Pigskin Prophet: Excuses Edition
|Thursday, September 20, 2018 3:51 PM- -|
Before we get into the picks this week, I wanted to take a few lines and thank all of the linemen from the electrical companies, the first responders, firemen, police officers, Navy and Coast Guard personnel, EMS, and hospital workers who went above and beyond the call of duty in our region over the last few weeks.
Hurricane Florence was a disaster for many in the state of North Carolina and parts of South Carolina were hit hard. Without all of these brave men and women standing in harm’s way, it would have been worse.
Hopefully, everyone in our part of the world can begin to rebuild and put shattered lives back together.
As for South Carolina, the good news is that not even Hurricane Florence wanted to spend any time in Columbia.
Now, onto the picks, where I told you last week that Pitt would beat Georgia Tech (but won’t mention a few of the clunkers. Not good.)
WASHINGTON ST. AT THE REAL USC
They have this thing called Pac-12 After Dark, which means some of the football on the West Coast is so bad they have to turn the lights off. This week, that conference takes a sort of primetime Friday spot as Mike Leach’s band of pirates descend on Hollywood and the condom factory. The Trojans had a big old hole in the defense last week against Texas and now have to contend with Leach’s brand of football debauchery. This one will be close and uncomfortable, but the Trojans finally do their job. Even if nobody is up to watch. USC 31, WASH ST. 27
GEORGIA AT MISSOURI
The hairy puppies are playing a different brand of football these days. Kirby Smart and his Helicopter of Cash have made recruiting to Athens easier than ever, and they have more stars than a Democratic Fundraiser. The Tigers of Mizzou are 3-0 and held off Purdue last week, but giving up 37 points to the Boilermakers means giving up a lot more to the cash-rich puppies. Drew Lock and the Tigers keep it close, but the Dawgs use the same formula they used two weeks ago in Columbia and pull away. DAWGS 45, TIGERS 24
NOTRE DAME AT WAKE FOREST
Notre Dame struggled to beat Gloria Vanderbilt last week, and will have its hands full with the evil churchgoers. The Deacons ran 105 plays last week in a loss to Boston College, and use tempo to overcome their shortcomings in other departments (I’ve used the technique many times myself). The Golden Domers don’t have a lot of depth on defense and if the Deacons start to pile up plays in the heat of a North Carolina day, it could pave the path to an upset. I’m calling it. WEAK FLORIST 34, NOTRE DAME 33
PITT AT NORTH CAROLINA
See what happens when you make your players go to class? They can’t function worth a dang. Also, does anybody care about this game? Right. I didn’t think so. PITT 24, UNC 20
LOUISVILLE AT VIRGINIA
Somebody better find Bobby Petrino a volleyball coach, and fast. The Cardinal ship is leaking and taking on water faster than Bobby on a Harley after volleyball practice, and it won’t get any easier this week when the fine gentlemen from the state of Virginia play host. These guys are missing Lamar Jackson more than even they could have imagined. VIRGINIA 27, LOUISVILLE 23
TEXAS A&M AT ALABAMA
Let’s face it. The Tide Pods are simply the hottest thing going right now. Grumpy St. Nick is blasting reporters and TV commentators and even his wife when he gets home, and his players are playing like they don’t wanna be next. Texas A&M acquitted itself well against Clemson a few weeks ago, but Bama won’t drop seven interceptions and the crowd will be hostile. Little Jimbo is gonna put his Christmas tree outside the coaches room after halftime and slink back to Texas, counting his money on the way. ALABAMA 44, TEXAS A&M 21
CLEMSON AT GEORGIA TECH
Paul Johnson and The Excuses are the latest musical craze to hit the scene in Atlanta. The lyrics are always the same – “If we had another block or didn’t fumble or if we had made one more tackle we would be 3-0.” Tommy Bowden sometimes sings backup on the chorus. This week, that tone-deaf crew plays host to Clemson, a team that has yet to hit its stride on offense. Johnson and his offense have practiced hard this week – three different professors have torn ACL’s after dismissing football players from class and getting chop blocked – but it won’t matter. Clemson finally finds a rhythm in front of a large Clemson contingent. PAWWWWWLLLLLLLLLLLL. CLEMSON 38, GT 13
FLORIDA AT TENNESSEE
Remember when this was a big game? Remember when these teams were good? Remember when Verne Lundquist would get all breathless and Gary Danielson would faint at the sight of Philip Fulmer and Steve Spurrier? Both programs are just trying to get back to respectability, which means beating the 1969 ACC Champions on a regular basis. This week, however. Yawn. FLORIDA 23, TENNESSEE 20
SOUTH CAROLINA AT GLORIA VANDERBILT
Gloria and her dressmakers were close to splitting the dome last week in South Bend, but come back home for what they hope will be a tasty chicken dinner (even though we’ve heard hermaphrodite chickens are tough). The 1969 ACC Champions avoided catastrophe last week when Marshall stayed home, allowing Will Muschamp to deal with herpes on his lip and his scowl at the officials when Jake From Flop Farm falls down. This will be a typical SEC East affair, which means boring with a lot of bad football and tackling. CROSSDRESSING CHICKENS 30, DRESSMAKERS 27