Pigskin Prophet: Bad fans at South Carolina edition
|Thursday, October 12, 2017, 5:01 PM- -|
Goodness, gracious. What a week to be a fan of the University of South Carolina.
The Gamecocks have taken advantage of an early-season schedule that is softer than Justin Bieber and have a 4-2 record. This weekend, they take on Sister Sadie Mae Dinkins’ Rocky Top Baptist Church Women’s Bible Class in Knoxville and should once again coast to an easy win over the Life Champions.
But they are getting the wrong kind of attention down in Columbia, which isn’t surprising because, you know, Columbia.
In case you missed it, two members of their illustrious fan base got caught doing something a little different in the stands last weekend. I can’t mention it here, but it adds to the lore that is South Carolina football. Whether it’s toilets not working, soccer moms cussing out opposing players while flipping the finger, fans getting busy at tailgates or members of their Greek society shedding their shirts to take part in a brawl, they are known for taking it down about two or three notches.
Heck, most of those people have less class than a UNC athlete enrolled in AFAM Studies (haha, tickled myself on that one).
But I digress, it’s time for some picks. And if you get offended, tell Crump to take away my Burger King coupons.
CLEMSON AT SYRACUSE
Dabo Swinney takes his Tigers to somewhere in New York to take on Syracuse, whose mascot is either named after a color or a fruit. I can’t figure out which. Swinney’s monsters on defense are a pack of slobbering dogs, and they love the taste of oranges. I know, it’s weird that the defending national champs have to play Friday, but welcome to the world of Swofford, where nothing really makes sense except protecting North Carolina and it’s fine academic reputation (lol, got myself there, too.) CLEMSON 33, SYRACUSE 10
FLORIDA ST. AT DUKE
Raise your hand if you predicted Duke would have a better record than FSU at this point of the season. Put your hand down. We know you didn’t. The Noles have been battling a porous offensive line and the injury bug and have stumbled to a 1-3 start. This week, they travel to Wallace Wade Cameron Outdoor Stadium, where there will be tens and tens of people wanting to see this matchup. Even injured, they are still better than Duke. FSU 27, DUKE 17
SOUTH CAROLINA AT TENNESSEE
The Gamecocks take their traveling burlesque show (lol, got myself again) to Knoxville for a battle of SEC East supremacy (yep, shot Dr Pepper out my nose on that one) against Butch Jones and his leadership repping Volunteers. Things are not good on Rocky Top these days, and the Gamecocks’ 49-year old quarterback (Jake Bentley, who is supposed to be in kindergarten) will flop his way all over Neyland Stadium for the win. With South Carolina, there is a lot of flopping. If you know what I mean. FLOPPERS 27, LEADERSHIP REPS 17
AUBURN AT LSU
The Tigers Chipmunks Plainsmen War Eagle People travel to Battwan Rooge for a day game in Deaf Valley. The Cajun Tigers play really well at night in their home stadium, but are not so good in the daytime. This one will be no exception…Gus Malzahn has Auburn playing at a high level, at least for an SEC team, and they pick up another win. After the game, LSU head coach Ed Orgeron will exclaim, “Don be dat fat you es on da bayou wit dem Allbarn on es que fo da.” I have no idea what that means, and neither does Ed, but he’s sincere about it. AUBURN 30, LSU 16
GEORGIA TECH AT MIAMI
The police were called to downtown Atlanta earlier this week. Turns out a bunch of big kids from Georgia Tech were walking downtown and causing ACL tears on unsuspecting citizens. Turns out, it’s just another practice for Pawwwwwl John-uns offensive line. The Yellow Jackets have played well against a bunch of nobodies, but the kids from South Beach are on a roll. They’ve also handled Tech well in recent years, and all the rolling and falling won’t help Saturday. MIAMI 30, TECH 23
OKLAHOMA VS. TEXAS
Ah, it’s The Red River Rivalry game. Oklahoma got Baker Mayfielded last week when Iowa St. planted their flag (it’s a picture of a corn field) on the soil in Norman. Texas has overcome a sluggish start and thinks they have a chance to beat the Sooners this weekend. If Oklahoma had won last weekend, I would give them a shot, but the Sooners lost and they’ll be out to make someone pay. That someone will be the Longhorns. But it will be close all the way. SOONERS 34, TEXAS 27
VANDERBILT AT OLE MISS
Hahahaha you didn’t really think this game mattered, did you? It’s the SEC for crying out loud. Call Mama Nkemdiche if you care.
ARKANSAS AT ALABAMA
The Paul Fineboom Special. The only question is how many Alabama will score. They will score a lot. Like, a lot. A bunch. As in not close. At all. ALABAMA 52, ARKANSAS 7
MISSOURI AT GEORGIA
Kirby Smart has kept his players out of jail and they are playing well, but they’ve also taken advantage of a super-easy schedule. This week is no different as they host Missouri, a team that gets scored on more than, well, you know…..anyway, this is just another SEC East mismatch between The Haves (Georgia) and The Have Nots (everybody but Georgia). GEORGIA 48, MISSOURI 9