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YOUR BALANCE
How do you change someone's personality?
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Replies: 48
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How do you change someone's personality?


May 20, 2020, 11:25 AM

I just inherited a really smart guy on my team.

Problem is, dude is LOOONG winded. I swear I think he talks to hear himself talk. And he worries himself with stuff that really doesn't involve what he should be working on. He's gotten worse, to the point its starting to affect his career.

He's been moved to my team basically for me to shape him up, but in my career I've never dealt with anyone like him. My first inclination to to get someone else in and train them up on what he's doing, and push this guy out. He's almost this disruptive. I'm listening to him argue on a conf call as I type this.

What do Tnet?

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Is the problem his long windedness or his worrying?***


May 20, 2020, 11:28 AM



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I like your funny words magic man


The long windedness is a problem.


May 20, 2020, 11:34 AM

It makes it difficult to have a quick conversation or meeting. I met with him for the first time yesterday afternoon and had an hour scheduled--and ended up talking to him for 2 hours.

But his forcefulness that he is the only one that has a valid technical opinion is a bigger problem. I think that second part has really lowered his political capital, even if he's often right.

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Sounds like the type of guy you could fire, burn his house


May 20, 2020, 11:49 AM

down, bang his wife, and sell if children into slavery....and he'd still be dwelling on the fact that you used incorrect terminology during a presentation and refused to accept his correction.

2024 white level memberbadge-donor-15yr.jpgringofhonor-lakebum1-110.jpg flag link military_tech thumb_downthumb_up

So he’s a senior engineer?


May 20, 2020, 11:53 AM [ in reply to The long windedness is a problem. ]

I didn’t know you worked with ryanadidas

2024 orange level memberbadge-donor-15yr.jpgringofhonor-cu85tiger.jpg flag link military_tech thumb_downthumb_up

“Anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge.”
Isaac Asimov


I'm pretty much the opposite of that guy.


May 20, 2020, 11:59 AM

I rarely talk about work, even at work.

I don't concern myself with my own responsibilities, much less other peoples.


You'd love me.

2024 white level member flag link military_tech thumb_downthumb_up

S??? ????? ???? ??? ??????? ?????? ???? ??? ??????,
S??? ????? ?? ?? ???????? ???? ? ??????? ??? ????? ?????..


backhand or forehand or both***


May 20, 2020, 11:32 AM



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You should suggest circling back to his point offline


May 20, 2020, 11:32 AM

while mentioning everyone is making good points.

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right before saying there are good people on both sides***


May 20, 2020, 11:36 AM



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My advice


May 20, 2020, 11:32 AM

Does he know he was moved to your team to shape up? He has to be given "his reality."

He needs to know you want to help him but he needs to know he has issues he needs to fix.

Layout a plan for change with him and give him regular feedback, but do not put up with behavior that is not productive and do give him positive feedback when he is doing what you want him to do.

He must be on this performance improvement plan and he must show improvement or get rid of him.

2024 orange level memberbadge-donor-15yr.jpgringofhonor-fatherg-110.jpg flag link military_tech thumb_downthumb_up

then take a shot***


May 20, 2020, 11:33 AM



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Unfortunately we don't give employees good feedback


May 20, 2020, 11:48 AM

on how to improve. We expect them to figure it out. We see what they are doing wrong, why can't they?

Then when we finally tell them they are hurt and don't understand why we never gave them this feedback and they now think we are out to get them. Well, we never told them because we did not want to hurt their feelings. We should care enough to give them feedback to improve.

2024 orange level memberbadge-donor-15yr.jpgringofhonor-fatherg-110.jpg flag link military_tech thumb_downthumb_up

Oh, and "what you permit, you promote"


May 20, 2020, 11:57 AM

is a great philosophy for making these types of decisions. Guy might be a f'ing genius, but if he is disruptive and a cancer, he needs to go.

2024 orange level memberbadge-donor-15yr.jpgringofhonor-fatherg-110.jpg flag link military_tech thumb_downthumb_up

Makes you wonder how anything gets done anymore, doesn't it?


May 20, 2020, 12:11 PM [ in reply to Unfortunately we don't give employees good feedback ]

In 10 years nobody will be capable of accomplishing anything. We'll be trying to build a bridge over say, an 8' wide creek...We've got Estelle as Project Leader, she has no experience but scored well on a personality test and cried during her interview....So obviously she got promoted to avoid lawsuits. She also claims PTSD from a fender bender 7 years ago, loud noises trigger her and she has to go lay down.

Since Estelle is obviously never on site, Coby, a self proclaimed asexual kermit the frog has taken lead on the project. He can handle the noise, but is hyper woke and spends most of his day apologizing for his white privilege.

The rest of the crew don't actually have the technical know how to do any of this type of work, but are a hodge podge group of people sourced from mental health facilities due to a new government program trying to get insane people back to work. They most stay drunk/high with the occasional violent assault.

There are a few people with actual construction experience on site, but they are too passive aggressive to actually work. Randy once borrowed a pack of allen wrenches from Clyde and lost the 4mm, and now Clyde refuses to talk to Randy. This is unfortunate because Randy is running the crane and Clyde is the spotter.

2024 white level memberbadge-donor-15yr.jpgringofhonor-lakebum1-110.jpg flag link military_tech thumb_downthumb_up

Keep adding to the list


May 20, 2020, 12:22 PM

MauldinT®

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I like your funny words magic man


you could always talk to him


May 20, 2020, 11:34 AM

and tell him what he is doing wrong and how to improve, but

nobody really changes

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Cat on a tin roof, dogs in a pile,
Nothin' left to do but smile, smile, smile!!!!


I'm going to have a discussion today with my boss


May 20, 2020, 11:35 AM

who was previously dealing with him, and find out where he stands. I think my boss got tired of him and moved him to report to me.

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yeah that is what I normally do


May 20, 2020, 11:37 AM

with people that I don't want, let someone else handle it

the big problem is when your boss is the one that loves to hear himself talk, can't easily move these people

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Cat on a tin roof, dogs in a pile,
Nothin' left to do but smile, smile, smile!!!!


My boss is pretty good.


May 20, 2020, 11:39 AM

I've been lucky here and had some really good leaders.

I understand why he did what he did.

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I went from one huge narcissist


May 20, 2020, 11:40 AM

to a medium size one

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Cat on a tin roof, dogs in a pile,
Nothin' left to do but smile, smile, smile!!!!


There's always one.


May 20, 2020, 11:34 AM

I unfortunately hired him because I needed someone who knew their stuff, even if he's quite annoying.

Don't think you can do anything, I've just resulted to bluntness and cut him off on his rants all the time.

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Cole @ Beach Cole w/ Clemson Hat


Thats what I've done for yesterday and today


May 20, 2020, 11:36 AM

But he's not getting the point.

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Yeah, my guy never gets the point. It's like a social


May 20, 2020, 11:39 AM

normality he will never understand. He's never seemed to take my cutting him off as rude or afronted.

Like seriously doesn't get the point, he'll come and talk to me, then once he goes too long and too much, I literally turn to my computer and start doing work, he still doesn't get it.

I tell people he's an engineer's engineer, and don't let him interact much on the client side.

2024 orange level memberbadge-donor-10yr.jpg2011_pickem_champ.jpgbadge-ringofhonor-soccerkrzy.jpg flag link military_tech thumb_downthumb_up

Cole @ Beach Cole w/ Clemson Hat


There's definitely a social cue that this guy will never


May 20, 2020, 11:43 AM

understand. I wonder if at some level, he's slightly on the autism spectrum or something.

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Electric shock therapy?***


May 20, 2020, 11:37 AM



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Dude would probably argue that the wavelength of the electrons


May 20, 2020, 11:40 AM

wavelength involved are sufficient to make any permanent brain wave changes, then write a 5 page algorithm to prove his point.

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Speaking as a professional, you ain't gunnah change him.


May 20, 2020, 11:42 AM

If he values his job you can drop the hammer, but it very likely will not result in lasting personality change.

Now, if it is more behavioral and not personality based, then you can change that with carrot and stick incentives.

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I can't help but think its a personality thing.


May 20, 2020, 11:44 AM

He's used his higher intelligence to ruin his personality.

Sure..he's usually right, but just difficult to deal with.

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There’s probably a Seinfeld episode about this...


May 20, 2020, 11:49 AM

I’d suggest seeking answers there first.

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Find out if he takes medication for ADHD


May 20, 2020, 11:54 AM

If he does, tell him to stop. If he doesn't, get him some.

2024 white level memberbadge-donor-10yr.jpg flag link military_tech thumb_downthumb_up

The road goes on forever and the party never ends...


Innundate his Facebook feed with memes and useless


May 20, 2020, 11:57 AM

platitudes. That seems to be how the rest of the world is approaching changing the personality and behavior of others.

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Just Think About How Much Worse Other People Have It***


May 20, 2020, 12:01 PM



2024 white level member flag link military_tech thumb_downthumb_up

S??? ????? ???? ??? ??????? ?????? ???? ??? ??????,
S??? ????? ?? ?? ???????? ???? ? ??????? ??? ????? ?????..


TL;DR


May 20, 2020, 12:09 PM

Too Longwinded; Didn't Read

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Seriously? This is easy.


May 20, 2020, 12:13 PM

Get him a hooker and some Lorazepam.

Much easier to fix than a septic tank drain field.

2024 orange level memberbadge-donor-15yr.jpgringofhonor-tiggity-110.jpg flag link military_tech thumb_downthumb_up


Actually the fix is similar


May 20, 2020, 12:18 PM

Bury both about 10 feet deep in your back yard and cover them with pee and crap

2024 white level member flag link military_tech thumb_downthumb_up

S??? ????? ???? ??? ??????? ?????? ???? ??? ??????,
S??? ????? ?? ?? ???????? ???? ? ??????? ??? ????? ?????..


I'd slip him a xanax in a cup of noncaffeinated coffee.


May 20, 2020, 12:17 PM

If that don't work fix him another dose in a cup.

2024 orange level memberbadge-donor-10yr.jpgringofhonor-clemsontiger1988-110.jpg flag link military_tech thumb_downthumb_up

Re: How do you change someone's personality?


May 20, 2020, 12:29 PM

Sit him down and explain how his actions are hurting his career path. It's been done for me and I've done it for others. My problem was being too direct with co-workers. I didn't ramble on with inane chit-chat or explain the multitude of decisions that brought me to the "No" answer I provided to your yes or no question. I simply answered the questions asked of me or provided solutions to the problems posed to me. I had to learn that our sales people need to know that their request was duly considered, fretted over for exorbitant lengths of time, explored form every angle and that I've thought of all the alternatives for them. Instead of just cutting to the chase and telling them what they were asking for isn't possible.

You're early enough in the relationship with this guy that you can make him aware without damaging any rapport with him.

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As a much younger manager, I was told that there


May 20, 2020, 1:47 PM

was the truth, and the brutal truth.

Gotta be easy on others with the brutal truth.

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I say.....


May 20, 2020, 12:42 PM

LSD.



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I'm not forcing him to listen to Phish or WSP or somethin'***


May 20, 2020, 1:48 PM



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Re: How do you change someone's personality?


May 20, 2020, 1:51 PM

Just be extremely blunt and let him know. Just break it down to him. Build up his good qualities, but then be blunt about the other.

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sirius answer....


May 20, 2020, 2:01 PM

it's really awkward when you have to talk to someone about their personality...but that's the only way to address it.

I've had very similar situations twice before and have one developing now with one of my senior managers.

The only way to address it is head on. Coach him that he's using 100 words to say something that could be said in 10. Tell him why that's not a good thing...that he is a really smart guy, but he loses credibility and people's attention when he becomes so long-winded. After you speak with him on this, start to politely call him out in meetings/calls when he does this. "This is too much detail for this meeting, what's the bottom line here Jim" or "we have drifted off topic, let's get this meeting back on the rails." and so on

There are some good on-line resources for this kind of thing too.

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Two long winded Didn't read.********


May 20, 2020, 2:53 PM



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There are great online resources, and I am also available


May 20, 2020, 3:53 PM [ in reply to sirius answer.... ]

as a consultant. I have had great success getting through to people in the past, lots of experience dealing with the "Detroit mentality".

Some of the key phrases I've had success with are:
"This is the South and someone will beat the ##### out of you eventually for acting like that"
"Please shut the #### up and get to the point"
"Nobody is impressed with your ########, you #### sucking ############"


I think the key is to humiliate them into introspection. And if you can't do that, intimidate them to a point where they will behave how you want them to. Modern problems require modern solutions.

2024 white level memberbadge-donor-15yr.jpgringofhonor-lakebum1-110.jpg flag link military_tech thumb_downthumb_up

Do you have your MBA?....


May 20, 2020, 4:10 PM

it sounds like you have your MBA

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The bad part is when you have a long winded person on your


May 21, 2020, 12:33 PM

team that knows it and doesn't do anything about it.

Below is an example that I received this morning

There was a, frankly, sudden change made to this team. I would like to get us all together and talk.
I have set the meeting from 3:30pm to 5pm, just to make sure we have all the time we need. However,
If you need to leave sooner or you get tired of me talking we can end it sooner.

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Usually if you stick a finger up their butt they change


May 21, 2020, 12:50 PM

pretty quickly.

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Find something to write them up on...


May 21, 2020, 1:16 PM

Put it in their file.

This might not be the case here, but too many people realize they can get paid to leave a company. They become the odd person out/don't fit in/problem in the office. They really aren't doing a bad job, but the only way for everyone else to be productive is to let them go.

Find something they are doing wrong/warn them/write them up, so in the long run, there is a reason to let them go.

Hopefully this isn't what you are dealing with

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It is.


May 21, 2020, 1:22 PM

Had a conversation with my boss yesterday. He agreed with basically what you said.

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