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YOUR BALANCE
Question for the Bored.
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Question for the Bored.


May 21, 2020, 8:06 PM

Got a question, or 2. Ok, so a certain individual dates my baby sister. He’s 21. Super nice guy. Polite, respectful yada yada. He was adopted when he was born by an older lady who is in a nursing home now. She wasn’t married so he basically didn’t have a father or father figure. Anyway, he is always at my parents house cause my sis still lives here. We live in a fifth wheel here while our house is being built, (Gonna be finished by September, please Lord let it be done by September). So I know when he’s here. Which is always. He eats their food, showers, plays video games, washes clothes etc. He spends most nights with his mom in the nursing home so he gets there late and has to leave super early so they don’t know he’s spending the night there. Comes straight here in morning. He works like 3 days a weeks and is here the rest of the time. My dad has 14 acres so there’s lots of grass to cut, which I handle because I feel obligated, among whatever else I see needs taking care of. Plus we pay for all our utilities and rent. Anyway, do you think dude comes outside to cut grass, take trash out, help with groceries, do anything around here? Negative. So when I say something about him being lazy and not helping out, they all get mad and say, “he didn’t have a father figure growing up. He doesn’t know how to do anything.” Which I say it’s not a matter of not knowing, it’s a matter of not wanting to. Maybe it’s this generation. Maybe there’s some truth to not having a father around. Maybe some of y’all on here studied psychology and can help shine some light on it. Don’t know if I should cut him some slack. I enjoy teaching people stuff, but I’m not gonna come get you and ask you to learn. Thought it might be an interesting topic of discussion. Some personal experiences in this would make for some interesting reading in this dead period. Thanks.

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Re: Question for the Bored.


May 21, 2020, 8:24 PM

sounds like a dead beat

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Re: Question for the Bored.


May 21, 2020, 8:36 PM

Haha. Apparently I’ve called him a “dead beat” enough times that my 8 yr old called him that to my step mom and dad.

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That guy is lazy.


May 22, 2020, 4:50 PM

You and I are a lot alike in that regard. That type of thing drives me nuts.

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Start loading the house trash in the driver seat of his car.


May 21, 2020, 8:25 PM

YWIA

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Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It's almost never for them.


Re: Start loading the house trash in the driver seat of his car.


May 21, 2020, 8:36 PM

good luck

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Re: Start loading the house trash in the driver seat of his car.


May 21, 2020, 8:37 PM [ in reply to Start loading the house trash in the driver seat of his car. ]

Is he a tiger fan?

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Re: Start loading the house trash in the driver seat of his car.


May 21, 2020, 11:17 PM

In don’t think he cares either way. Sports are not his thing.

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I think you and your family need to do a chore/task list


May 21, 2020, 8:39 PM

It helps with me and three kids and a wife.

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Re: Question for the Bored.


May 21, 2020, 9:29 PM

Not sure why they are enabling him. They need to set the boundaries because if he is like this now, it’s not going to get better with time and will likely get worse without intervention. I’d give him some advice, man to man advice and forget the pleasantries. I didn’t have much of a father either and I figured it out. So, kick hisA$$ sea bass.


Message was edited by: BloodbeOrange®


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Re: Question for the Bored.


May 21, 2020, 9:43 PM

...share with him exactly what you posted, and if he's capable of dialogue and conversation, try to measure his response, and if his response fails, then send him on and kick the dust off your shoes and don't look back.

Go Tigers!

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The only thing worse than being lazy is the


May 21, 2020, 10:27 PM

lazy man's enablers.

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WRONG BOARD MORAN!!!***


May 22, 2020, 12:29 PM



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"IDIOT POSTER OF THE MONTH SO FAR...GWP-- You have won IPM Award for your failure to completely comprehend a clear post & then choose to attack someone who points out your ignorance. While you are not yet in the same No Class Catagory as deRoberts, ClemTiger117 & Tigerdug23, you are getting closer to the Sewer Dwellers." - coachmac


In my experience, the best teacher is...


May 22, 2020, 12:32 PM

shoe leather.

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"I've played multiple sports and would bet any amount that I'm still more athletic than you at this present time...."


Re: Question for the Bored.


May 22, 2020, 12:41 PM

Find a new babysitter.

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Re: Question for the Bored.


May 22, 2020, 12:50 PM
balm.jpg(72.1 K)

Does he look like this guy?

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Re: Question for the Bored.


May 22, 2020, 9:39 PM

Very very similar. His stache isn’t quite as awesome.

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Re: Question for the Bored.


May 22, 2020, 2:32 PM

Serious answer, and I'll spare you the religious aspect.

I've always told my 3 girls (two married, one just broke up with a boyfriend) that a man will only grow up as fast as life requires him to.

So how can you know if he will grow up when he gets married, or becomes a dad, or whatever? Because we all know guys who never do.

You need to see two characteristics in him, and BOTH are non-negotiable.
1) a great work ethic. He must be willing to work his butt off to provide for his family. If he can't or isn't willing to, he will not help your sister while she is also taking care of a real child. Generally this refers to his job, but you need to see some responsibility for at-home tasks, too.
2) the humility to learn from someone who has his best interest at heart. This is why my third daughter just broke up with her boyfriend--once he stopped going to school he spends all of his non-working hours with his gaming friends. He doesn't have time for me or other mature people who want to see him grow as a man.

Your prospective bro-in-law sounds like he has some real potential if he's really spending that much time with his mom. But our family making excuses for his immaturity doesn't fix it. Does his 3-day work week mean he gets 15 hours at McD's? Or does he do serious work for 3 full days with other people whose maturity will help him grow, like a firefighter or orderly in a hospital?

I've known good kids who took advantage of their girlfriend's families simply because they started out being treated as guests and no one had the guts to re-evaluate the relationship. (We have become a conflict-avoiding society. If your dad gets tough with him, your sister might get mad at mom and mom might get mad at dad and boyfriend might stay immature and dad will no longer be in charge of his own house.)or maybe they offered all those benefits to him and don't want to renege. His mom has probably avoided conflict with him, too.

Maybe your folks are perfectly fine with being the safety net for your sister. But make no mistake--that's exactly what they are going to be unless this young man has a reason to grow up.

Final thought: all my girls have had single-parent boys interested in them because they have a stable home environment. Those boys want a girl with that background and want to create that themselves, but they don't know how. He's probably been mothered all his life and doubtfully has ever had to make financial decisions, so he doesn't comprehend the value of work and money unless he has a good job with some professional level of expectations placed upon him.

The only way you are going to have peace in his relationship with your family is if YOU set out to spend time with him. If he has the right stuff, and you are non-judgmental, he can learn a lot from you. Otherwise you are going to get angry fearing that eventually your parents will spend your inheritance bailing out your sister when he becomes a true deadbeat.

The religious aspect does not replace the practical aspects I just gave. I would talk about sharing Christ with him simply because you care about him and because it gives you another strand in your relationship. But it won't make him suddenly mature enough to help out around the homestead.

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^^^Great answer and post***


May 22, 2020, 2:47 PM



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"IDIOT POSTER OF THE MONTH SO FAR...GWP-- You have won IPM Award for your failure to completely comprehend a clear post & then choose to attack someone who points out your ignorance. While you are not yet in the same No Class Catagory as deRoberts, ClemTiger117 & Tigerdug23, you are getting closer to the Sewer Dwellers." - coachmac


Re: Question for the Bored.


May 22, 2020, 3:23 PM [ in reply to Re: Question for the Bored. ]

You’re 100% right on the boys from single parent homes. I was 100% one of those guys and married the woman who’s parents helped me figure out how to be a husband, father and family man. 17 years later, I can say there is hope for others!

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Re: there is hope for others


May 22, 2020, 5:38 PM

Absolutely. I was closer to my FiL than my own dad for awhile, even though he was 2500 miles more distant.

When you both love the same woman--one has provided for her all her life, the other wants to earn that right--a certain level of trust exists.

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Re: Question for the Bored.


May 22, 2020, 9:46 PM [ in reply to Re: Question for the Bored. ]

Awesome perspective. I’m a father of 2 young boys so to hear it from a father of 3 girls that’s legit stuff. Thanks for the response.

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Why is this your concern?


May 22, 2020, 2:57 PM

You said it's your parents' house, and that they don't seem to mind that he isn't doing more to help out.

I get it, in a perfect world he would be more responsible. But you seem to be the only one here that is bothered by it.

So I say, let it go.

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"All those 'Fire Brownell' guys can kiss it." -Joseph Girard III

"Everybody needs to know that Coach Brownell is arguably the best coach to come through Clemson." -PJ Hall


Re: Why is this your concern?


May 22, 2020, 3:35 PM

My 2 cents worth......your sister is going to be doing ALL of the "heavy lifting" in this relationship, and I am not suggesting this guy is a fat boy.....I'm suggesting he is a 'boy' and probably always will be.

You need to give this guy the unfiltered truth and clarify the 'expectation' and see if he responds in a positive way.....otherwise, you sis may be in for some real heartache when the reality of life comes crashing down.

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So big brother is going to lay down the law


May 22, 2020, 4:05 PM

despite the fact that his sister and parents don’t seem to see a problem with his behavior? Yeah, that has a very small chance of working.

Perhaps the OP can speak with his sister about it, and let her know his concerns. It’s ultimately his sister’s decision though, and trying to be a tough guy and set everyone straight (including the boyfriend) is the wrong way to go about this if he truly expects to make a positive change in the boyfriend.

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"All those 'Fire Brownell' guys can kiss it." -Joseph Girard III

"Everybody needs to know that Coach Brownell is arguably the best coach to come through Clemson." -PJ Hall


Re: Why is this your concern?


May 22, 2020, 10:01 PM [ in reply to Why is this your concern? ]

To see anybody just lay around and take advantage of another family annoys me, especially my family. Because that’s not how I was raised. The day you were old enough to work and it was summer break, you went to work for my grandpa doing construction and it didn’t end til school started back. You cut grass, picked up sticks, raked leaves In the yard etc etc. It instilled a work ethic in all of us. My sister and whole family knows how I feel. I guess it’s a tough spot to be in cause I feel like a guest living here and it’s not my place to say anything. It’s really my dads job to do that. But you’d have to know my dad. He’s a very laid back type person who is very fair and gives everyone a chance and looks at the positive in everything. If him and my sister ever got married I don’t know what they’d do if they had a water leak or a door knob needed fixing or anything for that matter cause that kid can’t put air in a tire.

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Re: Question for the Bored.


May 22, 2020, 3:53 PM

My 2 cents worth......your sister is going to be doing ALL of the "heavy lifting" in this relationship, and I am not suggesting this guy is a fat boy.....I'm suggesting he is a 'boy' and probably always will be.

You need to give this guy the unfiltered truth and clarify the 'expectation' and see if he responds in a positive way.....otherwise, you sis may be in for some real heartache when the reality of life comes crashing down.

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Re: Question for the Bored.


May 22, 2020, 4:34 PM

Tigerrag89 has a great idea. Make out a list of chores for each family member and add his name telling him he is part of the family. Try to make him feel like a part of the family but don’t enable just because he has had some bad breaks in life. Have a family meeting and include him. Then hand out list of task each person must do. Discuss the list. This will give him an opportunity to have his say. Then you may want to be tuff on him.

If that doesn’t work just tell him he has chores to do. Either do them or while the rest of the family is working tell him he needs to spend time with his family while your family is working. If he refuses to help out take the TV and game system alway. Don’t call him lazy just figure out ways for him to spend less time at your place while you are doing your chores.

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Re: Question for the Bored.


May 22, 2020, 5:10 PM

I think the talk you need to have is with your "blinded by love" sister. You have obviously lost your parents in this discussion. If your sister remains bullheaded about it I think you have lost the fight. Making a scene with the boy will eventually cause a fissure that may never heal.

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If it were me...


May 22, 2020, 6:14 PM

I would just ask for help.

"Hey, I am going to do some yard work tomorrow. I could use some help. Do you have time?" If he says no....ask "Is there a better time, it is a never ending job?"

"Do you mind taking the trash out today?"

Whatever it is. If he says no.....then so be it. His lazy ways will be the end of your sisters relationship one day. Let's hope she does not marry him if that is the case.

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Re: If it were me...


May 22, 2020, 8:30 PM

I agree with anyone who makes a positive suggestion.

Since your sister cares for him, and there's something positive to work with, you've got a good 3 months to make a positive investment in a friendship with him.

Many guys just don't have guys who show them how to do guy-type activities. You'd be surprised how many guys don't know how to use a mower or weed eater, don't know the times of day when it's best, or how to do it before the sun kills you.

Some guys have never washed a car, or changed oil or a tire.

If you get him doing any 'guy' activities, that's something you'll have in common for a long time.

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Re: Question for the Bored.


May 22, 2020, 6:22 PM

It would be great if he could help around the house but he may not have a clue where to start or what he can do. You can ask your sister to help out and include him, as in "hey, Sarah can you and Joey give us a hand bringing in the groceries?" etc. If he still doesn't do anything, then the rest of the family may stat seeing the same traits you see.

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Re: Question for the Bored.


May 23, 2020, 7:46 PM

This is a splendid Dear Abby story. Send it in. Sorry for your problem.

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Class of ‘71. Went through “rat season” and glad I did.


Couple of questions....


May 24, 2020, 7:03 AM

How old is your "baby sister"? How many other men has your sister dated? How does this young man compare to other boyfriends? Could it be that your parents are accepting of the young man simply because they are just happy your sister has finally met someone or that this boyfriend is way better than her other boyfriends?

One thing I've learned from having 3 sisters - perfectly rational women can lose there ever loving minds over a man. I've also found that if you have a problem your sister's boyfriend and feel that you must say something, then it is better to discuss your concerns with her (not the parents) EARLY in the relationship. The longer you wait the harder that discussion will be and could even result in damaging your relationship with your sister. Just remember - discussing an affair of the heart with your sister is unlike any other discussion you will have with your sister. You are dealing with a highly emotional and personal thing where logic and common sense may be completely out the window.

One last thing - if your sister is a mature adult all you can do is have a loving conversation with her about the boyfriend. Once you've had the conversation and said your piece then it is probably best to leave it alone unless she brings it up again. Just as you make your own decisions is life, she is going to make her own decisions as well and you must accept that this thing may just have to run its course even if you know it to be a mistake.

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Re: Question for the Bored.


May 24, 2020, 7:42 AM

I would say that, based on the circumstances his behavior is predictable. Perhaps someone should spend some time and effort with him before labeling him a dead beat? Teach him the satisfaction of a hard days work and praise him for it. At that point, you will know what kind of man he will become. Most people are a product of their environment. He sounds typical for this young generation, unfortunately.

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I would definitely check out his story about the nursing


May 24, 2020, 7:59 AM

home. visitors are not allowed in many of those at this time. Maybe he has a second "baby sister" to spend the nights with. If his adoptive mother was an older lady 21 years ago, how is she still around and aware that he is spending nights with her? And why would he want to do that instead of just visiting during the day?

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Re: Question for the Bored.


May 24, 2020, 8:40 AM

"as much as you are here, you need to pitch in and help. I would like for you to be of the kindest "if I see it needs to get done, then I need to do it", Until then, I'm going to give you things to do and if you're going to stay around here, then you need to do them."

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