Pigskin Prophet: Gamecock Mullet Festival Edition

Pigskin Prophet: Gamecock Mullet Festival Edition

by - Contributor -

The Pigskin Prophet is running a little later than usual this week because there really aren’t a lot of good games on Thursday this week.

There is a good one Friday, however, as the ACC continues to battle high school football for ratings domination by forcing one of its marquee teams to play on a Friday, up north, in a small stadium in front of fans who care more about hockey than college football. It’s what the ACC does.

I am thrilled that we are back to football this week. Last week was brutal, and I’ll tell you why. My transportation service was contacted by a gentleman out of Columbia, who wanted to know if we could transport him, his wife, his girlfriend and several of his friends to the Mullet Festival in Florida. The Mullet Festival is held each year in Niceville (I kid you not), and this gentleman had an idea that he would win King Mullett and his wife or girlfriend would win Queen. Why? Because they have spectacular mullets – even the women – that are better than Oklahoma St.’s head coach.

Needing the money, I took the contract.

We hit the road, and I learned fairly quickly that they were all South Carolina fans (they proudly wore their Stephen Garcia jerseys, with the famous t-shirt underneath that said “My **** is Smelley) and were heading to the festival because it was the open week.

The gentleman who made the contract was convinced that his girlfriend would win the Miss Mullet Pageant without any problems (her beard was also spectacular).

We arrived in Florida, my mullet crew jumped out of the van and….they were all disappointed to find out that last week’s mullet festival was all about the fish and not the hairstyle. Apparently, the local area got its start as mullet fishing grounds.

They didn’t win any prizes, and it was a long ride back to Columbia. But they are confident they will beat Vanderbilt, who is not much better or better at all than Bama.

On to the picks:



It’s gotten so bad at FSU that Little Jimbo Fisher is asking fans to either come out of the stands a fight him, coach the defense, play offensive line or coach the quarterbacks. That’s never a good thing because I’ve seen some of those Seminole women. They are all plastic surgery and attitude and mean. The Eagles are playing well and have won three out of four, and they think they can beat the Noles in front of six or seven hundred thrilled hockey fans. Except they won’t. FSU 27, BC 20



Speaking of mullets, the current Mullet Master takes his team to the hills of West Virginny to take on the Original Mullet in a battle of offenses. The Cowboys have not been as good on offense as of late, but they will get better in a hurry against the Kissing Cousins defense. It won’t be a typical Big 12 shootout – six-shooters and muskets don’t bring a lot of firepower to the table – but it will be fun. SIX-SHOOTERS 42, MUSKETS 28


Wake Forest had Louisville on the ropes last season, even though the Cardinals had stolen play sheets and volleyball players from the Deacs. The Cardinals aren’t better this season, the Deacons are better, and ……….will still lose. The Deacons won’t be able to contain Lamar Jackson, who plays well unless it’s a big game or it counts for something. LOUISVILLE 31, WAKE 20


This is the best matchup of the week. The Nittany Lions held a Whiteout last week and erased Michigan from the Big Ten race (snicker, snicker). This week they get to take on Rural Meyer and the Bucknuts, who can win games against any team that isn’t good but struggle against good competition. Well, the Lions are good. Really good. They also have perhaps the nation’s best player. The Bucknuts do not. The Horseshoe is gonna get bent out of shape. PENN ST. 27, BUCKNUTS 17


Ahh, the race to be the tallest midget, also known as the SEC East. Florida is very average and has made a living off of beating average or bad teams, also known as the SEC East. Georgia is actually better and will win the East this year, breaking the reign of Shark Boy. Georgia somehow finds a way to lose this game, even when they are better, but that won’t happen this year. Not with Shark Boy calling the plays. GEORGIA 24, FLORIDA 12


Fighting Irish fans did well last week in not selling all of their tickets to USC fans, and the Irish came away with a dominating win. Of course, USC is in the PAC 12, which is like the SEC East, just out West. This week, the Irish get the Fighting Doerens, who might be looking ahead to GameDay and a matchup with Clemson next week. But here is where things get funky – I think the Irish are the better team. Any team that loses to South Carolina has to have holes somewhere, and the Irish start a nice two-game losing streak for Dave and his pack of canines. IRISH 27, PACK 20


Does anyone really care? The Gamecocks have done well because they have the easiest schedule in the country, tackling Sister Sadie Dinkins and her Sunday School class each week. They also barely win those games, and this week will be more of the same. The fans fight pregame. The bathrooms get filled with crap. A cross-dressing chicken pops out from behind a shower curtain. The band plays a movie song. The other team scores. The fans leave. Women shoot birds. A vermin-infested yard bird crows. Muschamp pops an eyeball out of his head. The fans fight or have relations after (it’s the same thing down there). We’ve seen it all before. CHICKENS 13, VANDY 10


Hey, Clemson gets a night game at home instead of in a two-car garage in Syracuse!! The Tigers are wounded and feeling a little nasty after losing at woeful Syracuse (think South Carolina with a good quarterback) two weeks ago. The Yellow Jackets will pay the price as Brent Venables’ defense comes out with a super-sized bottle of bee spray, leaving Paul Johnson looking more sour than normal. Clemson wins, easier than people think. CLEMSON 30, JACKETS 14

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