Pigskin Prophet: Officiating Complaints Edition
|Thursday, November 3, 2016, 4:02 PM- -|
How bad is the officiating in the ACC?
It’s so bad that the conference has created a position to handle the complaints, and yours truly has been hired to run the department. I started last week, and of course I had my hands full from the very start. It seems as if Louisville’s fans found out about the complaints, and the next thing you know we have a bunch of Cousin Eddie’s in 1970’s motorhomes pulling up out front with Cards fans spilling out in droves.
I tried to explain that the complaints department was only for coaches and university administrators and not fans, but that didn’t seem to faze The Walking Dead, who roamed around the countryside moaning about chain gangs, conspiracies and yard markers.
We got most of them out of the way by telling a lie – we told them that Lamar Jackson was dressed as Elvis and would be signing autographs at a local flea market, and the motorhomes disappeared long enough for me to get the office in order.
Then Monday came, and little Jimbo Fisher was there bright and early.
“They hurt my quarterback,” Fisher. “They hit him, and they did all kinds of Power Ranger stuff, and they sat their butts on his head, and they just kept hitting him. It ain’t right. And there was a block in the back and gosh darnit I am so angry I could spit. Please make those Clemson boys stop hitting so hard. Throw a penalty flag on them for hitting too hard.
“And another thing – one of them actually had the audacity to breathe on one of my receivers and they didn’t throw a flag. That was on the same play my quarterback got drilled!!! You need to change the rules and change them now to where my quarterback gets touched and not hit. It ain’t right goldurnit and I’m angry as heck.”
We settled the little feller down by giving him a video of Jameis Winston to watch.
Now if I can just get those Louisville fans away, because now we are starting to see mobile homes come in the parking lot….this can’t be good….
On to some picks…
OKLAHOMA AT IOWA STATE
It’s the Big 12, so OKLAHOMA 96, IOWA STATE 74
VANDERBILT AT AUBURN
Auburn has had a tough stretch of games to start this season, taking on powerhouse Clemson and the other powers in the SEC West. To give them a break, the SEC scheduled them a game against the SEC Least, which takes more hits than a Florida St. co-ed. Auburn wins this one easy. AUBURN 45, VANDY 13
LOUISVILLE AT BOSTON COLLEGE
The Cardinals play another nooner, and they are back on the road. Why? The theory I’ve heard on the Ville message boards and from the people driving Cousin Eddie around is that the guy who wrote the ACC scheduling program is a Clemson alum and wrote code that screws over Louisville. I’ve also heard that the Boston College student section has decided to delay Halloween a few days, and they are all going to dress up like yard markers, driving Card receiver James Quick to run routes into the stands, the concession areas and the press box. DARN YOU CLEMSON!!!! LOU-EVIL 42, BOSTON COLLEGE 23
UTSA AT MIDDLE TENNESSEE
I’ve joked about them long enough. I predict the Road Runners play it close before losing to a school that would win the SEC East. MTSU 38, WHOOOOO 27
MARYLAND AT MICHIGAN
Michigan continues to play the best schedule in the country (HAHAHAHA), slightly better than what South Carolina has played (snicker, snicker) by taking on Maryland. What I don’t understand is this…how did Michigan get 16 home games this season, and all of them against Sister Sadie Dinkins Sunday School Class? Yep, those Wolverines are for real alright. They have a decent player in Jabril Peppers, but he couldn’t carry Christian Wilkins’ Power Ranger costume, much less have the strength to carry his undergarments. Michigan wins again, because, you know, no competition. MEEECHEEEGAN 44, MARYLAND 12
SARAHCUSE AT CLEMZZZUN
I have no idea why the announcers at ESPN can’t pronounce the names of these two schools correctly. But be ready for a full day of SARAHCUSE and CLEMMZZZZUN all day Saturday as the nitwits who try to sound educated but just wind up sounding like Louisville fans or Jimbo Fisher call the day’s events. The ‘Cuse is better under Dino (no he wasn’t on the Flintstones) Babers but they will find it hard to stop Clemson’s offense, which is just now beginning to find its groove. Sarah loses, and loses big. CLEMSON 47, CUSE 24
FLORIDA ST. AND NC STATE
Dave Doeren has put a bounty on FSU’s quarterback, and has instructed his players to play dirty. Little Jimmy sees this early, and proceeds to throw a tantrum of epic proportions while Doeren continues to urge his defenders to take cheap shots. The Pack, getting over their bumbling ways of the past three weeks, find a spark in the fat kid who hangs on poles (who remembers him) while Jimbo continues to rant and rave about ACC officials. We knew this game would be different after NC State officials moved the Louisville motor homes out of the stadium parking lot (they thought it was a Wal Mart), and things get bad quick. This one will be fun to watch, just to see who implodes first. I’m betting on ole Dirty Dave. FSU 37, NCSU 23
MISSOURI AT SOUTH CAROLINA
South Carolina fans have been cute this week. They beat a struggling, injured and bad Tennessee team at home a week after beating the Richland County YMCA flag team, and now they think they’re good. The bad news for those of us who have to listen to the bird brains is that they get Missouri, another bad team in the worst division in college football. This one will be a barn burner – no chickens will be harmed but Will Muschamp might chew his own lip off – but South Carolina makes the plays at the end and beats a really, really, really, really bad Mizzou team. Did we mention they were both bad? CLUCKERS 14, MIZZOU 13 as Shreveport beckons….
AL-UH-BAMA AT LSU
LSU has been playing better under Mister Interim Head Coach Ed Orgeron. He’s opened up the offense and has these cats believing they can beat anybody. Meanwhile, Alabama continues to roll, mainly because they haven’t played anybody with a pulse except Texas A&M. The Tide is good, but they’ll get a battle under the lights in Deaf Valley. Bama wins, but it won’t be easy. HARVEY UPDYKES 30, LSU 27