Pigskin Prophet: The Alabama Copycat Edition |
That offseason was way too long for the Pigskin Prophet, who spent time in the state of Alabama selling adult butt balm to Alabama fans. I decided to invest in the product after seeing the recent shows given by Alabama apologist Paul Finebaum.
In fact, it was interesting to note that the first pallet of the butt balm went to a character who lives in Birmingham named Tall Pinebaum. Feeling that I knew exactly where the balm was headed, I also added a bit of our newest product, EarBaum, which uses organic and natural ingredients to reduce ears sticking out. I think ole SpockBaum needs it. Anyway, I was also able to spend some time with Alabama head coach Nick Saban, and once he found out about how I had worked wonders with Will Muschamp’s lip issues, he invited me into to his office to chat. I learned some interesting things….. *It turns out the Crimson Tide is a tired football team heading into the football season. They’ve had to carry the rest of the SEC for so long, it has become a burden. I get that. You can only tote those Gamecocks and Commodores for so long before you get a little tired. *Saban is also angry at Clemson for the “copycat stuff.” See, Clemson coaches saw other teams throw a forward pass and run out of the spread and they did it, too. “I’ve never seen anything like it,” Saban said. “They were doing all of this crazy stuff, like throwing passes to wide receivers and running off tackle. Crazy, game-changing stuff. We watched the Notre Dame tape and saw they tried to kick field goals, so we tried a fake. See what I mean? We didn’t do what Notre Dame did. We changed it up. I don’t understand the whole passing and running thing. They should have just turned it over and let us have the ball back, like the rest of the SEC.” I had nothing to say to that. Now on to some picks, and if you get your feelings hurt, I am doing it right. THURSDAY GEORGIA TECH AT CLEMSON Where is Paul Johnson when you need someone to make fun of? Gone is Johnson and we now have Geoff “Waffle House” Collins, who carries a WH cup everywhere he goes. As it turns out, the man loves Waffle House so much that he named his pets Scattered and Smothered. When it comes to football, Collins has a long way to go to have the kind of talent Dabo Swinney has in Clemson, and that will show Thursday night. I am not going to waffle on this prediction at all. By picking Clemson to win, I won’t have egg on my face. The Jackets get Diced and Chunked and Topped. Bad. CLEMSON 47, BERT’S CHILI 9 DUKE VS. ALABAMA I hate to tell Nick Saban this, but ole David Cutcliffe probably watched the National Championship and he’s gonna do some crazy stuff, too, like throw forward passes to wide receivers and have the running backs run the football on designed runs. The difference is, Duke doesn’t have the talent Clemson does. Bama wins and Finebaum’s ears wiggle in delight. BAMA 48, DUKE 10 SOUTH CAROLINA VS. NORTH CAROLINA The South Carolina Gamecocks play their second consecutive game in Charlotte. The last time the Chickens played there, the Virginia Cavaliers dropped a 28-0 beatdown on the 1969 ACC Champions. However, the Gamecocks didn’t have their secret weapon back in December. See, quarterback Jake Bentley loves to throw to guys who aren’t on his team, but the coaches discovered he is fairly accurate when throwing to golf carts. So every Gamecock receiver will have a picture of the program’s newest sponsor, E-Z-GO golf carts, on the front and backs of their jerseys. With this new technology in place, the Gamecocks should win. Right? Maybe? NOT THE REAL USC 31, THE REAL CAROLINA 20 GEORGIA AT GLORIA VANDERBILT The Bulldogs are a trendy pick to make the College Football Playoff and perhaps win the title. I am not buying it. Not yet. The Bulldogs had Alabama on the ropes but forgot about the whole forward pass thing in the second half of the SEC Championship because they didn’t want to look like they were being a copycat of Auburn. As a result, they lost. Remember, the last time the dumb puppies won a title the Chevy Citation was the best selling car in the country, Pink Floyd and Farrah Fawcett were hot and Jimmy Carter was on his way out. In other words, it’s been a long time. PUPS 40, GLORIA 14 OREGON VS. AUBURN Oregon is another trendy pick to make a splash this season. Look, it’s like this, no team that looks like a highlighter exploded in their travel bags is ever gonna be REALLY good. Auburn is loaded on defense and will make enough plays to keep the best team Nike can buy at bay. This one will be exciting for a while, especially with Justin Herbert at quarterback for the Ducks, but let’s not forget they were 5-4 in the Pac-12 a year ago. AUBURN 31, OREGON 24 VIRGINIA AT PITTSBURGH Yes!! A big-time ACC matchup. Or not. VIRGINIA 21, PITT 17 SUNDAY HOUSTON VS. OKLAHOMA Old mullet man took his act to Houston and of course, his first game is against Lincoln Riley and the Sooners. The Sooners have Jalen Hurts at QB, and while he isn’t Baker Mayfield or Kyler Murray, he’s serviceable. Against Houston, that’s all he will need to be. OKLAHOMA 45, HOUSTON 24 MONDAY NOTRE DAME VS. LOUISVILLE The Fighting Irish were manhandled by Clemson in the Cotton Bowl, and they are out to prove they are once again among the nation’s elite. They won’t prove anything by beating Louisville, which is still bad after Bobby “Volleyball” Petrino left the program in a shambles. NOTRE DAME 37, LOUISVILLE 17
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