Pigskin Prophet: Gamecocks and Trees and Machine Shops edition

by Pigskin Prophet - Contributor - Fri Jul 17 08:29:51 GMT-04:00 2020

Look, there isn’t any other way to say it. Next season is going to be the weirdest on record and the weirdest prognosticator is going to get an early jump on things.

The Pigskin Prophet has been busy dodging bullets and drug sales and mosquitoes in Columbia for weeks, trying to earn that elusive paycheck. I will try and get you caught up before I let you know what I am hearing about the nation’s most prestigious programs and the University of South Carolina.

Gamecock athletic supporters (hehehehe) have come to the realization that their tailgating areas leave a lot to be desired. Let’s face it, you can’t compare the fairgrounds in the middle of industrial waste to a place like The Grove at Ole Miss or the beautiful spots on Clemson’s campus or even some of the gorgeous spots at places like NC State or UNC.

It just doesn’t compare.

So one of the biggest athletic supporters (hehehehe) stormed into Ray Tanner’s office during the spring and threw down pictures of other schools’ tailgates and said, and I quote, “Dangit to all tarnation Ray, those other places have TREES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

It didn’t take Tanner long to realize that the gameday atmosphere around Williams-Brice leaves something to be desired, so he contacted us and asked how much it would cost to plant several hundred trees around the fairgrounds. We gave him a price, but he quickly learned he isn’t allowed to plant trees on the property so he came with another ingenious idea – trees on trailers, just like porta-potties.

That’s right, we would haul 700 trees onto the lots on the Friday before a game and then remove them at halftime of those games when all the fans head home.

However, once word began to leak out about the idea of adding trees to the gameday equation, some of the bigger athletic supporters (hahahaha) for the Cocks began to make their presence known. One mullet-wearing fan wrote a stern email demanding that things stay the way they are.

“Dear Mr. Tanner, we don’t want no trees,” the letter stated. “My granddaddy, who just turned 42, tailgated at many of those machine shops and he loves the smell of grease. My daddy, who just celebrated his 28th birthday, also loves the ability to buy recreational substances on the cheap from the private citizens there, so please don’t take away what makes us South Carolina.”

For now, the trees are on hold as Tanner tries to figure out who to please.

Now, onto what is happening around the country, and please don’t get your feelings hurt. It’s all in fun.

MICHIGAN

Head coach Jim Harbaugh has had a hard time during the pandemic. He’s not allowed to spend the night with any of the recruits, and after spring practice was canceled, he was forced to spend time with his wife and kids and it turns out they don’t like him very much, either. As a result, he has been spending a lot of time at his office, pretending he’s at recruit houses. The AD stopped by one day last week to inform him that the Big 10 was going to a conference-only schedule this season, and Harbaugh was thrilled.

“YES!!! Now we don’t have to play Ohio State,” he said. He was quickly informed that the Buckeyes are indeed in the Big 10, and he pulled off his white t-shirt and khaki pants and threw them on the floor, crawled under his desk and said he wasn’t coming out until the Buckeyes were off the schedule.

As far as we know, he’s still there.

OHIO STATE

The Buckeyes have spent the majority of the offseason adding salve to their hindquarters after yet another striping by Clemson. They know their only chance to make the CFP is to stay undefeated, so their AD worked really hard at making sure the game at Oregon in early September was canceled. Meanwhile, they’ve also realized that while schools like Clemson can host a recruiting weekend pretty much any day of the year, they can’t. They are trying to get the NCAA to change the rules to where prospects can only visit campuses during the time of year when it’s actually nice in Columbus – September 19th and 20th of each year. We will see how that goes. Meanwhile, a lot has happened since the last time the Buckeyes defeated Clemson in football. Oh wait, that’s right, they’ve never beaten Clemson in football.

UNC

The Tar Heels have actually had a good offseason because now their kids don’t have to go to class and have a good excuse for it. Mack Brown and company have been hot on the recruiting trail even though people have to tell Mack that he’s still the head coach and that he has a season to prepare for. Can they take that next step and be a major player in the ACC? Heck, as long as their kids don’t have to go to class and it’s okay with the NCAA, anything can happen.

SOUTH CAROLINA

Add Will Muschamp to the list of people who aren’t sure what to think about the conference-only schedule. He interrupted one of Tanner’s trees meetings to protest the out of conference games the Gamecocks would be losing, which included such luminaries as Wofford, East Carolina, and Coastal Carolina. In his mind, he would be losing three of the five wins his team would have had this season, but Tanner quickly reminded him about recent losses to The Citadel and Appalachian St., and Muschamp quietly relented. Tanner then dropped the hammer.

“There is a possibility you won’t have to play Clemson, either.”

Muschamp is mad and happy all at the same time, and his lip is twitchy and has a sore and one eye is droopy. That means it’s almost time to play.

GEORGIA

The pandemic hasn’t kept current and former Bulldogs out of the news and the jails down that way are always on the lookout for a new case file. Kirby Not Smart, who is one of the worst game day coaches in the country, now has two fewer chances to blow a game by calling a fake punt or picking the wrong quarterback to take snaps. He also might have to schedule a few more SEC West teams if the pod deal comes to fruition, and that means more chances to lose. The good news if you’re a Bulldog is that the pandemic hasn’t hurt recruiting because Venmo never takes a day off.

LSU

It’s been an offseason of turmoil for LSU. The Bayou Bengals won the national title in impressive fashion, but lost 34-year old quarterback Joe Burrow to the NFL. Burrow was best known for his role in “Home Alone” back in the day before having a breakout season last year. The Tigers lost 74 of their 85 scholarship players, their best offensive coach and their defensive coordinator. Bo Pelini, whose love of cats is what he’s known for the most, now calls the defensive shots in Bator Rouge.

Adding more turmoil to the situation is that head coach Ed Orgeron has filed for divorce from his wife. However, she hasn’t moved out of the house because she can’t understand what he’s trying to say. He keeps throwing the papers at her and saying, “READ DA!!! READ DA!!!” and she keeps smiling and throwing them in the trash. Eventually he stops screaming and she cooks supper and he watches replays from last season.

Part two of the Pigskin Prophet will run Saturday!