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YOUR BALANCE
I have heard that some of you are having trouble finding
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I have heard that some of you are having trouble finding


Mar 18, 2020, 6:53 PM

toilet paper at the store. Before I get into my list of top 15 leaves for wiping, I know that smooth stones and news paper also work.

1. Big Leaf Aster Leaves (aka Eurybia Macrophylla, Lumberjack’s Toilet Paper)

Large, smooth, heart-shaped leaves
Found in abundance across the northern parts of the eastern and central United States, the southern parts of eastern and central Canada and northern Europe

2. Big Leaf Magnolia Leaves (aka Magnolia Macrophylla)

Large smooth leaves
Grows in sunny environment, able to survive in low light conditions
Found in southeastern United States and eastern Mexico

3. Big Leaf Maple Leaves (aka Acer Macrophyllum, Oregon Maple)

Other varieties include striped maple, sugar maple, vine maple
Typically large, soft leaves with no irritable hairs
Grows in wet areas, close to streams
Found in western North America

4. Broadleaf Plantain (aka Plantago Major, White Man’s Foot, Greater Plantain)

Large, smooth, oval leaves
Sturdy leaves, unlikely to tear during use
Has medicinal properties
Grow in lawns, fields and roadsides
Found in many areas around the world

5. Butterbur (aka Petasites Japonicus, Giant Butterbur, Great Butterbur, Sweet-coltsfoot)

Large, soft leaves
Found in China, Japan, Korea, Europe, North America and Canada


6. Corn Lily Leaves (aka Veratrum Californicum)

Large leaves
Sturdy leaves, unlikely to tear during use
Grows in open meadows
Found in West America

7. Cottonwood Leaves

Large, smooth leaves
Slightly tough leaves, unlikely to tear during use
Slight numbing properties, leaves can also be used as bandages

8. Dock Leaves (aka Rumex Obtusifolius, Bitter Dock, Broad-leaved Dock, Bluntleaf Dock, Butter Dock)

Large, slightly rough, oval leaves
Grows in meadows, waste ground, roadsides, drains, shorelines
Found in Europe, United States, Australia, New Zealand and many areas around the world

9. Hazel Leaves (aka Corylus)

Small, fuzzy, soft leaves
The fuzz on the leaves might be irritating for people with sensitive skin
Grows in many areas around the world

10. Mullein (aka Verbascum Thapsus, Cowboy Toilet Paper)

Large, soft, fuzzy, absorbent leaves
Thick leaves, unlikely to tear during use
Leaves are antiseptic and astringent
The fuzz on the leaves might be irritating for people with sensitive skin
Grows in sunny areas
Found in most areas around the world

11. Red Mulberry (aka Morus Rubra)

Large, soft leaves (the underside is soft while the upper side is rough)
Found in eastern and central North America and Canada

12. Thimbleberry Leaves (aka Rubus Parviflorus)

Large, soft leaves
Identifiable from large toothed leaves, thimble-like fruit, and white flowers
Grows in roadsides, railroads, wet areas near streams and water bodies
Found in western and eastern North America

13. Wooly Lamb’s Ear Leaves (aka Stachys Byzantina)

Soft, fuzzy, absorbent leaves
Thick leaves, unlikely to tear during use
Has medicinal properties, can be used as bandages
Found in most of United States, Turkey, Armenia, and Iran

14. Moss

Soft, smooth, absorbent
The moisture from the moss might help in cleaning
But you might end up with bits of moss left behind on skin surfaces

15. Variety Of Vegetables such as Lettuce, Corn Husks etc

Usually large, smooth leaves

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Re: I have heard that some of you are having trouble finding


Mar 18, 2020, 6:56 PM

I know I’m on ignore, but I always heard succulents made the best substitute. This can range from aloe Vera to types of cactus.

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Re: I have heard that some of you are having trouble finding


Mar 20, 2020, 10:10 AM

Yeah, careful with the iceberg lettuce, it will give you a wedgie!

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Re: I have heard that some of you are having trouble finding


Mar 18, 2020, 7:08 PM

WARNING ----- Be forewarned, with the moss come the chiggers. Boil the moss to eliminate the shiggers.

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Re: I have heard that some of you are having trouble finding


Mar 18, 2020, 9:45 PM

That was my first thought re the moss ... watch out for biting stinging critters hiding there !! -<img border=">

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If people were as good as their obituary - and products were as good as advertised - this would truly be a wonderful world !!


What? No tobacco leaves?!


Mar 18, 2020, 7:42 PM

They's huge, soft and smooth.

Not to mention you get a two-fer with a nicotine fix.

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Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It's almost never for them.


Do you chew your leaf before or after you wipe?***


Mar 18, 2020, 9:35 PM



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Re: I have heard that some of you are having trouble finding


Mar 18, 2020, 7:57 PM

What a great and wonderful PSA - TBalm !! Never cease to be amazed !! -<img border=">

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If people were as good as their obituary - and products were as good as advertised - this would truly be a wonderful world !!


Re: I have heard that some of you are having trouble finding


Mar 18, 2020, 8:24 PM

Somebody must be working from home and lost their focus. That being said thanks for the "public service announcement".

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Re: I have heard that some of you are having trouble finding


Mar 18, 2020, 8:43 PM

Remember the olde camping adage:

Leaflets three, good for TP! (If you’re itching for a good substitute).

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"Anybody that says Coach Brownell is the best coach to come through Clemson is going to start an argument." -JP Hall


Re: I have heard that some of you are having trouble finding


Mar 18, 2020, 8:50 PM

plenty of this in stock




https://shop.gamecocksonline.com/south-carolina-gamecocks-20-x-30-wrapping-paper/p-24590934701216+z-9314-3277227430

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“poor kids are just as bright and just as talented as white kids.”


Re: I have heard that some of you are having trouble finding


Mar 18, 2020, 8:57 PM

Are you drinking again?

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Re: I have heard that some of you are having trouble finding


Mar 18, 2020, 9:14 PM

Cottonwood is Populus deltoides. Species names are always small letters. You wouldn’t have passed Dendro! All are goos suggestions however. Be careful with the succulents however. They may be cacti! Needles are not recommended for TP

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Kudzu should work, and it replenishes itself very quickly!!***


Mar 18, 2020, 9:21 PM



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Re: Kudzu should work, and it replenishes itself very quickly!!***


Mar 18, 2020, 9:32 PM

WHEN trees leaf out we will all have a steady supply. It’s March! Avoid Toxicodendron radicans at all cost.

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Leaves of three will be the end of thee.


Mar 18, 2020, 9:59 PM

I would rather have Covid.

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Thank you for your service.***


Mar 19, 2020, 12:01 AM



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"Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard."
- H. L. Mencken


hey when you gotta go its pretty much any leaf


Mar 19, 2020, 12:38 AM

except for poison ivy.

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Re: I have heard that some of you are having trouble finding


Mar 20, 2020, 12:09 AM

Has anyone checked ebay for 60 year old Sears catalogs? That's what my grandparents used in their outdoor privy. Was always convenient to have an extra on hand for smacking the occasional copperhead that wandered in while the facility was occupied.

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the only good politician is a dead politician.


I hear that the three leaf ones do an excellent job***


Mar 20, 2020, 12:19 AM



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Re: I have heard that some of you are having trouble finding***


Mar 20, 2020, 5:42 AM



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I have some questions Mr Balm


Mar 20, 2020, 9:34 AM

When you say “a variety of Vegetables,” What do you mean? I know I’ve been told, pretty specifically, to keep certain vegetables away from my anus. Cucumbers, eggplants, pickles, English cucumbers, and squash are some that come to mind. Do you think I can reintroduce these items in the name of wiping??
Thanks for your help!

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Re: I have heard that some of you are having trouble finding


Mar 20, 2020, 11:51 AM

You left out small rabbits, in case none of the good leaves are not available.

Also, eating Tide Pods prevents the virus, so you don't have to go to the bathroom so much.

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