Let me talk to you, the little people, about my audition

May 3, 2019, 1:32 PM

yesterday.

As many of you saw, I, grouchingtiger®, was awarded the rare and unique opportunity to audition for the chance to win cash and fabulous prizes (of which I am responsible for the taxes for) on America's Game, Wheel of Fortune. It went something like this:

2:44 PM - I walk up into Casino Del Sol where the audition was, expecting to see a select few exclusives from the booming metropolis of Tucson. I was disappointed in the quality, and amount of candidates.

3:00 PM - Doors open. We walk in, show ID and application (with attached recent picture) and sit down. As I stare around me, I wonder how these folks think that Pat Sajak's cronies would ever allow them on set. Business casual dress was requested, but many of these folks must be janitorial staff if thats what they consider business casual. I, on the other hand, was in a tuxedo and top hat because it is important to put your best foot forward. There must have been 50 people in there, ranging from young professionals to retired couples to the stranger than strange gay couple (one man must have been over 70, with the other man being around 30 or so...do gay people do the cougar thing as well?). I personally was seated between a man with a mullet wearing a red velvet vest who apparently has watched all 7000 episodes of the show and a man with a lisp.

3:10-4:15 PM - LET THE GAMES BEGIN. They do a roundtable of puzzles on a huge monitor, with the FIIIIIIIIINE looking young blond assistant (known lounge fowl, but photography was not allowed) randomly calling on people to test voice projection, composure, and game play skills. Folks who were lucky enough to solve the puzzle, once everyone did the hard work in throwing up letters, got swag. I was not one of those lucky few, so I was denied my autographed Vanna White picture. There were issues with this process. Because everyone was so focused on making a good impression, everyone clapped exceedingly loud. FOR EVERYTHING. So other people, especially the kindly old gentleman in the back row with hearing aids, couldn't hear their name called and risked elimination from this strenuous process.

4:15-4:20 PM - Test time. All of us were given sheets of paper with half solved puzzles on them (about 20) and had five minutes to solve as many as we could. According to the crew, partial credit was given for half-solved puzzles, so I entered in as many "And" and "The" as I could. I won't lie to you lounge, the "Same Name" category threw me off, but I got most of the "Thing" and "Show Biz" category ones.

4:20-4:45 PM - We were given a break while the audition crew graded our tests and compared notes.

4:45-5:00 PM - We were all brought back in for a discussion and to watch folly videos concerning the history of Wheel of Fortune, to include Vanna's audition footage. Lawd have mercy. The mulletted man next to me was calling out his remembrance of various things that happened in 1985, which got pretty annoying. The crew came back out and gave the explanation of how hard it was to get on the show, the responsibility of selected candidates to pay for every thing to get to the show, and the process going forward. THEN, the bombshell came...they wanted to take a closer look at select candidates. Folks who got their name called stayed. Folks who didn't got the #### out. Amongst those who failed to advance were mullet man, beforementioned odd gay couple, and the Winnebago drivers from Wyoming. I was selected to stay, along with the kindly old gentleman, the man with the lisp, and a woman who twice won puzzles and therefore got double swag (greedy #####).

5:00-5:45 PM - Tension was building, yo. They called us up in groups of 4 to simulate playing the actual game. Fake spin, call out the consonant. Tell fine lady if you want to buy a vowel or spin again. DON'T USE SO MANY WORDS!! SMILE COTDAMIT AND DON'T FORGET TO CLAP!! SHOW PERSONALITY!! I was rolling in my game, then I went bankrupt. DON'T FORGET TO CHEER ON OTHER PEOPLE!! BUT THEY ARE TAKING MY SPOT, #### THEM!!! After the puzzle solving, we had to give our little intros. I got how many years I've been married wrong, but wife wasn't there, so don't care.

5:45-5:50 PM - Everyone one has gone through the wringer now. Same spiel from the crew, if you get a letter in the mail, you're in the candidate pool to appear. If you don't, well you suck try again. Then we all scattered about after fakely being polite and wishing each other luck. If dude with a lisp gets on and I don't...well, I'm giving up show bizness.