Pigskin Prophet - Week 5

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Ladies and gentlemen, I may have a new job. For far too long, I have had to live off of the AOL and Burger King coupons that Crump gives me as payment for helping him out, but I found out late last week that I might actually have the chance to go and play Division I football.

See, I am a big guy, and I heard that Georgia Tech head coach Paul Johnson gives scholarships to fat guys, and the only requirement is that you have to be able to fall on your belly. A lot.

With that in mind, I decided to take this past Saturday and go on an “official visit” at the UNC and Georgia Tech game. Some thoughts – I really thought it was kind of cool that 60 or 70 students actually dropped their compass and protractor sets and attended a football game. Well, some of them left them at home. One of them actually threw a compass at UNC quarterback Bryn Renner, but in true Yellow Jacket fashion missed the mark and hit me instead. Those things hurt. I wonder if Logan Thomas has a brother that attends Georgia Tech?

Anyway, I watched the game, and they were right. To play on the offensive line for Paul, all you have to be able to do is fall down and try and tear someone’s ACL as soon as the ball is snapped. In fact, I haven’t seen so many fat guys laying on their bellies since the police busted a meth ring at a local Krispy Kreme a few weeks back.

I will let you know how it goes, because Tech plays Tech this week and I plan to be there. On to the picks, and remember, it’s all in fun.



Before you ask, yes I heard the rumors that Logan Thomas was allowed to fly the team plane from Blacksburg to Atlanta, but landed in Birmingham. Yep, the kid just isn’t accurate at all. The good news for Hokies fans is that Bud Foster has VT playing decent run defense – they are ranked 15th nationally – and they might actually keep Paul’s offense in check at least some of the time. The bad news is that Thomas likes to throw the ball to different-colored jerseys. This one should be fun to watch, but if you get bored, take a drink every time Johnson look like he has bad gas or the announcers talk about Thomas’ height. FAT KIDS LAYING ON BELLIES 27, INACCURATE THOMAS 20.


I really want to see Jadeveon Clowney play a full game, and he has had two weeks to trim all of his hang nails, drink plenty of Pepto Bismol, have a cortisone injection into his dreads and all of his cavities filled. Now, whether he has stayed away from Krispy Kreme or not, we don’t know. South Carolina has the better athletes in this one – the hotel prices are better in Columbia – but don’t count out George O’Leary’s squad. The Knights squashed Akron, which almost beat Michigan, and then went up to Used to Be Happy Valley and beat Penn St. This one might be closer than you think, and the old Nut Case might have to throw his visor a time or seven before his team settles in. VISOR THROWERS 30, KNIGHTS 24


Shockingly enough, the jails around Baton Rouge and Athens have both been devoid of college football players this fall, and both teams should field fairly healthy and complete squads in what shapes up to be a big showdown in the SEC. LSU has a lot of defensive talent, but they are young, and Georgia can say the same thing. In fact, both offenses might have the upper hand at times, and the entire second half might just take seven hours to play because of all the defenders who are littering the field with “injuries.” It could be the Krispy Kreme bust all over again with the amount of bodies lying all over the field. This one could look like a Civil War battle re-enactment. There might be more big bodies flopping here than we see at a Duke basketball game. Or at a Georgia Tech football game. The big difference here is that Mark Richt hasn’t made as many dumb game decisions as Les is More Miles. DAWGS 31, TIGERS 28.


Now is not the time to overlook just how good the Seminoles are. I was very impressed with their win over Sister Sadie Dinkins Sunday School Bible Class, and they further impressed me the next week with their win over Muirfield Retirement Village. Last week was the clincher, however, when they knocked off West Oak High School’s C Team. Jimbo Fisher showed his fire as a coach when one of his running backs ran over a 7th grader and he gave a fist bump to Ron Cherry. LITTLE JIMBO 31, BOSTON COLLEGE 20.


Let’s be honest. Wake gave Clemson a scare two years ago, but this team isn’t quite as good as that one. The Deacons have little Nikita Whitlock (however, he is taller than Jimbo Fisher) manning the middle of the defense, and he could be in for a long day trying to chase Tajh BoydTajh Boyd
RS Sr. Quarterback
#10 6-1, 225
Hampton, VA

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and Clemson’s receivers. For the Tigers, the key will be keeping all of their players from throwing punches or making gestures after touchdowns, after which they promptly go sit in Dabo SwinneyDabo Swinney
Head Coach
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’s doghouse. As long as everybody behaves, this one won’t be close. TIGERS 45, DEACONS 17.


How do you even pick this one? The Best Team That Money Can Buy versus The Best Coach That Money Can Buy. However, all of Hugh Freeze’s recent purchases are still fairly new, while Nick Saban has had his cast and crew around and playing in big games for a while. Unless Freeze finds a way to introduce the bagman to referee Tom Ritter, this one will be a double digit loss. Oh yeah, and A.J. McCarron is really, really good. And his girlfriend is hot. BAMMER 35, BAGMEN 20.


Yuck. Just…..yuck. Couldn’t pay me to watch this crap. GATORS 11, KENTUCKY 3.

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