Tonight, I bestow upon you a gift.

Aug 24, 2016, 10:05 PM

Because we all have #### in our lives. We all have our struggles and tribulations. We all have our battles with other people. We all have our stupid, mundane, pointless arguments on Tigernet, particularly in P&R.

But we all have it better off than the people I'm about to present to you.

Because, you see, I have a good friend who is an ER nurse. He has worked in Columbia and now in Charleston. We both have twisted senses of humor, and we both like to drink a lot. And when we do drink a lot, we share ###### up stories from our jobs.

And it only seemed natural to ask him this question one night recently: What's the most ###### up thing someone has stuck up their a.s.s.h.o.l.e. and had to visit the ER to have removed?

He had not one answer. He had not two. He had three. So, tonight, friends, I share these stories with you so you know that no matter how bad you think your life may be, there are those who have it worse.

Patient 1: A man arrived to the ER. He claimed his girlfriend dropped him off and left because "she had to get to work." Jammed firmly up his posterior was a bottle of Aqua Net.

Patient 2: Upon arriving to the ER, this man said he had a toy up there. That's pretty vague, so they administered an X-ray. Inside his land of Mordor was a giant Buzz Lightyear figurine. Twelve inches tall. But here's the main problem with the toy: the wings are retractable. And those mother ####### were fully deployed inside his man cave. Thus, the need for doctor assistance.

Patient 3: This is my personal favorite. A man arrived to the ER in considerable discomfort. He refused to sit. He explained that he had sent an operating vibrator spelunking into his cavern, and the device had gone so deep that he couldn't extract it. He begged doctors to pull it out immediately.

Ah, but herein lies the problem. A fully-functional, battery-operated device that has been deployed is too dangerous to remove through an operation for fear of further damage to the patient, particularly the risk of tearing an artery.

Thus, there is only one way to ensure the safety of removing a battery-operated vibrating device from such a tight space.

The batteries must die first.

This man paced a waiting room for three hours before the life finally drained from those Energizers. When the device finally shut down, he immediately screamed for the nurses and they took him to the operating table.

There you go, folks. I don't offer you much, but I give you this. Good night.

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[Catahoula] used to be almost solely a PnR rascal, but now has adopted shidpoasting with a passion. -bengaline

You are the meme master. - RPMcMurphy®

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My friend had the same question for a nurse and she relayed the following:

A patient came into the ER with his wife. He complained of stomach pains and they did x-rays or something to try and figure out what his problem was. He was there for 2 or 3 hours before his wife said she had to go to the restroom. As soon as she left, the man speaks the truth. "I have a bottle stuck up my ###. I couldn't say it in front of my wife." They said it wasn't a small bottle, but like a 1 liter. And it didn't go up the b-whole cap first, butt the other way around.

They checked his records and this was not the first bottle removed from his ####.

They're are some messed up people in this world indeed.

Great stories, btw, tu to you for sharing.

Tonight, I bestow upon you a gift.

10/10. Read three times.***

Re: Tonight, I bestow upon you a gift.

^^ this is why Jesus invented the Lunge ^^***

The A$$man's back in town. You got that straight.***

hey, stick it up yer ### man! Point for change of pace, and

I have wondered since then...

To infinity AND BEYOND***

Pretty sure I've seen a X-ray pic online of buzz in someone's ###

found it

Remember that episode of Jackáss when Ryan Dunn...

I do remember that

Re: Tonight, I bestow upon you a gift.

H. O. F. - this is a lunge all-timer***

Similar story I heard a few weeks ago

I guess this is why TXTF has been so absent from the Jounge***

IT WAS NOT AQUANET! IT WAS CONSORT! ###, dont

Had to point that, even though i don't think the last one

Re: Unbelievable.....definitely lunge-worthy

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