Pigskin Prophet: Elephant Ears Finebaum Edition


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Pigskin Prophet: Elephant Ears Finebaum Edition

We promised you a part two to the Pigskin Prophet and unlike Gamecock football, we aim to deliver on expectations and promises.

In yesterday’s edition of the Prophet I took a look at some of the teams around the country and how they have handled the pandemic and possible scheduling changes. However, Crump charges me by the word on here and once I reached a certain point I couldn’t afford to write anymore, but I pretended to be a 5-star recruit on Twitter and Kirby Smart sent me a Venmo payment of $500. However, Auburn offered a house and to build my daddy a new church, so I committed to them.

Boy, are they gonna be surprised when I show up.

Speaking of Auburn.

AUBURN

Gus Malzahn went out and hired Chad Morris, his twin, his id, his alter ego, whatever you want to call it, as the offensive coordinator during the offseason, hoping to revive a stagnant offense. Around here, we are not sure how that is gonna work cause Chad has been a head coach and he loves to call plays and Gus is the head coach and he loves to call plays, and I can imagine there will be several fistfights early in the season as they argue over which one gets to call the wide receiver screen or the QB run on 3rd-and-1. My money is on Chad – he loves that screen play and will fight for what is his!!!

ALABAMA

It’s been an interesting year for Nick Saban. Two losses had the Tide Pods out of the College Football Playoff, and Nick hasn’t been as angry as usual. After a non-title season, Nick is good for seven or eight hissy fits and bouts with the media but he’s been really quiet. That means he either has the team to beat or he thinks this could be another two-loss season. Rumor has it that when he heard that he likely won’t get to play Sister Sadie Dinkins and her Women’s Worker’s Band three times this season, he stormed into SEC Commissioner Greg Sankey’s office, stood on a chair, and let Sankey have it. Sankey simply smiled and said, “Nick, keep both Tua and his brother healthy and you will be just fine.” Turns out, Sankey had no idea that Tua and his brother are no longer in Tuscaloosa. Or Alabama. Uh oh.

PAUL FINEBAUM

Old Elephant Ears has had quite the offseason. He has to check and make sure Nick Saban’s colon is ok, three times a day, and that leaves very little time to actually talk sports. When he does, it doesn’t make any sense and it’s obvious that OEE has a problem with Clemson head coach Dabo Swinney and the Tigers. As I understand it, somehow Dabo got a hold of Paul’s personal cell number – Paul’s phone has the Nick Saban lockscreen and Alabama background – and called right after the Tigers walloped Alabama 44-16 in the title game. Paul has had to change his number several times, but once a week he gets a call from a restricted number and when he answers a voice with an Alabama accent says, “44-16 PAWWWWWLLLLL.”

It’s driving him crazy.

TENNESSEE

Something fishy is happening on Rocky Top. The Vols haven’t been relevant in 20 years or more, but they have been doing very well on the recruiting trail despite those recruits never visiting the campus. How can you commit somewhere when you haven’t been to the dump called Neyland Stadium and downtown Knoxville? Maybe, just maybe, they finally have a head coach who understands what it takes to win in the SEC (hahahahahahahaha) and he is getting it done with whatever means possible. Not sure how much all of that will mean when they actually go there for a visit and see those off-yellow uniforms.

TEXAS A&M

Didn’t take long for little Bimbo Fisher to land the Aggies on probation, did it?

MISS ST.

Miss St. has long been known as….well, I don’t know. They are just a program that has been there and you see them and you don’t care and you don’t know much about them because they are simply boring. Always have been. But now they’ve gone and hired Mike Leach, The Pirate, away from Washington State. Leach is nothing if not entertaining, and it will be interesting to see how his Air Raid offense does in the SEC. My guess is that we will still not know much about the Bulldogs, but we will know a lot about Mike Leach.

OLE MISS

Speaking of probation, the school that needs to be squeaky clean right now goes and hires Lane Kiffin. You just can’t make this stuff up. That is like Jeffrey Dahmer hiring Ted Bundy to be his lawyer. Like, what are you thinking????

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