Pigskin Prophet: Spring practice recap edition

Pigskin Prophet · Contributor · Saturday, April 23 2016

People are way too serious these days, so it’s time for the Pigskin Prophet to give his thoughts on the recent completion of spring practices around the country.

The Prophet had gotten work as a political analyst, but Donald Trump called me a name and it offended someone somewhere and here I am writing about college football again. And when I go to the bathroom I only go to the one marked Prophet so I don’t offend anyone there, either.

As for the spring – most people think it’s kind of useless but if you’re a new coach you find out who you want to “cut” and open scholarships for and you find out just exactly how many people you want to fire from Steve Spurrier’s – I mean the former coach’s – staff.

And remember, it's all in fun. And if you lose a lot of games and your eyeballs you get a bus.

Boom.

Now onto some observations from spring across the country:

SOUTH CAROLINA

The Gamecocks went out and got their 19th choice to be head coach, the failed Will Muschamp. He immediately instituted something called Spurs Up, which is what happens when a chicken has been ripped to shreds and decides to surrender. The proper term is Hackles Up – showing a little fight – but the nuances are lost on a man whose eyeballs pop out during games, causing him to have to chase them down the sideline to put them back in. He also has a bus. Which is cute. But the spring game was interesting – it was like a Little League participation trophy party, where touchdowns are touchdowns despite penalties and every drive starts in plus territory. Everybody that scored got a free ride on the Boom Bus, which is kind of like a party bus without the party. The good news for South Carolina is that their schedule is absolutely awful next season, and they play just three teams with a pulse – Clemson, Tennessee and Georgia. That bad schedule alone could get them to four whole wins. Heck, now that I think about it, maybe he did mean Spurs Up. I surrender!! BAWK!!!!

GEORGIA TECH

The Yeller Jackets were bad last year, but a lot of that is because the first 22 running backs on their roster had injuries. Pawwwwwl Johnson thinks that the Jackets will be better than ever this season – which might mean five wins – and he went all out in spring practice. In an effort to reduce injuries to his players but to also improve their chop blocking, Johnson brought only lineman and receivers to his only spring practice. For two hours, he had them fall down on the turf. Then he had them go out and practice on normal students, leading to a large number of engineering students missing class with torn ACL’s. That one practice was it, and local radio hosts around the country have proclaimed the Jackets a College Football Playoff contender. STINGERS UP!!!

NORTH CAROLINA

The Tar Heels held practice under the Roy Williams assumption that John Swofford will keep them eligible despite the worst cheating scandal since the 1919 Chicago White Sox. However, Williams thinks the Heels are gonna get off without any penalties to the basketball program and members of the football program are telling recruits their penalty is that they will no longer have a wine and cheese spread at halftime of home football games. The horror. In the meantime, the Heels are trying to find life at quarterback without Marquise Williams – which means they are trying to live life without a quarterback who turns it over in the red zone. Hanging over it all is the specter of sanctions from the NCAA, which might bring the dreaded death penalty: That’s right. The Heels are going to have the number of baby blue sweater vests allowed in the stadium reduced from 52,000 to 49,500. Awful. WINEGLASSES UP!!

TENNESSEE

The Volunteers have recruited well, but they’ve also had their share of scandals over the last few years as accusations have flown around Knoxville. The scandals have also affected recruiting as recruits are leaving the state in droves, kind of like a South Carolina football game in the third quarter. The good news for Tennessee is that it will take Kirby Smart another year to build a true monster and the SEC is laughably bad. Maybe the Vols can win it before it all comes crashing down and they have to go Spurs up. Or is it coon skin cap up?

FLORIDA ST.

Things sure are quiet around Tallahassee now that choir boy and all-around saint Jameis Winston is plying his trade in the NFL and the police department is actually under scrutiny. The Seminoles have a young defense that will be outstanding and maybe the nation’s best running back in Dalvin Cook, who is amazing when healthy. The big question for the ‘Noles coming out of the spring – can they find a quarterback that can protect the ball and hand it off to Cook 25 times a game? They have several talented players on the roster but you never know when an ugly bar scene or your wife leaving for a better offer at Florida will rear its ugly head. SPEARS UP!!!

LOUISVILLE

The Cardinals have recruited very well – they’ve watched the wires for other schools to release arrested players and then offered them motorcycle rides with the Card volleyball coaches. Along with other things, right Rick Pitino? However, we are not allowed to talk about such things until the NCAA comes calling and begins a 27-year investigation before dropping the hammer and making the Cards reduce the number of volleyball coaches on Bobby Petrino’s staff from 23 to 19. The Cardinals actually found a quarterback at the end of last season, however, and they have the horses to challenge Clemson and Florida St. in the Atlantic. BEAKS UP!!!

FLORIDA

The Gators were arguably the worst team to ever play in the SEC Championship Game, but they still won the SEC East (which isn’t hard) and earned the right to lose to Bammer. This year they are going to work on actually scoring points – that great Muschamp recruiting – and finding a quarterback that can find his leg with both hands and a road map. They are in the East, though, so anything is possible. WEBBED FEET UP!!!

GEORGIA

Kirby Smart has actually done a good job of recruiting in his short time in Athens. Mark Richt had a map that apparently had 49 states on it but Georgia was missing. Smart is doing the smart thing and actually recruiting some of the players in the Peach State. If they fall down a lot, they go to Tech, but if they can stay upright they are being recruited by the Bulldogs. They also had QB issues last season and their offense will be a work in progress early in the season, but they’ll get better as the season progresses. SLOBBER UP!!!!!

AUBURN

The Tigers/Eagles/Fighting Chipmunks changed defensive coordinators after last season, selling Muschamp and a broken down volleyball bus to South Carolina for front row tickets to the NCAA Women’s Final Four and equestrian tickets. The trade has worked out for Auburn so far, which introduced Kevin Steele as the new defensive coordinator at Jurgens-Hair Stadium. Steele will bring a new energy to the Toomer’s Corners area, mainly because he doesn’t break his teeth or lose his eyeballs when he makes a bad coaching choice. He might give up half a hundred points to a school with a running quarterback, but he won’t lose his eyeballs. GRADES UP AND ARREST RECORDS DOWN!!