a laptop on the sidelines with a special thumb drive that tells how to beat NC State. The best way to get inside the heads of the Wolfpacks are to show them Clemson Tiger paws…….they will fold like cheap laundry. I kid. Sort of. The Eagles have played well at times this season, but they haven’t played a team with the talent of the Pack. Pack wins, but by a thumbnail. PACK 31, BOSTON COLLEGE 27

CLEMSON AT WAKE FOREST

The Tigers take the trip up to Winston-Salem for what amounts to a home game. There is usually a lot of orange in the stands at BB&T Field, so if the Demon Deacons are going to win this game they can’t be all thumbs – they have to hold on to the football. On the flip side, Clemson made a change at quarterback last week and Trevor Lawrence gets a chance at his first collegiate road start. I give this one a thumbs up for Clemson. TIGERS 38, WAKE FOREST 16

LSU AT FLORIDA

If these were ACC teams, people would thumb their nose at it and call it boring football. But it’s the SEC, so we’ll call it a good old fashioned slobber knocker. A thumb breaker. The first team to 17 wins. LSU 23, FLORIDA 13

FLORIDA ST. AT MIAMI

Florida St.’s offense, called Lethargic Indolence by head coach Willie Taggart, found a little rhythm last week against Bobby Petrino and his band of misfits. The talent level is a little different this week – Miami head coach took his thumb and pointed his starting quarterback to the sidelines, inserting a talented freshman into the starting lineup (THE HORROR!!!). The rest of the Hurricanes jumped on the thumb express and blew out North Carolina, and while this will be a little closer, it will still result in a Miami win. MIAMI 27, FSU 20

VANDERBILT AT GEORGIA

The Hairy Puppies don’t have thumbs, so it’s hard to make a joke. Gloria Vanderbilt almost beat Notre Dame but then got steamrolled by The Fightin’ Thumbchamps. If this one was in Nashville, I would tell you that Gloria stood a chance of staying within 25. It’s not, it’s in the outdoor jail facility and pet latrine called Athens, so this one is a blowout, pure and simple. HAIRY PUPPIES 47, GLORIA 13

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