Pigskin Prophet: Put out that dumpster fire edition


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Pigskin Prophet: Put out that dumpster fire edition

I am not saying things are bad in Columbia, but………

After a few weeks of traveling across the region trying to help out various SEC and ACC schools – they were tired and hot and without soap – I fully expected to get a call to travel to Notre Dame after several of their players developed some kind of narcolepsy last week at Georgia.

Yep, you read that right. Georgia would be on a drive and BOOM!!!! A Notre Dame player would fall asleep in the middle of the field and play would have to be held up. Heck, one Notre Dame player even helped his teammate’s narcolepsy by grabbing by him by the shoulders and shoving him to the ground.

My hope is that they get those boys some help. But no, I wasn’t called to Notre Dame, I was called to Columbia by a friend who needs a helping hand. My friend worked as a 911 operator in Richland County and she received a call last Monday from a person “near Williams-Brice Stadium” who wanted to report a fire.

She asked what kind of fire was in progress, and this person who only gave the name Boomer Spurzup, told her there were several dumpsters on fire at the football offices. She, of course, dispatched several units to the fairgrounds area so they could put out the fires.

Of course, we can all see it. We can see what happened. But she isn’t a football fan – she prefers equestrian or bass fishing – and she was fired for not seeing through the fact that it was a prank call.

Dumpster fire indeed. C’mon WiLLL, you’re better than that. Now on to some picks.

FRIDAY

DUKE AT VIRGINIA TECH

Hey, didn’t you used to be Virginia Tech football? The Sandman has indeed entered the Hokie Stone halls at Virginia Tech and the football program has been asleep for more than a few years. Both teams are 2-1 and look to use this game as a springboard to move up in the ACC Coastal. The Hokies are favored and usually Vegas knows what it is doing, but this Tech team hasn’t shown me they can stop the pass or the run or even tackle. That is a dangerous combo against David Cutcliffe and the Dookies. DUKE 34, VT 30

SATURDAY

RUTGERS AT MICHIGAN

Can someone please explain to me why Michigan is still ranked? WHY???? They are slow. They can’t run. They can’t score points. They can’t tackle. But Captain Khaki Pants is the coach so they must be good?? Good grief. Didn’t you used to be Michigan football? At least they can win this week. MICHIGAN 38, RUTGERS 16

TEXAS A&M AT ARKANSAS

Hey, didn’t you used to be….good?? Both of these programs have gotten off to rough starts. Our good friend Chad Morris has a big job ahead of him in trying to rebuild Arkansas, but losses to schools like San Jose St. aren’t going to help the fans patience. In fact, Morris has NEVER beaten a Power Five school, not at SMU and not at Arkansas. Little Jimbo has more of a grace period, but there are already cracks starting to show in College Station. Someone has to win, and it won’t be Chad. JIMBO 38, CHAD 17

CLEMSON AT UNC

If you are a Clemson fan, please make sure you get to Kenan Stadium early for some of college football’s best tailgating (hahahahahaha). Make sure to buy a parking pass and park near the Volvo or BMW of Parker and Bethany and interact with their kids, a precocious bunch named Winnie Rose, Evans Theodore, and Bronson. Bronson is already a cutie at the age of 7, with little lawyer business cards that threaten to sue everybody and he wears his natty little sweater over his shoulders, and his little boat shoes are the perfect accessory for his Oxford shirt. They will ALL be drinking wine. The football game? Not close. CLEMSON 48, UNC 13

NC STATE AT FLORIDA ST.

Hey, didn’t you used to be FSU football? I am hoping that the FSU players are hydrated properly because this one could be fun. Look, neither one of these teams are particularly good and when the FSU defense is involved anything can happen. Part of me wonders whether NC State can pull off the upset but then I remember that West Virginia ran over and through the Pack defense. In a shootout….FSU 34, PACK 31

KENTUCKY AT SOUTH CAROLINA

Kentucky’s starting quarterback is out for the season and the backup is really banged up. That helps out the South Carolina defense, which is taking classes this week on Football 101 and the fact that when you tackle someone, you actually take them to the ground. The Wildcats have had the Gamecocks’ number over the last five seasons (hasn’t everybody), beating them like the rest of the ACC beats them. This one will be close, and there is a part of me that thinks South Carolina can right the ship and beat the Wildcats. And then I remember they can’t tackle and WiLLL Muschamp is still the coach. KENTUCKY 26, WiLLL 23

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