Pigskin Prophet: Salvage of a Wrecked Season Edition
|Thursday, September 5, 2019, 12:01 PM- -|
I have a friend who is a salvage and towing expert and he makes a lot of money with other people’s wrecks. So when he texted me last weekend and asked me if I wanted to step away from the Burger King coupons for a few days and make some real cash, I answered yes.
I spent the earlier part of the week in Tuscaloosa with a doctor friend of mine who has a genius for sports technology. You know how many teams hook medical and electronic devices to their players so they can determine everything from heart rate to blood pressure to even how fast they run down the field? Well, he does stuff like that, and he has developed a device that tracks fatigue.
Alabama head coach Nick Saban wanted to know why his team was so tired at the end of last season. So, we hooked up the monitors and watched a couple of practices and my friend went back to download the results.
I am not big on medical terminology, but the report he presented to the Alabama folks was Psychotic Delusion caused by Incident-Related Pain of the Gluteus Maximus. In other words, their feelings were hurt and they got butthurt.
Once that was over and I had a little freedom, I called my friend back and asked what kind of salvage job we had in front of us – I was hoping some of kind of ship or boat, something that would get me close to the water for a few days.
He didn’t answer, but his text was simple and to the point – we had been tasked carrying the wreckage of South Carolina’s season back to Columbia from Charlotte.
Dang Tar Heels, can’t trust ‘em. Now on to some picks.
ARMY AT MICHIGAN
I know that Michigan is once again (for the 43rd year in a row) a trendy pick to be relevant this season, but I don’t see it. You see, Michigan head coach Jim Harbaugh worries me. I first noticed it a few years ago and now I watch Wolverine games just to see it happen – Astral Projection. Or, an out of body experience. When things go bad at some point during each game, Harbaugh tilts his head to the sky, his body shudders, and his soul just leaves. Boom. The body is standing there, with the headset, and there is nobody home. Nothing behind the windows. The assistants and players look at each other, and they know. And they know a few minutes later he’ll be back. And sure enough, he snaps back to and starts coaching like nothing happened. That will happen a few times against a determined squad from West Point. MICHIGAN 27, ARMY 20
WEST VIRGINIA AT MISSOURI
The Mullet traded in the hillbillies for Houston and now I don’t even know who their coach is. I just know they aren’t going to be very good this season. As for Missouri, the Show Me Tigers entered the season with high hopes despite a postseason ban. A lot of those hopes died when a gang of Cowboys that live in the beautiful state of Wyoming lassoed a lot of passes and caused errant throws on defense while the offense ran at will on a team with supposed SEC speed. This out of conference week will go better. It has to. Right? MISSOURI 34, HILLBILLIES 20
CHARLESTON SOUTHERN AT SOUTH CAROLINA
The Gamecocks entered the season with high hopes, and many of those hopes were dashed Saturday when Carolina came back for a nice win to start the season. A noon game in Columbia isn’t conducive to a big crowd, and an overmatched opponent doesn’t help. What will help is that everybody’s favorite player – the backup quarterback – gets a start this week, as long as he keeps his feet away from lockers. Another key to his health will be learning to run, very fast, behind an offensive line that’s porous. That line’s best play is pointing as a defender runs by them and screaming, “There he goes!!!” as a word of warning to the QB. This one is in favor of the home team. NOT THE REAL CAROLINA OR USC 50, CHARLESTON SOUTHERN 10 (PS, tell the Gamecocks we dropped the wreckage of their season over by the Spurrier banner behind the stadium.)
TEXAS A&M AT CLEMSON
That’s a confident bunch heading to Death Valley this weekend. Bimbo Fisher likes to take his team in to away games two days before the game, and when the team boarded their plane this morning one of the jets went to max power accidentally. The noise was deafening, but one of their players quickly tweeted out that they play in Kyle Field and he barely noticed. Sure, bucko, sure. It was close last year in College Station and I don’t like the line this season. Little Bimbo always seems to keep things close, and I think the teams are kinda even in a lot of spots. The difference can be spelled out in three letters – ETN. CLEMSON 31, TEXAS A&M 23
BYU AT TENNESSEE
Dear Tennessee, you suck. The Jeremy Pruitt era has gotten off to a Rocky Top start (see what I did there), and two players have already jumped ship after the loss to Georgia State last week. That’s right, they lost to a program that wasn’t in existence a decade ago and plays its home games in an abandoned baseball stadium. BYU is the underdog here, but they play defense, and every one of their players is some 35-year old who has experience and knows how to play the game. This is my upset special. BYU 17, TENNESSEE 13
MIAMI AT CAROLINA
The Hurricanes looked lost last week, which seems to be a trend lately as Hurricanes just tend to wander all over the map. They aren’t playing a very tall but bad quarterback this week, instead playing the vertically-challenged Sam Howell and the Tar Heels. This one will be a battle for four quarters, and the difference will be the Hurricanes front seven – the Heels won’t be able to run the ball this week against an ACC defense like they did last week against that porous SEC defense, and it will be the difference, MIAMI 27, UNC 21