Pigskin Prophet - Week 10


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Welcome back to another edition of the Pigskin Prophet, the article I get to write in between the odd jobs I have to do to make ends meet.

Oh sure, Crump paid me double the number of Burger King coupons this week, but now that BK is serving Cinnabon, the wife is beginning to look a lot like my mother-in-law. That, my friends, is not a good thing. I had to add an extra shock on the car just so the car would move.

The odd job I found this week was “sitting” with senior adults, something that was easy when I just had Harvey, an older gentleman who really didn’t require a lot of effort on my part. The real challenge came when Mrs. Spurrier brought Steve by for me to watch while she went shopping, and he was no walk in the park.

Harvey makes birdhouses in his spare time, and every time Harvey would try and show me something he was working on, Steve would throw his visor and say, “Hey Prophet!! Look at me!!! I won a Heisman!!!”

I would nod and let him know I had seen him, but that was never enough. I tried to field a telephone call at one point, and Steve just kept standing in front of me, dancing and twirling, trying to get my attention. I really don’t think his momma breast fed that boy.

Things got worse when someone dropped Lou Holtz off at my house, and Steve went off and stood in a corner, every once in a while looking back and telling Lou, “I won more games at Florida than you did at Arkansas, and my South Carolina teams are better than yours.” Then he would turn around and sulk in the corner again.

Excuse me for just a second, I have to go wipe Lou’s chin…..

Ok, I’m back, let’s get to the games, and remember, it’s all in fun.

THURSDAY

VIRGINIA TECH AT MIAMI (FL) – Frank Beamer takes his Heisman Trophy caliber quarterback with him for a trip to south Florida, where they will take on the Miami Hurricanes. Things haven’t gone well in Hokieville this season, and a large part of that is because Logan Thomas [he’s so tall!!!!] can’t tell the difference between his receivers and the opposing team’s cornerbacks. The good news for him is that Miami has struggled on defense at times [someone please get those boys a limo and some strippers, they’ll play better], and Thomas could have the breakout game that Heather Dinich has been praying for……VIRGINIA TECH 30, MIAMI 27

OPEN

SOUTH CAROLINA VS. OPEN DATE – The Gamecocks have an open week, which is why I’m babysitting Steve. It’s also a good chance for Connor Shaw to heal and Jadaveon Clowney to catch up on his school work.....yeah, I’m not buying that last one either. COLUMBIA PD 10 arrests, SCAR 0 homework assignments turned in.

SATURDAY

CLEMSON AT DUKE – The Tigers travel up to Durham to take on the Blue Devils, who actually lead the ACC’s Coastal Division. No, that wasn’t supposed to be funny. It’s the truth. I swear. Duke officials are actually asking all Clemson fans who drive pickup trucks (Duke fans don’t drive trucks) to bring them up to Durham and get in free to the game – all you have to do is park your truck in the endzone and turn on the lights and leave them on all game so players and coaches will be able to see. The administration was supposed to upgrade the light system, but Mike Krzyzewski took the allotted funds and gave it his favorite charity – White Kids Who Can’t Dunk. This one is easy, lights or no lights…CLEMSON 52, DUKE 20

MISSOURI AT FLORIDA – You have to figure that Florida is going to win this game, but let’s be honest, their offense is abysmal. Heck, Logan Thomas might start for Florida (at tight end, of course). Florida’s offense looked horrific against Georgia last week, a week after looking just okay against South Carolina. Missouri has yet to find any kind of offensive answers, and they are now fondly looking back at the halcyon Big 12 days when they could play Iowa St., Kansas and Texas Tech every year, and missed out on playing West Virginia’s defense this year. Maybe the Gators’ defense can score enough to win….FLORIDA 16, MISSOURI 6

TROY AT TENNESSEE – Tennessee came close to knocking off South Carolina last week in Columbia, passing all over South Carolina’s vaunted defense (snicker, snicker). This week, Derek Dooley and his special orange pants actually get a game they can win….ROCKY TOP 42, TROY 20

GEORGIA TECH AT MARYLAND – There are exactly ZERO big-time quarterbacks in this game. The pro scouts will not be looking on, I can guarantee you that. Maryland has seen approximately 24 quarterbacks tear their ACL’s this season, and Georgia Tech has Paul Johnson’s recruits. This one won’t be pretty. The Terrapins are starting a freshman linebacker at quarterback, and Randy Edsall made sure he got on the phone with Frank Beamer earlier this week to find out what kind of offense you run when a linebacker or tight end [HE’S SO TALL!!!!] have to play quarterback. The good news is that Maryland gets to face Georgia Tech’s defense, which has been as bad as Florida’s offense. GA. TECH 28, MARYLAND 21

TCU AT WEST VIRGNIA – West Virginia was actually outscored 104-28 over its previous two games, and still managed to hang on to a top 25 ranking. Heck, that makes almost as much sense as the BCS, where an SEC team loses to the worst SEC team by sixteen touchdowns and rises four spots. The Mullet has had two weeks to get his team ready for another game, but unfortunately, he wasn’t able to recruit any defensive players in the interim. I heard he wanted to go see a psychiatrist, but all of the couches within a 60-mile radius of the campus had already been burned. MULLETS 38, TCU 33

OLE MISS AT GEORGIA – Mark Richt’s program got a big win last week, and simply needs to keep winning. Unfortunately, though, quarterback Aaron Murray has been spending time at Logan Thomas’ house and now completes as many passes to opposition as he does to his own guys, who are usually suspended. Yeah, that SEC East is pretty special (snicker). GEORGIA 40, OLE MISS 20

TEXAS AT TEXAS TECH – Mack Brown can’t win a relevant game, and Tommy Tuberville can’t win games he is supposed to win. Not sure what happens here, but Texas has really cute cheerleaders. Unfortunately, a lot of them play for the defense. TEXAS TECH 40, TEXAS 31

BOSTON COLLEGE AT WAKE FOREST – I can give you a very good reason to watch this game…..Actually, I can’t. WAKE FOREST 28, BOSTON COLLEGE 24

UTSA AT LOUISIANA TECH – WHO???????????????????? TECH 50, UTSA 21

OREGON AT SOUTHERN CAL – Southern Cal has been busy preparing for the Ducks and whatever uniform combination they wear this week in the best way possible.. No, they haven’t been hard at work on the practice field. Lane Kiffin has had his father, Monte Kiffin, sending all kinds of letters and making phone calls to the league office accusing Oregon of cheating in the hopes he can get them on probation. The bad news, Monte is a little confused (I sit with him next week) and sends all of his correspondence to John Swofford. OREGON 45, SOUTHERN CAL 30

NEW MEXICO ST. AT AUBURN – Much like Derek Dooley, Gene Chizik finally gets a game he can win (SEC, SEC, SEC). Things have not gone well for Auburn this season, and I have to go back to the preseason when he made his players wear those girlie pants during practice. Word on the street is that Bobby Petrino has been seen hanging around the Auburn volleyball offices the past few weeks, looking for another “recruiting supervisor.” This week, however, Chizik comes up with a new slogan that helps his team get over the hump – Taste the Rainbow….AUBURN 9, NEW MEXICO ST. 6

TULSA AT ARKANSAS – Another GREAT SEC team has to go outside of the conference in order to bolster their image, hosting Tulsa. Unfortunately, the pig girl is now cheating on Arkansas with Marcus Lattimore after she was fired from the local Wal-Mart. Her betrayal, however, might be enough to get the win. WAL-MART 38, TULSA 24

In case you missed it - the original classic

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