Pigskin Prophet: Columbia bottle throwin', coach hirin', shrubbery edition

Pigskin Prophet: Columbia bottle throwin', coach hirin', shrubbery edition

by - Contributor -

This…has been the most incredible college football week of the year, and I am about to make so much money I can ditch the Burger King coupons for a few weeks.

Let’s dive right in. We had moderate success running a protection agency for Clemson fans last weekend in Columbia, and to my surprise, most of the South Carolina fans were well-behaved when it comes to Clemson fans. If you’ve seen the videos, they once again did all of the fighting and parking lot fornicating amongst themselves. They were destroying defenseless tables and running away from cops on horses while littering the urban blight that is Williams-Brice.

Once we got inside the stadium, however, the story changed. The student section decided that they were mad – mostly because none of them could get into either Greenville Tech or Clemson and had to settle for Columbia. They were also mad because Clemson did this thing called “Victory Walk.”

Here, I will let one student describe the horror that he saw:

“So, like, we were, like, sitting there in the stands going over our like, snowflake ratings,” said Wilmington Kincaid “Buttermilk” Fincannon of Camden. “And then these really big guys created this, like, army, and they started, like, marching, on the student section. They were, like, growling and screaming and cursing and they were armed with all kinds of weapons. Their coach was, like, pointing at us, and like, yelled charge and they were flipping us the bird, and like, coming over the hedges and grabbing kids and eating them and grabbing kids by the hair and dragging them down the steps. So, like, we did the only thing we could do and threw water bottles. We had to, like, defend ourselves. We knew they would, like, do something, because Dabo is scared to death of Will Muschamp.”

There ya go, the explanation of water bottles from a student. Oh, the humanity!!!

So, now we have a job cleaning up all the plastic and glass bottles discarded by the students Saturday night. We’ve also cleaned up a lot of towels, and we’ll be sending those overseas in a care package. But our services don’t stop there……we were contacted by Auburn to clean out THEIR hedges (why do SEC schools all have hedges?)

They had a lot of people get stuck in the shrubbery (Monty Python, lol) last weekend, so our crew headed down there yesterday to look for lost items. What we found was incredible – six sorority girls, two grown men in overalls, 43 iPhones, a dog, nine cats, an eagle with ruffled feathers, and Gus Malzahn. It ain’t pretty down there.

Finally, there is no truth to the rumor that I am taking the job of head coach at Tennessee. After my momma turned them down, she suggested that Sister Sadie Dinkins of the Ware Shoals First Baptist Church Ladies Auxiliary would be a good choice, cause she’s better than Butch Jones. But they didn’t like Sister Dinkins cause she’s Nick Saban’s auntie on his cousin Gerald’s side of the family. They keep calling, and I ain’t answering…..

Now on to some picks.


You know times are hard at FSU when your head coach leaves you for what many consider a lesser job and you have to schedule Duck Dynasty just so you can be bowl eligible. That isn’t a good look for the Seminoles, who were ranked No. 2 before the season started and were picked to not only win the ACC but contend for the College Football Playoff. Somewhere along the way, the spear broke, which is maybe karma for a white kid playing a Seminole and riding a horse like he’s a Native American of the Great Plains. But I digress….the ‘Noles are still talented enough to beat Uncle Si and the rest of the beards, and they will be bowl eligible, and Bobby Bowden will have to come out of retirement to coach the bowl game. Yikes. FSU 42, UNCLE SI 9


Good old Baker Mayfield, this year’s Jameis Winston. Old Baker doesn’t steal crabs – he has plenty of his own, which is why he grabs himself – but he’s still a character. The Sooners have a chance to put the earlier loss to Iowa St. and their LB-QB behind them and clinch a berth in the College Football Playoff. Baker will run around and scream and jump and run his hands through his luxuriant hair after taking his helmet off about 97 times (we get it, you schmuck) and the Sooners will score. But this is a tough test, and it won’t be as easy as people think. OKLAHOMA 26, TCU 23


Georgia is about as one-dimensional as Will Muschamp’s personality, but they win games. This week they get the hottest team in the nation, whose fans are still coming out of the shrubbery (lol, Monty Python again). The Tigers-Chipmunks-Eagles or whatever they are will be without Carryon Luggage Johnson, their best player, and that will make this week’s game a little closer than the Smackdown in the Shrubbery of a few weeks ago. They are playing in the new stadium in Atlanta, and both teams will run around for the first quarter looking for the shrubbery, but once they get going it will be a fantastic game. Every week I call the upset, and I’ve been right (last week Auburn over Bama, Auburn over GA a few weeks ago) and this week I am calling another one. DAWGS 23, AUBURN 20


Oh boy. This is one to watch. Urban Outfitters Meyer hasn’t been very good in big games lately, and this is what one would call a big game. If Wisconsin wins, they punch their ticket to the Playoff. If Urban Outfitters win, they MIGHT get into the playoff. Lot at stake here. Wisconsin, like Georgia, is also very one-dimensional but they are good at that one thing. The Buckeyes aren’t really good at one thing – except losing to Clemson – and I have a sneaky feeling the Badgers are gonna get all angry and crunch the Buckeyes, forcing Urban to wonder if it’s time to have another breakdown. WISCONCIOUS 27, BUCKNUTS 20


Ah, this game pits Fake Bling (turnover chain) against Real Bling (championship trophy). The Hurricanes had a great season, even though most of their games were played in the state of Florida in front of hundreds of fans. When they left the state, they struggled. Well, they have to leave the state again, and it will cold Saturday night in Charlotte. The turnover chain will freeze and the fake jewels will fall off while most of their players hide under the heaters. I just have a feeling this won’t be pretty. It will be ugly, like the strippers who used to attend Hurricane team functions. Tigers get to the Playoff. CLEMSON 30, MIAMI 16

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