Pigskin Prophet: Replace the Grass Edition
|Thursday, September 6, 2018, 12:42 PM- -|
We wait all year for the start of college football and before you can blink it’s week two. Slow down!
The Pigskin Prophet has been busy in Columbia the last few weeks, making a little money off of our feathered friends. Wedding-Rice Stadium allowed some singer and her jet ski riding husband to hold a concert – attended by thousands of Uggs-wearing girls and Tom Brady – and it destroyed the grass.
I know what you’re thinking – usually, when you’re in Columbia and you hear the term “destroy the grass” in the same sentence as the Gamecock football program, you think about LivePD and getting rid of the evidence. In this case, it was actual grass.
The university hired a friend of mine to go into the stadium and take up all of the old sod and I tagged along. It wasn’t long before we realized we were in way over our heads – it was more like an archaeological dig than anything else. We found water bottles, liquor bottles, fossilized chicken droppings, parts of what looked like old shower curtains, curtain rods, and used fire extinguishers. We even reached a level filled with ancient ice called “doo doo ice.”
One thing we didn’t find? Championship trophies.
Now, on to this week’s picks and if you get your feelings hurt, I am not really sorry. This will be short, however, because week two features a lot of games that absolutely nobody cares about.
ARKANSAS ST. AT ALABAMA
Well, the Crimson Tide take a step up in competition this week (yeah, I went there) after dismantling Bobby Petrino’s volleyball squad last week in Orlando. SO QUIT ASKING ME ABOUT THE QUARTERBACKS!! I AM OLD AND ANGRY AND NOT MYSELF WHEN I’M HUNGRY! You’re welcome Snickers. ALABAMA 53, ARK ST 10
GEORGIA AT SOUTH CAROLINA
A lot of people seem to think this is going to be a close game. It might be, right up until the coin toss. See, college football games are won along the line of scrimmage, and Georgia has some big old fellers that know how to play and South Carolina has a bunch of kids that resemble turnstiles – everybody gets through. The leg humpers are young, and they might go pee on the fire extinguishers left over from when the cross-dressing chicken drops the shower curtain, but that is the only thing that will slow them down. DAWGS 34, CHICKENS 17
NORTH CAROLINA AT EAST CAROLINA
When does basketball start?
CLEMSON AT TEXAS A&M
Just when you thought some old Christmas tree had taken little Jimbo out of your life forever, he shows up on the schedule at Texas A&M. The Aggies have money, money, oil money, and more money. They also have some pretty spiffy facilities. What they don’t have are recent championships. They tied for a Big 12 South division title in 2010 but last won an outright conference title in 1998 in the Big 12. Before that, it was in 1993 in the old Southwest Conference. Fisher hopes to change that and a win over Clemson would be a good start. Would be. Won’t be. CLEMSON 31, AGGIES 16
DIRECTIONAL SCHOOL AT LSU
BUTWGHOPKJSHSSMNA GO TIGAHS!!!! LSU 44, DS 9
SAMFORD AT FSU
Hey Jimbo, come back!!! No, seriously, come back!!! We still have your tree!!!! FSU’s Willie Taggart labeled his offense “Lethal Simplicity.” Against Virginia Tech, we saw the simplicity but not the lethal. In fact, during the third quarter, I blanked out and had visions of Rob Spence. I woke up and checked to make sure Rob wasn’t back in Clemson. Maybe the Noles get more lethal this week. LAUGHABLE SIMPLICITY 43, SAMFORD AND SON 13
WESTEN MICHIGAN AT MICHIGAN
There were times during last Saturday's loss to Notre Dame that I worried about Jim Harbaugh. His mouth was agape so much I worried that bugs were going to get in. Then I realized that 1.) he wouldn't notice, and 2). after the booger eating incident, he probably wouldn't care. There were times when the expression went so blank I realized that his mind leaves his body at times, and snaps back into place a few minutes later. Thank goodness, the poor guy will get a win this week. KHAKI PANTS 31, W. MICHIGAN 9
PENN ST. AT PITT
Do you believe in upsets? Pitt has a history of winning games in which the Panthers are big underdogs, and if Penn St. had handled App St. with ease last week I would give them a chance. Instead, Penn St. had to go to overtime to beat the Neers, and it was a wakeup call. PENN ST. 30, PITT 21
TULSA AT TEXAS
Poor Texas. Losing at Maryland. I hope someone took Tom Herman to a strip club to get over his depression. TEXAS 38, TULSA 12