All-In [34486]

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Here's my most cringey story of

Aug 24, 2020, 11:28 AM

trying to bang. This is a long post and probably doesn't warrant so many words, but I needed to relive this so as to remind myself of what to NEVER do.

On Christmas break of my freshman year in college, I had a party at my house. One of my friends (we'll call her Claire) went to a different campus and had made new friends while on the cheerleading squad, so I told her to bring her party to my party and we'd kid of mix it up a little bit. Sure enough, Claire brought over no less than 6 (it might have been 7, in addition to Claire), good looking thots for a night of revelry.

We had a good time. We drank beer, went mud-slinging out in the country (drinking and driving, classic), shot off our guns (several of whom were from out-of-state and had never even seen a gun) for the lulz, just raised some general hell. Good clean fun. My ragtag team of redneck buddies and I were doing pretty well with the former prom queen types. A couple of the guys got their D sucked by one ##### or another (I lost track of em) in their pick-up trucks. But I didn't. And I wouldn't. And this is where the sad song starts.

At some point in the night, I managed to get into a frenzied face-sucking battle with the unequivocally hottest/coolest chick of the group. We'll call her Amy. She laughed at my jokes, complimented my shirtless abs (those were the days), danced like it was her last night on earth. Think of a blonde Fiona Galahger type but classier a little hotter. Taller too. Anyway, I'm pretty sure she wanted to get it in. We was vibing all night.

Despite having hit it off with her, the girls had to leave late into the night for some reason. I wasn't sure at the time if Amy was just a drunk thing, or a liking each other thing. So I tried to get her number. Apparently (blackout), my phone was dead when we exchanged numbers, so I had to put it in my buddy's phone. To this day, I'm still not sure what in the #### I typed in, but it was not the right number (it didn't look like a phone number at all).

When Spring semester started and I went back to my own campus, Claire told me that Amy REALLY was digging it and she wanted me to call her. I figure instead of asking my friend for the number and flat out calling like an adult would, that I would try and finesse my way around and be "casual" about it so as to not try too hard. Did I succeed? You be the judge.

I fired up the old Facebook.com (in the days before Messenger) and was determined to hit Amy's DMs with all the pick up artistry and finesse I could muster.

For what seemed like hours, I typed out long, drawn out messages thanking her for her time (lol), telling her I'm hoping she got home safe (obviously she did), saying we should grab supper next time we're both in the same city again, etc. Lame shit. It was pretty much a bunch of seemingly endless permutations of trying to write the same text the PERFECT way so as to position myself for the best success.

I'd send a 400-word DM to her, then read it, then delete it for fear that it wasn't "good" enough of a message to kick things off in a non-party/non-drunken context. I must have sent and deleted that message, in some variety, 20+ times. Not joking

. I was reaching neurotic levels of obsession over how to handle this encounter, and it was all just kind of spilling out into my computer keyboard. I guess that's how hot and cool this girl was is what I'm trying to say. I did NOT want to mess it up!

She never responded, which I thought was pretty weird seeing as how Claire said I had the greenlight. Whatever.

So, this is where the evolving technology betrayed me. I goofed by not accounting for the fact that Amy had SMS text messages enabled for Facebook messages. So even though the read-receipt for each iteration of my 20+ messages showed as "not seen", that was a false negative. It later came out that she was getting everyone of the 20+ rambling messages as I was sending them, and was seeing the contents of EVERY message before I was able to delete them. Apparently, she gave up on me "after about the 5th one", according to Claire.

Thing is, I'd never had a lot of trouble with getting girls to like me. But trying the Facebook DM game for the first time was a resounding L . It was literally like the Facebook version of that scene in Swingers where Jon Favreau's character keeps leaving voicemails over and over. The total lack of chill in my approach with this chick is one of the reasons I started smoking weed. I'm serious.

No pigs, because Amy went and got knocked up a few times and it aint the same. They say Jack Bentley was the worst closer of all time, but I have him beat on this one.

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I was the king of missing hints. Even to this day.

Anyways, girl was about 4 years older than me, recently divorced. One of those got married straight out of high school types. Biggest teddies I've ever seen in my life. Natural. But I think she said they were double f's. But she was a fit crazy person. So flat stomach massive teddies, big round muscular ####.

Anyways we planned on going out to eat then a buddy of ours was going to meet us back at her house and watch the Clemson USC game. That's where it all went wrong.

I was under the impression that he was going to walk in at any moment so I didn't want to try anything.

She gave off some weird vibes to start with like telling me while we were eating (this wasn't a random thing we were deep in conversation) that she didn't like vibrators and didn't believe people should use them. She was also kind of a religious nutbag.

First mistake: sat in the recliner and not the couch where she was.

She scooted closer to me and began chatting.

Questions started getting personal. I don't remember all that was asked by the main one that I whiffed on was about underwear and she makes the comment "I don't ever wear underwear" my response was, while keeping my eyes glued to the TV "oh yeah?" Her response was "Yep, I'm not wearing any right now"

Radio silence from me.

Left with nothing.

Don't get me wrong, it worked out in the long run but....

What An Idiot GIFs | Tenor

Here's my most cringey story of

^^^This is what not to do^^^

Re: Here's my most cringey story of

It's a shame she didn't live close by like just down the

While this beta comment made me know it's true

No, this is real.

OK, well then we're going to need pigs of Amy

I'll get on buddybook and DM you later if you're

NA, not unless they're really good.

Re: Here's my most cringey story of

in my raunchier days...

Reminded me of a much less cringey thing I did one time

So like

She dodged a bullet***

I tend to agree***

Mine isn't cringy. Just sad.

Stopped reading at "Anyways, girl was about 4 years old"***

Finished that fast

this explains A LOT...

Imma go out on a limb here.

Fine...hears mine

I've had this exact same scenario happen with the

Mine too. Was actually chatting up another girl that night

^^^ Tolstóy scok ^^^ ****

Was going to mention Swingers if you hadn't.***

I didn't see the swingers scene until a year or two

Nice. I hooked up with one girl at Clemson and she ended

She sounds like a total slut***

Not this weekend

Re: Not to you this weekend

"butt" sometimes? Like your birthday?***

How many times did you type/delete before posting this story***

Last time I dated was before Facebook was invented. hth

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